[ she reaches for his hand again, and he's so startled that he doesn't fight it, simply lets their fingers fold back together. ]
[ the biggest thing he feels right now is surprise. the comfort he gets from her touch tempers it, but he's still puzzled that she would want to keep holding him. it doesn't mean it isn't reassuring at the same time, especially once he feels the comfort she herself draws from it. ]
[ he's a comfort. that's a surprise too. ]
I did. Quite often, actually. But I am used to that happening.
[ jyn and daisy have a house because of dream graffiti -- and she will get to that -- but she has never been able to retain dreams very well so she is kind of struggling to piece together what happened when she was passed out next to the sink. ]
Was I there?
[ she remembers snow and cassian and this feeling -- warmth and comfort and closeness -- but. maybe it was simply her own dream. maybe she invented the stories of his family to make herself feel less alone, like they are more alike, like someone else understands being alone for so long that the parts of you that know how to care for someone else, how to be cared for, start to atrophy from years of disuse.
or maybe it was real and the parts of her that had died to protect herself from a lifetime of loss and abandonment can be slowly coaxed back to life. ]
[ he regards her curiously, because the question is too specific especially in this weird 'suddenly awake' situation going on. ]
For part of it, yes.
[ he remembers it too - that comfort and closeness and ease at being with her, the touch of her hand that allowed him to push forward inside his house, something that always makes him apprehensive in dreams. ]
Do you - remember what I told you?
[ it doesn't seem possible, but there are a lot of things about this train ride already proving impossibilities exist. he finds, maybe against any better judgement, that he wants her to remember. there was something about sharing that entire experience with jyn that he suddenly wants very much to be a real thing. ]
[ she really would like it to have been real, some shared delusion in the snow. it would be the only redeeming quality of the snow. there's a frisson of anxiety, that cassian is going to tell her that none of it was true and he really spent the dream telling her about ducks across the galaxy. ]
[ she mentions his family, which is the most concrete proof she was really there. he... never talks about his family. except apparently in his dreams with jyn. ]
[ he breathes in a little deeply, like he's suddenly nervous. not a bad nervous. it doesn't make much sense, but - there are a lot of things about being on this planet that don't make sense. ]
It was the truth about my family. That much was real. Though I cannot explain... how it feels real when I thought it just a dream.
[ her eyes soften with sadness again and some of the anxiety fades, burned away with the knowledge that he did actually tell her all that and it wasn't simply a figment of her imagination. ]
It's this bullshit, [ she says, gesturing between their chests with her free hand. that has to be the explanation. ]
[ it should be terrifying to be so open about his life and himself, but instead he just continues to be at ease. if there's anyone who can understand his life with and without a family, it's jyn. ]
I have never had anyone I wanted to tell.
[ not really, not like he did. not in a way that doesn't leave him feeling incapable of telling even more. ]
[ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh why would he say that. immediately she wants to bolt out of the compartment and only stop running until she passes out. it feels like so much responsibility, to hold on to a piece of cassian's past like a fragile cup full of cracks and splinters. how is she supposed to keep it unbroken?
she tamps it down, but draws her hand back so he won't feel the rest of her fear, ostensibly to run her hands through her hair. ]
I wish I had gotten to meet them. [ she really wishes his dream hadn't turned into her own. ]
[ oh. he said the wrong thing. as soon as she pulls her hand away, his face sort of... falls. he tucks his hand back and resists the urge to apologize for being too much. he felt that flash of fear, but she'd separated before he could really analyze it. ]
You never know. We could end up in another dream. [ who's to say?? but now he doesn't even know if he should say he would have liked that too. at least... she hasn't left, like she wanted in those two seconds. ]
[ it is nothing but loss and sorrow for her, even the happy moments tied up in inescapable loss. the smell of salt air only makes her lonely now. ]
Saw let me pick it out. [ a soft, almost silent huff of a laugh. a green, black, and blue planet on a data pad, awaiting a toddler's approval. ] I was three, it was the only planet in front of me.
