[ cassian has been there. not necessarily for the same reasons, but that swell of panic, the inability of his lungs to function like they should. it's just usually in the quiet of his own room, away from people because no one is allowed to see him have a breakdown. ]
[ he steps in closer and blocks the view of the fountain. making sure his hand stays in sight the entire time, he reaches out and carefully wipes the water as best he can from marcos's face. it would be easier with his sleeve, but he doesn't want to risk fabric. he knows what the most common type of water torture is. ]
I am going to count to three. When I get to three, I want you to take a breath. Breathe every time you hear me say 'three.' [ repetition! three, it's something to focus on. ]
[ focus he tries to tell himself. focus on his voice. focus on the fact that he's free of the water. the first time cassian counts, he's not able to do it. he just inhales sharply and shakes his head.
but, he gets a better handle on himself the second time and he breathes shakily. the third time is easier though his breath still comes out stuttered and strained. but, he doesn't feel like he's going to pass out anymore. he still doesn't feel great but he's not in danger of collapsing and choking on his tongue.
[ it's not going to work immediately, and cassian doesn't expect it to. that's not how this works. his labored breathing is not going to pass quickly. the most cassian can do right now is try to make it easier, give a pattern to try and breathe to, to make sure macros actually gets oxygen. ]
[ cassian keeps counting: one, two, three. he doesn't change his tone or the pace, keeping consistent. he doesn't correct marcos's pace, or tell him to start over if there are mistakes. he just turns the numbers into that focal point to pull him away from the water. he wants to get it steady enough so jyn's friend doesn't literally choke before he switches over into a question and makes him start choking all over again. ]
[ it takes time. marcos isn't sure how long he stands there, listening to cassian count to three while trying to count in his head. it feels like hours but in reality, it's probably several long minutes.
eventually, he does manage to get himself under control. his breathing settles down to a harsh pant but he's not struggling to breathe anymore which he'll take. he opens his eyes, focuses on the man in front of him and tries to open his mouth to say something but finds that his throat's still tight and words don't come.
[ there aren't any signs he gets tired of counting. cassian barely moves at all, keeping himself a physical presence to focus on as well as the numbers. ]
[ marcos tries to speak and fails, but he isn't hyperventilating anymore which was honestly just step one. only then does he stop reciting, switching to other words. ]
I want you to follow me. We are going to go inside the building.
[ he takes one step back, to see if marcos can move on his own or if he needs any guidance. if he needs the help, cassian will gently set a hand at his elbow and urge him along. ]
[ he needs the help the first few steps because his feet are rooted to the ground but once his body remembers what to do, he's able to do it on his own though a little slower than usual.
he follows cassian without a word, still counting in his head to focus on anything but the water and the feel and the memory of a cloth over his face, drowning him without mercy. ]
[ cassian guides marcos further from the fountain, picking up the counting again as they keep walking until they reach the doors of the apartment building. sam lets them in with a concerned frown on his face, and cassian spares a moment to promise to sign his guest in shortly. ]
[ he turns back to marcos, sans numbers. ] Tell me how you met Jyn.
[ he knows this story already, albeit from jyn's perspective. but it is unrelated to the torture and thus a good conversation, one he can steer and direct if need be since he already has half of it. ]
[ he's calmed down somewhat but focus is still elusive at best. cassian's words swim at him and he doesn't answer immediately, trying to process the question in his muddled brain. ]
New Tokyo.
[ he remembers that. he remembers the snow and how confident she'd been. ]
[ there is no rush for an answer. cassian only posed the question to give marcos something else to think about. he guides marcos towards a set of chairs off to the side in the lobby; it's tucked away, no one will see. the ideal would be to get him up to their apartment, but he wants to get marcos more settled first. ]
[ still too soon for details, no worries. cassian can get a lot out of the stabbing to begin with. the important part is just pulling marcos's head away from the water. he just wants to get him thinking about... anything else. ]
She stabbed him with a fork. [ the tiny puff he lets out for a laugh is very genuine despite being purposeful to this attempt to weave a distracting story. ] Apparently he had it coming. But I highly doubt it was the first time she weaponized a fork.
Makes me kind of glad I managed to get on her good side initially. [ getting stabbed hurt and he would rather avoid it happening. he'd taken enough punishment as of late. ]
But I'll remember not to call her Miss Erso in plain view of any cutlery. [ it's a weak joke but it's still a joke and he's glad to hear he can still make them right now. ]
Good side or bad side does not seem to matter much when it comes to her fighty-ness. [ jyn will fight anyone, friend or foe! she's argumentative to a fault, but maybe that's just with him. ]
[ 'miss erso' earns a very faint laugh out of him, blink-and-you-miss-it amusement. ] I am not sure you are safe anywhere with that name, but by all means, please keep calling her that. I find it hilarious.
[ it is remarkably easy to talk about jyn for a distraction, but he's not going to analyze that now! no time! marcos's panic attack is more important! jyn is a safe topic! ]
I intend to because it drives her nuts and it makes me laugh.
[ and thinking about jyn and that ridiculous name was much better than thinking about how he'd just had a panic attack over something as simple as water. ]
I'm sure she'll fight me at some point. Most people do.
