[ he has not because she has not. jyn doesn't make a habit of apologizing for anything, because that would imply she regrets anything and jyn doesn't make a habit of admitting she has regrets. ]
The forest didn't want us to be there, [ she says by way of an explanation for the injuries. ]
[ his mouth twitches like he wants to grin, but he doesn't. she never apologizes, she's too stubborn for that. ]
Are you telling me the trees were sentient? [ he doesn't actually believe that, but it's his way of opening up the conversations towards whatever she wants to tell him about... whatever was out there. he hopes she tells him more. ]
[ he pulls her socks off, setting them neatly by the boots, then climbs back up to his feet. carefully, he unwinds the scarf from around her neck. she wears it all the time, he's not surprised she took it out beyond the wall, but he's definitely going to have to hand wash it. ]
[ she watches him work for a moment, finding the concern he can't keep from his face in the pinched lines around his mouth and the little furrow between his eyebrows. it's strange that she can read him so well, they haven't known each other nearly long enough to know each other as well as they do. he'd seen her at her absolute lowest point, he knows so many of the worst parts of her, but she finds herself feeling like she's at a disadvantage. ]
The further we went in... the animals were wrong. Deformed or too many eyes or. [ she shrugs and then immediately winces. ] They looked normal to me, Prompto and Clarke said they were wrong though, just off. And they all had these golden eyes. They attacked. Weren't that hard to fight off but they liked to bite.
[ next up is the vest, which he pulls off very carefully as he moves her arms around to do so. his brows furrow as he listens to her explain the details, concentrating both on her words and on being gentle when he moves to pull her shirt off too. the long sleeves are a bit of a pain, but he tugs it up and off without flipping it inside out, so it doesn't wipe any of the grime on her face on the way. ]
[ he accidentally pulls the undershirt with it, leaving her down to just her bra, which in itself isn't a new thing. they're soldiers, too used to utilitarian living, he's seen it before. but he abruptly remembers she kissed him, and for two seconds, it makes him feel odd? like maybe it shouldn't be allowed? good thing he has weird animals to refocus on. ]
All of them had golden eyes? [ that sounds like a weird mutation of this planet. he's never heard of animals spanning various species with all the same eye colors. ] What kind managed to bite you?
[ what kind of injuries is he gonna be on the look out for here, jyn! ]
[ a number of other animals she doesn't have names for but tries to describe, noting that it spanned not just species but phylum and genus. pygmy marmosets with dilated eyes and wide mouths, deformed arachnids of large size sporting animal-like eyes and claws, and reptiles with hard shells and poisonous venom, all with golden eyes.
they didn't come with labels so she can't tell him exactly what they were, standing so he can help her out of her pants. they were smallish animals but there were many and they were aggressive, without provocation. at least without any more provocation than the three humans existing in their space. ]
The spider bites... I don't know if it was poison or whatever that drug was that Daisy talked about, but they made Clarke mad. Angry mad.
[ jyn as well, but she works well being angry, it centers her and probably she didn't get bit as badly from the spiders thanks to the water wall. ]
[ he stands her up and it's so easy to move her around, easy to move in tandem without even thinking about it. he piles her pants alongside the rest of her clothes, leaving her down to undergarments. her injuries really are mostly superficial, but he still frowns. ]
Did it make Prompto mad as well? And you? If it was the same experience, perhaps they extracted the poison to make the drug. [ this mysterious 'they,' someone out there. ]
[ now that all her gross and dirty clothes are gone, cassian starts running the water in the sink, as hot as he can personally handle. he knows jyn likes it much warmer, but alas. ]
[ very gently, he reaches out with a washcloth and starts scrubbing the grime off her face. ]
[ she nods slowly, her head starting to ache, probably from dehydration, she should drink something and licks her lips. ]
I'm always angry. [ but she could feel a difference, shivering under the surface. maybe they didn't bite her hard enough, maybe using her power while they were biting her pushed it out of her, maybe fury is so natural to her it didn't cloud her judgement.
maybe survival is too ingrained in jyn. ]
I'll ask them, I think they were there last time. [ she knows daisy was there at least. ]
[ he tries not to laugh at what she says, but his mouth does twitch with amusement. it's never hard to tell when jyn is angry, because most of the time she is some form of angry, if not a little grumpy. ]
[ he cleans off her face with very careful hands, finding only a scratch on her chin, another at her temple. it isn't anything serious, but he gets out the disinfectant anyway. ]
You have time. I suspect you will all be sleeping well tonight. [ he cotton balls at the cuts, frowning when he realizes it still looks dirty even after the wipedown. ]
[ and the cut on her temple is still bleeding, or at least... he thinks so? it looks like her blood is dirty. every time he wipes at it, he doesn't see red - just murky discolored liquid. ] Jyn. Why are you bleeding dirt?