[ like most else, he understands that sentiment too. not for the same reasons, but home is often full of heartbreak. ]
He took your family there. [ a beat.] And helped you leave?
[ the you is vague, meant to imply whatever fits. given her visceral reaction to the planet as a whole, he's beginning to suspect she hadn't left for anything close to good reasons. the only real missing factor is her mother, lost to history as far as the rebellion could find. ]
[ she rubs her hands down her legs a couple times, clenching and unclenching her fists before her hands still, curling around the edge of the bench seat. it leaves her half hunched over, like the weight of her past is physically pressing down on her. ]
We were running from Krennic, that's why we left. Papa couldn't work for them anymore so we left. [ she knew without knowing for most of her childhood, the way a child reads tension. her father was unhappy, it made her unhappy, but then on lah'mu he was just her papa again and it was okay. ] She called Saw, when they came.
[ her eyes close against the memories but they're all she can see. ]
We had a plan. We would all go and hide and wait until Saw came and then we'd go to a new planet. But Papa-- [ she stumbles over the word, unused to it still ] -- he made us go without him. And then Mama made me go without her. She went back for him.
[ she straightens up, eyes opening, voice turning to steel. ]
[ he waits, a patient and careful listener. the sympathy on his face as her story goes on isn't pity; it's more like understanding. cassian keeps stumbling on more and more reasons they're alike; their mothers dying in front of them evidently another. ]
[ it explains her visceral reaction to being there, the way she stared at the grass, the desperate run through the foothills to the cave. no wonder she wanted to leave. he wishes again that there was no empathy bond, because he just wants to reach for her again. i understand he wants to tell her. ]
I am sorry, Jyn. [ his voice is soft against her steel, but it's not an attempt to quell the sound. his mother might have died on fest, but at least it wasn't in their own home. both of their home planets, stained literally by death. ] I do not know how it always manages to feel so long ago and so recent at once.
[ she wants to brush it off as a long time ago but he doesn't let her and now she actually has to face her feelings. ]
She was the fighter. She never stopped. [ her father was the pacifist, the gentle scholar who only wanted to sink into his studies and find clean, safe energy. he'd never wanted to build weapons. but lyra had all the fire.
at least that is what saw had said about her mother. ]
[ her mouth lifts in a returning smile almost reflexively. their mothers had been alike, had married men of learning who wanted peace. and they'd died, leaving behind children that would tear themselves apart for a cause, for the galaxy, for a peace they would never get to see.
that's certainly a legacy.
with a heavy, tired sigh, jyn leans against cassian and closes her eyes. they'll never get the chance to know if their parents would like what either of them had grown up to be. ]
Daisy wants to see us, in her compartment. Apparently we stole and own an apartment now.
[ she's avoiding the topic, sure, but she doesn't think cassian will mind. they can revisit it again sometime. ]
[ part of him wants to ask more, wants to learn more about her and her family, but he does recognize they've already talked about a lot. especially for two people like themselves, two people who clearly do not talk about personal matters like this very often, if at all. he could probably use a break too. ]
[ he doesn't mind the shift, even if it is a bit like whiplash. ] You stole an apartment. [ he doesn't sound surprised by the fact that it happened, he's more curious as to how it happened in the first place. ] Do I get to know the details?
We broke into one of the apartment buildings to take their food. [ because of course they did, that is the most jyn erso and daisy johnson thing in the world. ]
Daisy had this idea... I don't know why. [ it's fuzzy and the dreams were loopy by the nature of dreaming so she doesn't remember what led to most of this. ] I carved our names into the name plate by the door.
[ she shrugs. there wasn't much more to it than that. ] It's enormous and there was chocolate and I was going to save you some but I ate it all. And it was a dream. The bed was so soft, Cassian. It was... [ she turns slightly to face him, putting both hands on his leg, expression bright with the memory of something nice. ] It was this huge thing, full of pillows, and it was so clean and soft. Force, I hate rich people, but I love this apartment so much.
