[ now she is being purposefully stupid. and she still doesn't move, she's very comfortable! as lean as cassian is, muscled under that scrawny frame, he has a very comfortable lap. ]
All of them, [ jyn reiterates firmly. she is not generally demanding, too used to having nothing to insist on anything. but she wants this. she wants to know this, one of cassian's many secrets. ]
I knew a Xosad, and we pulled him from Saw. He was terrible at recruitment. How long ago was this? A few years?
[ it probably isn't something he should pick her brain over while she's not in her best state of mind, but he can't help it. was he really that close to her before finding her on wobani? ]
[ she was seventeen-ish, but her brain won't do the math because she can't settle on how old she is now. ]
It was after Saw left me. He wasn't like that, you know. What you saw. He was different, stronger, whole. He was like that 'cause of me. [ broken, damaged. ]
[ she rattles off her birthday easily, so it is clearly that she lost track of time. everything blended together in prison and she didn't keep track of the days on her wall, why would she? it would be a countdown to her death. after that is was a blur of battles and hyperspace and time is meaningless when you're hurtling through space.
but it's the part about saw that draws her attention back. ]
No. No. It was me. [ her free hand taps her chest to definitively illustrate that she means herself, sadness drifting through the empathy bond. sadness and grief and guilt. ] It was a set up. Someone figured out who I was and they told the Empire and they set us up. There was a bomb and Saw threw himself on top of me and...
[ cassian had seen him.
jyn remembers the hot blood drenching her clothes, saw's scream of agony as fire and metal rained down on them, the splutter of blood in his mouth every time he spoke. the man on jedha, he had become that because of her, and it seemed unfair that cassian didn't get to see him the way jyn remembered him -- strong and proud and laughing when she managed to best him.
the sorrow that pours from her is deep and tinged with the bitter longing she'd felt when he abandoned her, to protect her. it had hurt to much to see it at the time, but now she knows. and it still hurts, softened only by grief and too much more loss. ]
[ they can figure out how old she is later, it feels unimportant now. ]
[ he can feel her sadness so strongly that it starts making him sad, sympathy bubbling up too, but never pity. he had seen saw, he saw the injuries, heard his breathing, knew the rumors - but saw had been fighting since the clone wars, and cassian wasn't surprised to find him in such a state. ]
[ his grip on her hand is tight enough to tell her he is here and he is listening, but not tight enough to be a distraction. hopefully. ]
To me, that is still the war's doing. His decision to save you is not your fault, Jyn. The galaxy has been fighting him down since before you were born, it has created ways of life where these things happen. But what happened to Saw was not you.
[ a beat. ] I have always found it ironic that the Alliance calls the actions of a cadre like Saw's terrorism when the Empire does the same thing.
[ when some of his own work would be right up the partisan's alley. ]
How else would they distance themselves and pretend their hands are clean?
[ gotta put the blame somewhere! she doesn't need to be sober to know that! with some hilariously dramatic noises like an old lady, jyn creaks and groans her way out of his lap and slides down to lay on the bed properly. she wriggles like she wants to be under the covers but.
[ oh. he kind of misses her when she moves, which is a strange thought, one he tries to disregard completely. it's better to focus on biting back a laugh at how frustrated she is by the concept of Moving Her Body. he could help. but. ]
[ he does not. for the hilarity of it. ]
You do not have to tell me that. [ his work is definitely done in secret. so many secrets, cassian often feels like that's all he's made of. ] There are some in high command who very likely do not even know all of what is done.
[ he would argue that it's mostly former champions of the republic who want to separate themselves, but he's willing to say that might be a bias. maybe. ]
Come down here. [ he did say he wanted to lay down, jyn is deciding that he is going to lay down now, with her. which isn't different from how they usually sleep; usually they're next to each other and sometimes when they wake jyn is pressed against his chest but she squirms away before cassian wakes up.
now she wants to be cuddled up to him but she doesn't now how to ask so instead she demands he lay down and then she will worm into his arms without saying anything.
[ he doesn't lay down right away. he wants to, which is another strange thought to add to his growing pile of them. ]
[ it feels like forever, but in reality it's only about thirty, forty seconds before he sighs a little, then carefully shifts himself downward on the bed until he's laying rather than sitting upright. ]
I know what I want, [ jyn counters imperiously, making a scrunched up grumpy face at him. she is not demanding, she is just sure of herself. ] That's not demanding, it's smart.