[ that is not an explanation, but she is working up to it. she is tired, she is sore, despite clarke's blood she was already sunburned and the slight pink is making her skin feel tight and dry and feverish, she'd had a headache for days and she doesn't doubt she is dehydrated on top of her many tiny injuries. ]
She gave Prompto and I transfusions. Her weird blood is black.
[ it had probably definitely kept them alive without any protection, but it's still weird. ]
[ he almost gives her a Look with that reply, so it's a good thing she explains a little bit more, even if it's still very lacking. he'll likely ask for more detail (about everything) after jyn gets a good night's sleep, but right now he just wants to make sure she's well enough to sleep. ]
So you used her blood to help with the high sun. [ he doesn't know if it works like that, but apparently?? it does?? he cleans up her temple wound entirely, wiping it down until he can stick a little bandage on it. no blood on the sheets, especially when it looks like that! ] Temporarily?
Blood transfusions don't last forever, [ jyn agrees. to really fuck themselves up they'd need the bone marrow to make the black blood themselves, but jyn prefers her own blood as a general rule. ]
I know. [ does he know it stings or does he mean about the blood fusions?? maybe both. despite basic first aid knowledge, cassian never got the bedside manner training! no time for that in the field!! ]
[ still, he does wrinkles his nose when she says it hurts. ] It is going to sting for a little while.
[ no apologies tho. ] Maybe the radioactive blood is making it worse.
[ maybe jyn is grumpy from pain and the admittedly mild discomfort from the disinfectant was the straw that broke the bantha's back. who knows what caused the crack, but tears are pooling in her eyes before she realizes and she lifts her hand to smack cassian's hand away from her face, only to barrel forward and curl her arms around him, burying her face against his tee shirt.
it smells like him -- dirt and laundry powder and soap -- and it grounds her in the present. she isn't crying, not really, emotions leaking out because there were too many and they needed to escape. she feels the press of her mother's crystal through his shirt, call feel the warmth of it through the fabric, and it steadies her some, though it may be having cassian's arms around her. ]
I'm tired. [ it's not emotions, it's exhaustion. that is what she is going with. ]
I am not any kind of doctor, technically. [ first aid is not a medical license! ]
[ the teasing dies as soon as he realizes she's started crying, and he has about two seconds of visible, wild concern before she's hugging him. it takes him another two seconds, but he does set aside the cotton balls and medicine and settle his arms around her instead. ]
[ he's careful with his hands, trying to avoid brushing over her skin for too long even if there's very little means to avoid it. he can feel her exhaustion, and it only makes sense. she's probably only touched the service of what was out there, and that was only the physical more natural aspects. ]
[ it's exhaustion, but he knows it's not just physically tired. there's a big jumble of her feelings he won't try to analyze out of privacy. ] I think I got the worst of it all, if you want to put pajamas on and go lay down.
[ cassian is always a comfort, he has been for quite some time now. even before they woke up in new amsterdam. if she was braver she would do something about it but she is not and she will not. instead her arms stay curled around cassian and she holds on to the warm feeling that has always been present between them like gravity but can now be felt. ]
I want a bath first, [ she mumbles against his chest. she doesn't want to bring this dirt and blood into their bed. their bed is like a haven.
it probably would make her sore body feel a little better too and she wouldn't smell like sweat and blood. there are a lot of upsides to a bath, really, probably more she can't think of at the moment. ]
[ it continues to be strange to him that he can be a comfort without even trying. he knows how to provide that sort of shoulder as a machination, or for a purpose, but it's always so genuine with jyn. it's just weird that she finds comfort in him. he likes to hoard that warmth between them as much as she does, too afraid to think about it in case he somehow ruins it. ]
Okay. [ that checks out. jyn loves baths, she wants to relax in one. as soon as she's ready to let go, he'll start the (too hot) water. ]
Do you want anything to eat? I can get some snacks too, or make a sandwich.
jyn sits back on the toilet when he starts drawing the bath, watching him fuss with the taps to get the right temperature. she knows he thinks it's too hot, but he is making it that hot anyway. for her.
she could tell him, right now, what she feels. what she thinks she feels. it's too foreign still for her to know exactly, but it's there. humming under the surface of everything and aching to spill out only she doesn't know what it is. cassian is very dear to her, very important to her, and she wants to know everything about him because he's had a whole life, a whole story, and she came in late, the last chapter. practically an epilogue.
no matter how much she knows about him, she wants to know more. maybe that is simply a very close friendship. she is lacking experience there too. ]
No. [ she fiddles with one of her cuts, picking at the dried blood. ] Will you tell me about your mother?
