[ jyn makes a disgusted noise, but doesn't tell cassian everything that is stopping her from going out there too, if only because
he is right
and she refuses to admit it. ]
I don't like not having our own space. [ they have it for the most part, their apartment is very much just them, but having to share the balcony irks her. not only because she feels like she can't leave the windows open when they're gone or asleep and she misses the fresh air. ]
[he half smiles over the noise she makes, and he knows exactly the kind of face she's making with it. that's what finally gets him to pause his reading, and he looks up at her, taking in the grumpy expression on her face fondly.]
[it reminds him of what he's been thinking about the last few weeks. they have their own little space, they've carefully cultivated the apartment into something they both like, but she's technically right: it's not their own. the whole building is shared.]
[what if they're getting too big for this space? this is the perfect chance to just segue into his thoughts. honesty time.]
We could. [a nervous beat.] We could have our own space, I mean.
If you're suggesting I kill the neighbors, I've already thought about that.
[ all teasing aside, she has actually considered it. but she suspects that is not what cassian was insinuating and so she drops down on the couch next to him, slumping dramatically against the back of the couch. ]
[he huffs out a laugh, how hilarious a murder!! it is definitely not want he meant, but her grumpiness and the dramatic flop put him in a good enough mood to carry onward.]
[he tries to keep his tone very light. casual. as if this conversation happens all the time (which in all fairness, it does - just not with people like them).]
There are other places to live in the quarantine. We could get a house.
[ she has very few references for "a house". taako and jim and her own childhood home. cassian's too, she supposes, even if it was from a dream. the ponta's house. raddus pads across the couch and steps directly onto jyn's stomach, pulling forth a pained "oof". ]
Won't we have to pay more? [ she is a penny pincher. more money for food. ]
[house is such a vague word, in reality. they come in all shapes, all sizes, telling her they can get a house doesn't do much. part of him starts to feel nervous though, like maybe it wasn't a good idea? their apartment is nice. it's good. it just started to feel small to him lately, he supposes.]
Not necessarily. If we find something small enough for what we need, we just put money towards it once. And it's ours. [wowow saying the word 'ours' makes his stomach roll over.] We... might be able to save more, if we do not have rent every month.
We'd have to be paying more... otherwise why wouldn't everyone buy a house?
[ not everyone has their accidental savings born from a squirrelly desire for stability. jyn's rainy day fund has been growing for nearly a year and so has cassian's and neither of them spend much in the way of frivolous things so their nest egg is something of an ostrich.
but it seems wrong somehow still because they idea of owning a place and not just, well, squatting in it is so foreign to her. saw had owned the compound on wrea but jyn is fairly certain he just took it and decided "this is mine now". ]
We have saved a lot of money. The apartments are convenient for some, I imagine.
[they don't buy a lot of things! food. plants. fuzzy blankets. they both work to keep busy and it's easy to save when you live a mostly spartan life. but he doesn't care about why other people get houses, so he mostly ignores her question and dives back into all the Practical Reasons he's come up with.]
You were just complaining about space. We have so many plants now, two animals. What happens if we run out of room here?
[he wonders if he should be attached to the apartment, considering it's the first place he's lived safely since he was a child, but it's all those years of moving that allow him to be unattached to places. he just... wants to be with jyn. maybe they're outgrowing this apartment like the plants are outgrowing their shelves.]
[she gets the flattest of looks.] Just because that might work does not mean it's an option. [he is Done with torture, jyn, god.]
[he hesitates a little, trying to figure out how to word his answer in the least terrifying way.] I think it's a smart idea. We can look around, see what is there that we might like. It would not happen overnight.
Not as many stairs. Maybe quieter. [a beat. he dangles another reason that appeals to her specifically.] You could have a real garden.
[ look. nearly a year ago when they were plotting what to do if cassian got a roommate in his apartment, jyn also mentioned psychological torture. this is not something he hasn't heard before. ]
House hunting, like that show.