[ there is some faint amusement on his face. her story continues to not surprise him, and if anything, he feels a fondness towards her over it. how could he not, when she's looking at him like that? ]
If there is anything I will give the wealthy, it is that their beds are quite comfortable. [ AND THAT'S IT. ] Hopefully it will come just as stocked with food as when you found it.
[ a beat. ] Are you both going to live there? [ why would he assume he gets to come along?? ]
[ that is why she mentioned the bed. he wanted a bed, it was one of his requirements when jyn's was "walls and roof and privacy". but nooooooooo cassian wanted a bed.
[ listen. the implication was always that they'd go find a place to stay and live together, but since she stole this apartment with another person, he didn't want to assume...! ]
I did not want to just invite myself. Does she know? [ that he'll be there too. ]
Maybe the food will come with the house. [ the dream! sidenote, stock up on sausages for jyn. ]
There are quite a number of place with beds, Jyn. It was not unattainable! [ he found PLENTY. ] And if we went with the first place you suggested, we would not have this fancy apartment now.
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[ the biggest thing he feels right now is surprise. the comfort he gets from her touch tempers it, but he's still puzzled that she would want to keep holding him. it doesn't mean it isn't reassuring at the same time, especially once he feels the comfort she herself draws from it. ]
[ he's a comfort. that's a surprise too. ]
I did. Quite often, actually. But I am used to that happening.
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Was I there?
[ she remembers snow and cassian and this feeling -- warmth and comfort and closeness -- but. maybe it was simply her own dream. maybe she invented the stories of his family to make herself feel less alone, like they are more alike, like someone else understands being alone for so long that the parts of you that know how to care for someone else, how to be cared for, start to atrophy from years of disuse.
or maybe it was real and the parts of her that had died to protect herself from a lifetime of loss and abandonment can be slowly coaxed back to life. ]
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For part of it, yes.
[ he remembers it too - that comfort and closeness and ease at being with her, the touch of her hand that allowed him to push forward inside his house, something that always makes him apprehensive in dreams. ]
Do you - remember what I told you?
[ it doesn't seem possible, but there are a lot of things about this train ride already proving impossibilities exist. he finds, maybe against any better judgement, that he wants her to remember. there was something about sharing that entire experience with jyn that he suddenly wants very much to be a real thing. ]
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[ she really would like it to have been real, some shared delusion in the snow. it would be the only redeeming quality of the snow. there's a frisson of anxiety, that cassian is going to tell her that none of it was true and he really spent the dream telling her about ducks across the galaxy. ]
Was it real?
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[ he breathes in a little deeply, like he's suddenly nervous. not a bad nervous. it doesn't make much sense, but - there are a lot of things about being on this planet that don't make sense. ]
It was the truth about my family. That much was real. Though I cannot explain... how it feels real when I thought it just a dream.
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It's this bullshit, [ she says, gesturing between their chests with her free hand. that has to be the explanation. ]
Thank you for telling me about them.
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I have never had anyone I wanted to tell.
[ not really, not like he did. not in a way that doesn't leave him feeling incapable of telling even more. ]
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she tamps it down, but draws her hand back so he won't feel the rest of her fear, ostensibly to run her hands through her hair. ]
I wish I had gotten to meet them. [ she really wishes his dream hadn't turned into her own. ]
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You never know. We could end up in another dream. [ who's to say?? but now he doesn't even know if he should say he would have liked that too. at least... she hasn't left, like she wanted in those two seconds. ]
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[ it is nothing but loss and sorrow for her, even the happy moments tied up in inescapable loss. the smell of salt air only makes her lonely now. ]
Saw let me pick it out. [ a soft, almost silent huff of a laugh. a green, black, and blue planet on a data pad, awaiting a toddler's approval. ] I was three, it was the only planet in front of me.
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He took your family there. [ a beat.] And helped you leave?