[ he lets go when she slips away, immediately drawing the bath once his arms are free for it. he's a little surprised she doesn't want food, but she might after the soak, so he just starts contemplating what kind of food he can bring her anyway, even if it stays on the night stand for a midnight snack. ]
My mother? [ he looks over at her in surprise for the topic shift, but maybe she just... wants to get away from the camping trip for a little while. ]
[ he tries to figure out where to begin. he doesn't often talk about his mother, and he was so young when he lost her that sometimes he wonders how much of his memories are real and how much of it was hopeful fill-in-the-blanks when he was lonely. ]
Her name was Carina. Did I tell you that already? [ he frowns. the dreams were so hazy, but he does remember jyn seeing fest and his tiny little house. ] She was born on Fest, just like my father. I remember she used to make me hot cocoa, every time I would come in from the snow.
[ any tidbit of information is hoarded and tucked away like a magpie bringing shimmery, shiny things back to its home. a nest built from tiny stories they both keep hidden, memories too precious to share with just anyone.
it's a warm feeling. ]
You lived on a snowy planet, wouldn't that be every time you came in?
[ half teasing, half genuine. is there a snowy season on planets full of snow? ]
[ he lets himself grin, a tiny bit. ] When I went out to play in it. I assume she just automatically started boiling it up as I went out the door.
[ like how the bathwater is clearly boiling now, the steam rising and fogging up that little corner of of the bathroom. ]
She taught me how to sew. I think. [ he's not sure if that one's real or a hope. sewing was just a necessity across the rebel cells, but he always liked to imagine his mother taught him. ] All our hats were homemade.
[ it's a sweet image, one jyn can clearly envision: tiny cassian, short and chubby, dimple hidden beneath the perpetual few day's growth of his beard visible when he offers a toothy grin as he gambols through the snow, snowflakes sticking in a mop of messy brown hair, probably too long because he couldn't sit still to have it cut.
she isn't going to ask so apart from a holo of him as a child falling from the sky, her image of him is unchangeable. ]
Papa taught me to sew. Mama taught him.
[ back before jyn, on espinar where they met and fell in love in the span of six months, all while surveying the crystals in the cave system. galen had taught jyn on lah'mu while carefully undertaking difficult surgeries to repair her wounded stuffed toys.
saw had taught her later on, retooling stuffed toy care into utilitarian purposes, first aid and clothing. ]
[ she seems to be in a much better mood talking about this, and cassian finds he doesn't feel anything sad bringing up lighter things about his mother. it's not like he talks about her much anyway, and he doesn't mind doing so with jyn. it doesn't feel dangerous, like he's giving away any weaknesses - more like just parts of him he wants to share, for once. ]
It is a very useful skill! You would - or maybe you would not - be surprised by how many people I encountered in all my years who could not sew.
I remember she always insisted I try to repair my own clothes first, once she taught me the basics, but she still went through and fixed them after. [ there's a pause, because does he actually remember that? ] She must have. I was terrible at it until I was probably about ten.
You're good at everything, [ she counters decisively. he doesn't get to contribute to that fact, jyn has decreed it. she hasn't found a single thing he is bad at and while it is infuriating, she also finds it very attractive.
[ like HIMSELF he's so bad at himself. she literally kissed him ten minutes ago and he doesn't know what it means. he is clearly not good at everything when he can fail so spectacularly at that! ]
[ he didn't fail at being kissed, he reacted exactly how jyn wanted him to. it was a success. ]
Can you put bubbles in?
[ not because she particularly likes bubbles -- they are a novelty though -- but because she wants cassian to keep her company while she's in the bath and she thinks he might be uncomfortable if there was nothing keeping her covered up. if it was an emergency she knows that they could both compartmentalize, but this is simply comfort.
and she doesn't relish watching the bathwater turn grey-pink with blood. ]
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[ he has not because she has not. jyn doesn't make a habit of apologizing for anything, because that would imply she regrets anything and jyn doesn't make a habit of admitting she has regrets. ]
The forest didn't want us to be there, [ she says by way of an explanation for the injuries. ]
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[ his mouth twitches like he wants to grin, but he doesn't. she never apologizes, she's too stubborn for that. ]
Are you telling me the trees were sentient? [ he doesn't actually believe that, but it's his way of opening up the conversations towards whatever she wants to tell him about... whatever was out there. he hopes she tells him more. ]
[ he pulls her socks off, setting them neatly by the boots, then climbs back up to his feet. carefully, he unwinds the scarf from around her neck. she wears it all the time, he's not surprised she took it out beyond the wall, but he's definitely going to have to hand wash it. ]
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[ she watches him work for a moment, finding the concern he can't keep from his face in the pinched lines around his mouth and the little furrow between his eyebrows. it's strange that she can read him so well, they haven't known each other nearly long enough to know each other as well as they do. he'd seen her at her absolute lowest point, he knows so many of the worst parts of her, but she finds herself feeling like she's at a disadvantage. ]
The further we went in... the animals were wrong. Deformed or too many eyes or. [ she shrugs and then immediately winces. ] They looked normal to me, Prompto and Clarke said they were wrong though, just off. And they all had these golden eyes. They attacked. Weren't that hard to fight off but they liked to bite.