[ but since he has given in, she doesn't feel the need to continue harping on about it, scooting forward so she is closer to him. ]
[ so... she wants him down there? beside her? he knows sometimes when he wakes up he's got his arms wrapped around her, but he always carefully pulls away before she notices. he feels safe sleeping beside her, he doesn't want to make it awkward for her to be pressed into him. ] I think the way you asked still qualifies more as a demand than a question.
[ even though he is arguing with her, there he is, laying down just like she demanded. ]
It might be a little too late for this to be considered a nap. [ especially since he suspects once she's out, she will be sleeping straight through the morning. ] And if that was a thinly veiled hint for me to pull up the blankets, you are definitely going to have to ask a real question for that one.
I don't need your help. [ it's a grumble, half muffled by her face smooshing into the bed as she shifts and wriggles to slide her legs under the blankets. it's then that she realizes she hasn't changed her shirt. she doesn't want to get back out of bed so she simply peels her long sleeve shirt off, getting it caught on her head because she's laying down still and that is hard. ]
[ he's content to watch her struggle simply because it amuses him, and he almost claps once she gets her legs under the blanket. ]
[ there's hesitation when she asks for help with her shirt, and he can't explain it. she's drunk and stuck, it's fine, of course her shirt would get tangled. with an obviously overdramatic sigh, he reaches over and carefully helps pull the shirt the rest of the way off her head. he's surprisingly gentle about it, and he idly half folds her shirt once it's free, tossing it towards her nightstand. ]
[ jyn tells him to fuck off in huttese, but with a little laugh so obviously she doesn't care much at all about being teased, wriggling the rest of the way under the covers. ]
[ good thing he understands that much of the language! his own laugh quiets out as a result of her question, but at least it sounds more like a natural fade. ]
I already am. [ it's not a real protest, and he knows what she wants from him. the weirdest part is just how easily he complies, finally worming under the blankets too. he's not sure how much more laying down he can get anymore. ]
[ jyn hums a pleased noise, happy for getting her way. it's just a nap, she tells herself, slinging her arm over his waist and dragging herself closer to him. very close. ]
[ maybe he should have expected it, but he doesn't, so when her arm settles over him like it's nothing, it doesn't quite feel like nothing. it feels normal, but somehow a surprise. ]
[ she is very close and very warm and her smile does something funny to his chest. before he can overthink it, he lifts his arm up enough to welcome her in more. ]
[ she wriggles right in, tucking herself against him and soaking in the closeness, his breath across her cheek. he smells good, like soap and warmth and memories that aren't all bad. jyn doesn't get this close to people, physically or emotionally, but she and cassian had never managed to have much in the way of personal space. ]
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[ now she is being purposefully stupid. and she still doesn't move, she's very comfortable! as lean as cassian is, muscled under that scrawny frame, he has a very comfortable lap. ]
Tell me all your fake names and I'll move.
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[ there's not that many but it is a significant amount of names! some more used than others. some he forgot, some he tried to forget. ]
Can we pick a smaller number? Or is that too suspiciously a spy question?
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[ he does not move. he keeps their fingers entwined instead. ]
There was Joreth Sward. Willix. Aach. Janev. Kiran Solimar. A fulcrum. It might be easier to just write a list one day.
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I have seen the fulcrum upon which the fate of the galaxy is balanced.
[ a beat. ] Blah blah blah
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How did you learn that phrase?
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[ which is obvious now since it took being plucked out of prison for jyn to join forces with the alliance. it's clear she thinks nothing of it. ]
He used to be with Saw but he joined your rebels.
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[ it probably isn't something he should pick her brain over while she's not in her best state of mind, but he can't help it. was he really that close to her before finding her on wobani? ]
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[ she was seventeen-ish, but her brain won't do the math because she can't settle on how old she is now. ]
It was after Saw left me. He wasn't like that, you know. What you saw. He was different, stronger, whole. He was like that 'cause of me. [ broken, damaged. ]
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[ he's met many people, mostly war orphans like the two of them, who only have a vague idea about how old they are. it's not unusual. ]
[ he squeezes her hand. ] Not because of you. That is what war does to people.