[ the you is vague, meant to imply whatever fits. given her visceral reaction to the planet as a whole, he's beginning to suspect she hadn't left for anything close to good reasons. the only real missing factor is her mother, lost to history as far as the rebellion could find. ]
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We were running from Krennic, that's why we left. Papa couldn't work for them anymore so we left. [ she knew without knowing for most of her childhood, the way a child reads tension. her father was unhappy, it made her unhappy, but then on lah'mu he was just her papa again and it was okay. ] She called Saw, when they came.
[ her eyes close against the memories but they're all she can see. ]
We had a plan. We would all go and hide and wait until Saw came and then we'd go to a new planet. But Papa-- [ she stumbles over the word, unused to it still ] -- he made us go without him. And then Mama made me go without her. She went back for him.
[ she straightens up, eyes opening, voice turning to steel. ]
And Krennic shot her in the grass.
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[ it explains her visceral reaction to being there, the way she stared at the grass, the desperate run through the foothills to the cave. no wonder she wanted to leave. he wishes again that there was no empathy bond, because he just wants to reach for her again. i understand he wants to tell her. ]
I am sorry, Jyn. [ his voice is soft against her steel, but it's not an attempt to quell the sound. his mother might have died on fest, but at least it wasn't in their own home. both of their home planets, stained literally by death. ] I do not know how it always manages to feel so long ago and so recent at once.
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She was the fighter. She never stopped. [ her father was the pacifist, the gentle scholar who only wanted to sink into his studies and find clean, safe energy. he'd never wanted to build weapons. but lyra had all the fire.
at least that is what saw had said about her mother. ]
She would have liked you.
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[ he offers her a very small, understanding sort of smile. ] My mother was also like that. I used to think nothing would stop her.
[ she only stopped when she was dead. why is that so common the case? ]
I think I would have liked her too.
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that's certainly a legacy.
with a heavy, tired sigh, jyn leans against cassian and closes her eyes. they'll never get the chance to know if their parents would like what either of them had grown up to be. ]
Daisy wants to see us, in her compartment. Apparently we stole and own an apartment now.
[ she's avoiding the topic, sure, but she doesn't think cassian will mind. they can revisit it again sometime. ]
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[ he doesn't mind the shift, even if it is a bit like whiplash. ] You stole an apartment. [ he doesn't sound surprised by the fact that it happened, he's more curious as to how it happened in the first place. ] Do I get to know the details?
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Daisy had this idea... I don't know why. [ it's fuzzy and the dreams were loopy by the nature of dreaming so she doesn't remember what led to most of this. ] I carved our names into the name plate by the door.
[ she shrugs. there wasn't much more to it than that. ] It's enormous and there was chocolate and I was going to save you some but I ate it all. And it was a dream. The bed was so soft, Cassian. It was... [ she turns slightly to face him, putting both hands on his leg, expression bright with the memory of something nice. ] It was this huge thing, full of pillows, and it was so clean and soft. Force, I hate rich people, but I love this apartment so much.
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If there is anything I will give the wealthy, it is that their beds are quite comfortable. [ AND THAT'S IT. ] Hopefully it will come just as stocked with food as when you found it.
[ a beat. ] Are you both going to live there? [ why would he assume he gets to come along?? ]
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[ that is why she mentioned the bed. he wanted a bed, it was one of his requirements when jyn's was "walls and roof and privacy". but nooooooooo cassian wanted a bed.
so she found him one. ]
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I did not want to just invite myself. Does she know? [ that he'll be there too. ]
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[ a beat, a shrug. cassian was always built in. ]
And we thought there might be food.
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Clearly not unattainable if you have succeeded in finding a place with a very comfortable bed. My standards worked out nicely.
[ a beat. ] So did you steal the food too then?
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And for the record, your standards only worked out in a literal fantasy.
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There are quite a number of place with beds, Jyn. It was not unattainable! [ he found PLENTY. ] And if we went with the first place you suggested, we would not have this fancy apartment now.
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