[ the capital world has some hgtv level reality shows and jyn is into them, as much as she won't admit it to anyone but cassian. if she is honest, it's not even the garden that sways her. it's a huge selling feature and it stands out as something she could have in a home. a garden, the way her papa had a garden on lah'mu that was more mud than vegetation.
but the stairs... she still takes the stairs every day because cassian's injuries got her into the elevator once but she isn't making a habit of it. she could kill a man with her thighs and her lung capacity must have tripled, but it's exhausting. ]
Only we do not have an unrealistic budget and we do not need a guide to show us around. [jyn's interest in all those shows is hilarious to him, but he can also understand the appeal, especially for people who rarely stayed in one place for very long. they just want the perfect living space, that's what cassian's after.]
[and now here they are, talking about getting a house where they could very well stay for very long. it's already been a year, and that's part of it for cassian, their arrival anniversary is creeping up and it's very weird. but he likes the idea of having a house, with jyn.]
[he smiles a little bit when she latches on to the garden.] Is that a yes? Do you want to at least... look?
I wanted to get a house with you five minutes ago but you seemed keen on arguing the case...
[ she already knows that she is in it with cassian for the long haul and since he showed a sliver of interest, jyn had instantly folded. if he'd said he wanted to buy a mansion house boat and live on the river, jyn would have agreed to that.
her shoulders lift in a shrug. ]
You're where my home is, Captain. We could live in a tent and I would be happy. But a real house sounds nice, too.
[his face lights up. both because she agreed and because she gets sappy on him. the novelty of jyn expressing feelings at him never seems to wear off; it reminds him he is loved and happy and even if he's already comfortable with jyn in any capacity, it still feels lucky. he didn't know he could be happy like this. he didn't know he could make someone happy like this.]
No tents, please. I want a house with you. [he wants a house! with his girlfriend! there, he finally said it.] I like the idea of making a space of our own together.
[she was romantic first, he's allowed to be in return.]
I like all of our stuff though. [ she shifts a little, spilling raddus off her lap and into the small space between her and cassian, blocking the cat in when her knees fall to rest on cassian's thighs. ]
It took a long time to get all this stuff how I like it.
[ she knows already that she is stealing The Rug but she loves the rest of their apartment, too. ]
[once he realizes just How Much he is feeling, he tries to contain it. he's not very successful, but it settles into something more quiet. she told him he didn't have to hide it, but he's still getting used to that.]
I was planning on taking it all with us, unless you had other ideas. [a beat.] Except the cabinets stuck to the wall, that is more effort than I care for. I like everything we have too.
[ jyn shifts again, like it's in increments, to unfold her legs over cassian's lap. it's her favorite way to sit.
she grins at his answer because it's excellent. ]
Perfect. We'll find a house and move all this stuff into it. [ her head bobs in a decisive nod, scritching behind the cat's ginger ears as she begrudgingly purrs. ]
[she stretches out over him and it doesn't even faze him; cassian just rests one of his hands on top of her legs, smiling at her. it's a little stunted, still like he's trying to hold some of it back.]
We can move everything in pieces. We might need a little help with the bigger furniture, but we can probably pay someone for that if need be.
[listen, with his back he is not sure he can carry a mattress or a couch around just the two of them, especially if whatever house they find ends up being a long enough walk away. the quarantine has movers.]
[he might have looked into that part already. what a double luxury: having things to move around and knowing there are people who can do it for you.]
[ jyn briefly squints at him. she nods again because that makes sense and she can see the logic and sensibility in it. she scoops up the cat and hold her out to cassian, holding the cat's paw to bat at his nose. ]
[he looks at her very confused and half amused, especially when the cat bops his nose. he pets at raddus's head, and she wriggles in jyn's grip.]
Nothing. What do you mean? [raddus mews in his face, and he scratches under her chin.] We just agreed to move into a house, there isn't anything wrong.
I dunno, you seem... I dunno. [ she shrugs. maybe she's just self-sabotaging because this is all very perfect and wonderful and she doesn't know how to handle it so she's projecting on to cassian with the cat.
she gathers the cat back into her arms, petting her idly. ]
[he doesn't frown, but now he is a little Concerned. he reaches out to brush some of the hair out of her face, leaving his arm resting behind her on the couch.]