[ he does have a better general idea though, given the records the alliance had of jyn with saw, even if it's not exact dates. ]
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but it's the part about saw that draws her attention back. ]
No. No. It was me. [ her free hand taps her chest to definitively illustrate that she means herself, sadness drifting through the empathy bond. sadness and grief and guilt. ] It was a set up. Someone figured out who I was and they told the Empire and they set us up. There was a bomb and Saw threw himself on top of me and...
[ cassian had seen him.
jyn remembers the hot blood drenching her clothes, saw's scream of agony as fire and metal rained down on them, the splutter of blood in his mouth every time he spoke. the man on jedha, he had become that because of her, and it seemed unfair that cassian didn't get to see him the way jyn remembered him -- strong and proud and laughing when she managed to best him.
the sorrow that pours from her is deep and tinged with the bitter longing she'd felt when he abandoned her, to protect her. it had hurt to much to see it at the time, but now she knows. and it still hurts, softened only by grief and too much more loss. ]
That was when they started calling us terrorists.
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[ he can feel her sadness so strongly that it starts making him sad, sympathy bubbling up too, but never pity. he had seen saw, he saw the injuries, heard his breathing, knew the rumors - but saw had been fighting since the clone wars, and cassian wasn't surprised to find him in such a state. ]
[ his grip on her hand is tight enough to tell her he is here and he is listening, but not tight enough to be a distraction. hopefully. ]
To me, that is still the war's doing. His decision to save you is not your fault, Jyn. The galaxy has been fighting him down since before you were born, it has created ways of life where these things happen. But what happened to Saw was not you.
[ a beat. ] I have always found it ironic that the Alliance calls the actions of a cadre like Saw's terrorism when the Empire does the same thing.
[ when some of his own work would be right up the partisan's alley. ]
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[ gotta put the blame somewhere! she doesn't need to be sober to know that! with some hilariously dramatic noises like an old lady, jyn creaks and groans her way out of his lap and slides down to lay on the bed properly. she wriggles like she wants to be under the covers but.
effort. ]
That's why Intelligence is a secret.
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[ he does not. for the hilarity of it. ]
You do not have to tell me that. [ his work is definitely done in secret. so many secrets, cassian often feels like that's all he's made of. ] There are some in high command who very likely do not even know all of what is done.
[ he would argue that it's mostly former champions of the republic who want to separate themselves, but he's willing to say that might be a bias. maybe. ]
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now she wants to be cuddled up to him but she doesn't now how to ask so instead she demands he lay down and then she will worm into his arms without saying anything.
perfect. ]
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[ he doesn't lay down right away. he wants to, which is another strange thought to add to his growing pile of them. ]
[ it feels like forever, but in reality it's only about thirty, forty seconds before he sighs a little, then carefully shifts himself downward on the bed until he's laying rather than sitting upright. ]
Is it bed time now?
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[ but since he has given in, she doesn't feel the need to continue harping on about it, scooting forward so she is closer to him. ]
It's nap time. Once I get under the covers.
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[ even though he is arguing with her, there he is, laying down just like she demanded. ]
It might be a little too late for this to be considered a nap. [ especially since he suspects once she's out, she will be sleeping straight through the morning. ] And if that was a thinly veiled hint for me to pull up the blankets, you are definitely going to have to ask a real question for that one.
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Help. [ a pitiful bleat. ]
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[ there's hesitation when she asks for help with her shirt, and he can't explain it. she's drunk and stuck, it's fine, of course her shirt would get tangled. with an obviously overdramatic sigh, he reaches over and carefully helps pull the shirt the rest of the way off her head. he's surprisingly gentle about it, and he idly half folds her shirt once it's free, tossing it towards her nightstand. ]
At least you admitted it this time.
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Are you going to lay down with me or not?
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I already am. [ it's not a real protest, and he knows what she wants from him. the weirdest part is just how easily he complies, finally worming under the blankets too. he's not sure how much more laying down he can get anymore. ]
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Hi.
[ her sleepy smile is soft and warm. ]
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[ she is very close and very warm and her smile does something funny to his chest. before he can overthink it, he lifts his arm up enough to welcome her in more. ]
Hi.
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You should come with me next time.
[ her eyes close, words coming slowly. ]
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