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[ he accidentally pulls the undershirt with it, leaving her down to just her bra, which in itself isn't a new thing. they're soldiers, too used to utilitarian living, he's seen it before. but he abruptly remembers she kissed him, and for two seconds, it makes him feel odd? like maybe it shouldn't be allowed? good thing he has weird animals to refocus on. ]
All of them had golden eyes? [ that sounds like a weird mutation of this planet. he's never heard of animals spanning various species with all the same eye colors. ] What kind managed to bite you?
[ what kind of injuries is he gonna be on the look out for here, jyn! ]
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[ a number of other animals she doesn't have names for but tries to describe, noting that it spanned not just species but phylum and genus. pygmy marmosets with dilated eyes and wide mouths, deformed arachnids of large size sporting animal-like eyes and claws, and reptiles with hard shells and poisonous venom, all with golden eyes.
they didn't come with labels so she can't tell him exactly what they were, standing so he can help her out of her pants. they were smallish animals but there were many and they were aggressive, without provocation. at least without any more provocation than the three humans existing in their space. ]
The spider bites... I don't know if it was poison or whatever that drug was that Daisy talked about, but they made Clarke mad. Angry mad.
[ jyn as well, but she works well being angry, it centers her and probably she didn't get bit as badly from the spiders thanks to the water wall. ]
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Did it make Prompto mad as well? And you? If it was the same experience, perhaps they extracted the poison to make the drug. [ this mysterious 'they,' someone out there. ]
[ now that all her gross and dirty clothes are gone, cassian starts running the water in the sink, as hot as he can personally handle. he knows jyn likes it much warmer, but alas. ]
[ very gently, he reaches out with a washcloth and starts scrubbing the grime off her face. ]
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I'm always angry. [ but she could feel a difference, shivering under the surface. maybe they didn't bite her hard enough, maybe using her power while they were biting her pushed it out of her, maybe fury is so natural to her it didn't cloud her judgement.
maybe survival is too ingrained in jyn. ]
I'll ask them, I think they were there last time. [ she knows daisy was there at least. ]
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[ he cleans off her face with very careful hands, finding only a scratch on her chin, another at her temple. it isn't anything serious, but he gets out the disinfectant anyway. ]
You have time. I suspect you will all be sleeping well tonight. [ he cotton balls at the cuts, frowning when he realizes it still looks dirty even after the wipedown. ]
[ and the cut on her temple is still bleeding, or at least... he thinks so? it looks like her blood is dirty. every time he wipes at it, he doesn't see red - just murky discolored liquid. ] Jyn. Why are you bleeding dirt?
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[ that is not an explanation, but she is working up to it. she is tired, she is sore, despite clarke's blood she was already sunburned and the slight pink is making her skin feel tight and dry and feverish, she'd had a headache for days and she doesn't doubt she is dehydrated on top of her many tiny injuries. ]
She gave Prompto and I transfusions. Her weird blood is black.
[ it had probably definitely kept them alive without any protection, but it's still weird. ]
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So you used her blood to help with the high sun. [ he doesn't know if it works like that, but apparently?? it does?? he cleans up her temple wound entirely, wiping it down until he can stick a little bandage on it. no blood on the sheets, especially when it looks like that! ] Temporarily?
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This stings.
[ he is a terrible nurse, make it less stingy! ]
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[ still, he does wrinkles his nose when she says it hurts. ] It is going to sting for a little while.
[ no apologies tho. ] Maybe the radioactive blood is making it worse.