I am. If anything, I think I feel almost too happy. [and he sounds a little apologetic about that.] I'm trying to figure out... that. How to be that, without feeling too much or being too much.
I already told you that you're not too anything, [ jyn says with perhaps more ferocity than necessary. HE IS PERFECTLY PERFECT EXACTLY HOW HE IS and she will fight anyone that says otherwise.
including him. ]
Alright, maybe you take showers that are too cold and that's why we don't shower together and maybe the way you organize the spices is too weird and makes no logical sense and maybe definitely you cut too low on the herbs -- which you say wrong, there's an h. But that is all that is too anything about you.
[she is so aggressively defensive of his feelings. ready to literally throw him down over it. he loves it and he loves her.]
The spices make perfect sense for me, and I am the one who cooks with them so it doesn't matter. [his hand moves to cup her cheek.] Maybe more like sometimes you are too short.
[he brushes his thumb over her skin.] I am still going to worry, until I get used to the feeling. It's a learning process, remember?
[ she can't tell him to learn faster because that would be rude and she wouldn't mean it, so it's lucky she bites down on that natural inclination. ]
Then tell me and I will tell you not to worry.
[ his hand on her cheek is a comfort, but he shouldn't have called her short because she turns her head and bites him. just a nip, not anything that would be painful. a tease. don't fucking call her short. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he is right
and she refuses to admit it. ]
I don't like not having our own space. [ they have it for the most part, their apartment is very much just them, but having to share the balcony irks her. not only because she feels like she can't leave the windows open when they're gone or asleep and she misses the fresh air. ]
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[it reminds him of what he's been thinking about the last few weeks. they have their own little space, they've carefully cultivated the apartment into something they both like, but she's technically right: it's not their own. the whole building is shared.]
[what if they're getting too big for this space? this is the perfect chance to just segue into his thoughts. honesty time.]
We could. [a nervous beat.] We could have our own space, I mean.
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[ all teasing aside, she has actually considered it. but she suspects that is not what cassian was insinuating and so she drops down on the couch next to him, slumping dramatically against the back of the couch. ]
What do you mean?
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[he tries to keep his tone very light. casual. as if this conversation happens all the time (which in all fairness, it does - just not with people like them).]
There are other places to live in the quarantine. We could get a house.
[just throwing it out there, nbd.]
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[ she has very few references for "a house". taako and jim and her own childhood home. cassian's too, she supposes, even if it was from a dream. the ponta's house. raddus pads across the couch and steps directly onto jyn's stomach, pulling forth a pained "oof". ]
Won't we have to pay more? [ she is a penny pincher. more money for food. ]
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[house is such a vague word, in reality. they come in all shapes, all sizes, telling her they can get a house doesn't do much. part of him starts to feel nervous though, like maybe it wasn't a good idea? their apartment is nice. it's good. it just started to feel small to him lately, he supposes.]
Not necessarily. If we find something small enough for what we need, we just put money towards it once. And it's ours. [wowow saying the word 'ours' makes his stomach roll over.] We... might be able to save more, if we do not have rent every month.
no subject
[ not everyone has their accidental savings born from a squirrelly desire for stability. jyn's rainy day fund has been growing for nearly a year and so has cassian's and neither of them spend much in the way of frivolous things so their nest egg is something of an ostrich.
but it seems wrong somehow still because they idea of owning a place and not just, well, squatting in it is so foreign to her. saw had owned the compound on wrea but jyn is fairly certain he just took it and decided "this is mine now". ]
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[they don't buy a lot of things! food. plants. fuzzy blankets. they both work to keep busy and it's easy to save when you live a mostly spartan life. but he doesn't care about why other people get houses, so he mostly ignores her question and dives back into all the Practical Reasons he's come up with.]
You were just complaining about space. We have so many plants now, two animals. What happens if we run out of room here?
[he wonders if he should be attached to the apartment, considering it's the first place he's lived safely since he was a child, but it's all those years of moving that allow him to be unattached to places. he just... wants to be with jyn. maybe they're outgrowing this apartment like the plants are outgrowing their shelves.]