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[ maybe jyn is grumpy from pain and the admittedly mild discomfort from the disinfectant was the straw that broke the bantha's back. who knows what caused the crack, but tears are pooling in her eyes before she realizes and she lifts her hand to smack cassian's hand away from her face, only to barrel forward and curl her arms around him, burying her face against his tee shirt.
it smells like him -- dirt and laundry powder and soap -- and it grounds her in the present. she isn't crying, not really, emotions leaking out because there were too many and they needed to escape. she feels the press of her mother's crystal through his shirt, call feel the warmth of it through the fabric, and it steadies her some, though it may be having cassian's arms around her. ]
I'm tired. [ it's not emotions, it's exhaustion. that is what she is going with. ]
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[ the teasing dies as soon as he realizes she's started crying, and he has about two seconds of visible, wild concern before she's hugging him. it takes him another two seconds, but he does set aside the cotton balls and medicine and settle his arms around her instead. ]
[ he's careful with his hands, trying to avoid brushing over her skin for too long even if there's very little means to avoid it. he can feel her exhaustion, and it only makes sense. she's probably only touched the service of what was out there, and that was only the physical more natural aspects. ]
[ it's exhaustion, but he knows it's not just physically tired. there's a big jumble of her feelings he won't try to analyze out of privacy. ] I think I got the worst of it all, if you want to put pajamas on and go lay down.
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I want a bath first, [ she mumbles against his chest. she doesn't want to bring this dirt and blood into their bed. their bed is like a haven.
it probably would make her sore body feel a little better too and she wouldn't smell like sweat and blood. there are a lot of upsides to a bath, really, probably more she can't think of at the moment. ]
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Okay. [ that checks out. jyn loves baths, she wants to relax in one. as soon as she's ready to let go, he'll start the (too hot) water. ]
Do you want anything to eat? I can get some snacks too, or make a sandwich.
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jyn sits back on the toilet when he starts drawing the bath, watching him fuss with the taps to get the right temperature. she knows he thinks it's too hot, but he is making it that hot anyway. for her.
she could tell him, right now, what she feels. what she thinks she feels. it's too foreign still for her to know exactly, but it's there. humming under the surface of everything and aching to spill out only she doesn't know what it is. cassian is very dear to her, very important to her, and she wants to know everything about him because he's had a whole life, a whole story, and she came in late, the last chapter. practically an epilogue.
no matter how much she knows about him, she wants to know more. maybe that is simply a very close friendship. she is lacking experience there too. ]
No. [ she fiddles with one of her cuts, picking at the dried blood. ] Will you tell me about your mother?
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My mother? [ he looks over at her in surprise for the topic shift, but maybe she just... wants to get away from the camping trip for a little while. ]
[ he tries to figure out where to begin. he doesn't often talk about his mother, and he was so young when he lost her that sometimes he wonders how much of his memories are real and how much of it was hopeful fill-in-the-blanks when he was lonely. ]
Her name was Carina. Did I tell you that already? [ he frowns. the dreams were so hazy, but he does remember jyn seeing fest and his tiny little house. ] She was born on Fest, just like my father. I remember she used to make me hot cocoa, every time I would come in from the snow.
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it's a warm feeling. ]
You lived on a snowy planet, wouldn't that be every time you came in?
[ half teasing, half genuine. is there a snowy season on planets full of snow? ]
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[ like how the bathwater is clearly boiling now, the steam rising and fogging up that little corner of of the bathroom. ]
She taught me how to sew. I think. [ he's not sure if that one's real or a hope. sewing was just a necessity across the rebel cells, but he always liked to imagine his mother taught him. ] All our hats were homemade.
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she isn't going to ask so apart from a holo of him as a child falling from the sky, her image of him is unchangeable. ]
Papa taught me to sew. Mama taught him.
[ back before jyn, on espinar where they met and fell in love in the span of six months, all while surveying the crystals in the cave system. galen had taught jyn on lah'mu while carefully undertaking difficult surgeries to repair her wounded stuffed toys.
saw had taught her later on, retooling stuffed toy care into utilitarian purposes, first aid and clothing. ]
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It is a very useful skill! You would - or maybe you would not - be surprised by how many people I encountered in all my years who could not sew.
I remember she always insisted I try to repair my own clothes first, once she taught me the basics, but she still went through and fixed them after. [ there's a pause, because does he actually remember that? ] She must have. I was terrible at it until I was probably about ten.
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who knew competence was a turn on.
literally everyone but jyn. ]
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No, not everything.
[ like HIMSELF he's so bad at himself. she literally kissed him ten minutes ago and he doesn't know what it means. he is clearly not good at everything when he can fail so spectacularly at that! ]
I just have to be good at a lot of things.
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Can you put bubbles in?
[ not because she particularly likes bubbles -- they are a novelty though -- but because she wants cassian to keep her company while she's in the bath and she thinks he might be uncomfortable if there was nothing keeping her covered up. if it was an emergency she knows that they could both compartmentalize, but this is simply comfort.
and she doesn't relish watching the bathwater turn grey-pink with blood. ]
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