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[ IS THAT NOT THE RIGHT WAY? IS SHE KIDDING? idk ]
I guess we would move to a bigger place, [ she finally answers seriously. ] Do you think we should?
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[he hesitates a little, trying to figure out how to word his answer in the least terrifying way.] I think it's a smart idea. We can look around, see what is there that we might like. It would not happen overnight.
Not as many stairs. Maybe quieter. [a beat. he dangles another reason that appeals to her specifically.] You could have a real garden.
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House hunting, like that show.
[ the capital world has some hgtv level reality shows and jyn is into them, as much as she won't admit it to anyone but cassian. if she is honest, it's not even the garden that sways her. it's a huge selling feature and it stands out as something she could have in a home. a garden, the way her papa had a garden on lah'mu that was more mud than vegetation.
but the stairs... she still takes the stairs every day because cassian's injuries got her into the elevator once but she isn't making a habit of it. she could kill a man with her thighs and her lung capacity must have tripled, but it's exhausting. ]
I would like a garden...
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[and now here they are, talking about getting a house where they could very well stay for very long. it's already been a year, and that's part of it for cassian, their arrival anniversary is creeping up and it's very weird. but he likes the idea of having a house, with jyn.]
[he smiles a little bit when she latches on to the garden.] Is that a yes? Do you want to at least... look?
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[ she already knows that she is in it with cassian for the long haul and since he showed a sliver of interest, jyn had instantly folded. if he'd said he wanted to buy a mansion house boat and live on the river, jyn would have agreed to that.
her shoulders lift in a shrug. ]
You're where my home is, Captain. We could live in a tent and I would be happy. But a real house sounds nice, too.
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No tents, please. I want a house with you. [he wants a house! with his girlfriend! there, he finally said it.] I like the idea of making a space of our own together.
[she was romantic first, he's allowed to be in return.]
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I like all of our stuff though. [ she shifts a little, spilling raddus off her lap and into the small space between her and cassian, blocking the cat in when her knees fall to rest on cassian's thighs. ]
It took a long time to get all this stuff how I like it.
[ she knows already that she is stealing The Rug but she loves the rest of their apartment, too. ]
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I was planning on taking it all with us, unless you had other ideas. [a beat.] Except the cabinets stuck to the wall, that is more effort than I care for. I like everything we have too.
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she grins at his answer because it's excellent. ]
Perfect. We'll find a house and move all this stuff into it. [ her head bobs in a decisive nod, scritching behind the cat's ginger ears as she begrudgingly purrs. ]
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We can move everything in pieces. We might need a little help with the bigger furniture, but we can probably pay someone for that if need be.
[listen, with his back he is not sure he can carry a mattress or a couch around just the two of them, especially if whatever house they find ends up being a long enough walk away. the quarantine has movers.]
[he might have looked into that part already. what a double luxury: having things to move around and knowing there are people who can do it for you.]
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What's wrong?
[ something, jyn thinks. maybe something isn't wrong, but something isn't quite right. ]
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Nothing. What do you mean? [raddus mews in his face, and he scratches under her chin.] We just agreed to move into a house, there isn't anything wrong.
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she gathers the cat back into her arms, petting her idly. ]
You're happy, right?
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I am. If anything, I think I feel almost too happy. [and he sounds a little apologetic about that.] I'm trying to figure out... that. How to be that, without feeling too much or being too much.
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including him. ]
Alright, maybe you take showers that are too cold and that's why we don't shower together and maybe the way you organize the spices is too weird and makes no logical sense and maybe definitely you cut too low on the herbs -- which you say wrong, there's an h. But that is all that is too anything about you.
[ a beat. ] Sometimes you're too tall.
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The spices make perfect sense for me, and I am the one who cooks with them so it doesn't matter. [his hand moves to cup her cheek.] Maybe more like sometimes you are too short.
[he brushes his thumb over her skin.] I am still going to worry, until I get used to the feeling. It's a learning process, remember?
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Then tell me and I will tell you not to worry.
[ his hand on her cheek is a comfort, but he shouldn't have called her short because she turns her head and bites him. just a nip, not anything that would be painful. a tease. don't fucking call her short. ]
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