I would hope it is mostly done in jest. [ or friendly, playful sort of hitting, like the way jyn smacks her hand into his shoulder. ]
But if you need classes in self defense, I am sure it would not be hard to find a teacher. [ because he's trying to keep things light! he can't dive into the psyche of marcos and being hit. ]
[ is that what it's like to have a lot of friends?? lots of punching?? jyn is his friend and she idly hits him a lot, so now cassian is honestly considering this. internally, of course. ]
[ regardless, marcos seems to have come down from his panic attack significantly. ]
I'd rather not. [ while marcos knows how to fight, it's not something he likes doing. if he were back home, he'd use his power but here, he can't really do that. not in any kind of skilled manner.
he takes a breath and looks down, a little shy about what he'd just let cassian see. ]
Thanks for, uh, thanks for the help. Sorry to have derailed your day.
[ cassian doesn't brush it off, but he does adopt a more casual kind of slouch. there's no reason for marcos to be embarrassed, but cassian knows he would probably feel similarly if it were reversed. it's why he tries to keep all his own panic attacks to his bedroom. or the bathroom, if he doesn't want jyn to see and she's home. ]
You did not. [ he waves idly upward. ] You should come up for a few minutes. Have a drink, or eat something. [ also maybe he just wants to make sure marcos is fully over it and not liable to trigger it all over again by stepping outside again so soon. he was probably coming over anyway, if he was this close to the apartment building. ]
I don't want to put you out anymore than I already have.
[ and yes, he knows cassian invited him up and he knows that jyn wouldn't mind if she were there especially considering the circumstances but he still feels like he's putting people out by making them deal with him after these episodes. ]
I'm really all right. [ he thinks. ] I feel better.
[ listen. a laugh is definitely a good sign! mission seemingly accomplished. ]
[ he shrugs, but it's too carefully casual, slow-mo like he is completely innocent in wanting to purposely annoy jyn. besides, he thinks she'll understand when he tells her why. ]
It does not have to be long. Just enough for a churro.
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[ he steps in closer and blocks the view of the fountain. making sure his hand stays in sight the entire time, he reaches out and carefully wipes the water as best he can from marcos's face. it would be easier with his sleeve, but he doesn't want to risk fabric. he knows what the most common type of water torture is. ]
I am going to count to three. When I get to three, I want you to take a breath. Breathe every time you hear me say 'three.' [ repetition! three, it's something to focus on. ]
One. Two. Three.
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but, he gets a better handle on himself the second time and he breathes shakily. the third time is easier though his breath still comes out stuttered and strained. but, he doesn't feel like he's going to pass out anymore. he still doesn't feel great but he's not in danger of collapsing and choking on his tongue.
small favors. ]
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[ cassian keeps counting: one, two, three. he doesn't change his tone or the pace, keeping consistent. he doesn't correct marcos's pace, or tell him to start over if there are mistakes. he just turns the numbers into that focal point to pull him away from the water. he wants to get it steady enough so jyn's friend doesn't literally choke before he switches over into a question and makes him start choking all over again. ]
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eventually, he does manage to get himself under control. his breathing settles down to a harsh pant but he's not struggling to breathe anymore which he'll take. he opens his eyes, focuses on the man in front of him and tries to open his mouth to say something but finds that his throat's still tight and words don't come.
not yet. ]
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[ marcos tries to speak and fails, but he isn't hyperventilating anymore which was honestly just step one. only then does he stop reciting, switching to other words. ]
I want you to follow me. We are going to go inside the building.
[ he takes one step back, to see if marcos can move on his own or if he needs any guidance. if he needs the help, cassian will gently set a hand at his elbow and urge him along. ]
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he follows cassian without a word, still counting in his head to focus on anything but the water and the feel and the memory of a cloth over his face, drowning him without mercy. ]
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[ he turns back to marcos, sans numbers. ] Tell me how you met Jyn.
[ he knows this story already, albeit from jyn's perspective. but it is unrelated to the torture and thus a good conversation, one he can steer and direct if need be since he already has half of it. ]
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New Tokyo.
[ he remembers that. he remembers the snow and how confident she'd been. ]
She told me she'd stabbed someone.
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His name was Peter. She was not lying.
[ "lightly stabbed." ]
What else did she tell you?
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[ he rubs at the side of his head, trying to will his brain into working. it feels like he's wading through sludge. ]
Just basic stuff. Where I was and things like that. I — it's hard to remember right now. The stabbing stands out.
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She stabbed him with a fork. [ the tiny puff he lets out for a laugh is very genuine despite being purposeful to this attempt to weave a distracting story. ] Apparently he had it coming. But I highly doubt it was the first time she weaponized a fork.
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But I'll remember not to call her Miss Erso in plain view of any cutlery. [ it's a weak joke but it's still a joke and he's glad to hear he can still make them right now. ]
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[ 'miss erso' earns a very faint laugh out of him, blink-and-you-miss-it amusement. ] I am not sure you are safe anywhere with that name, but by all means, please keep calling her that. I find it hilarious.
[ it is remarkably easy to talk about jyn for a distraction, but he's not going to analyze that now! no time! marcos's panic attack is more important! jyn is a safe topic! ]
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[ and thinking about jyn and that ridiculous name was much better than thinking about how he'd just had a panic attack over something as simple as water. ]
I'm sure she'll fight me at some point. Most people do.
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[ but getting marcos to think about things that make him laugh is a priority. ]
At least with Jyn, she rarely does it out of malice. [ a beat. ] With her friends, I mean. Miss Erso brings out a funny sort of grumpy.
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[ he knows he could rub people the wrong way sometimes. ]
I'm used to it at this point.
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I would hope it is mostly done in jest. [ or friendly, playful sort of hitting, like the way jyn smacks her hand into his shoulder. ]
But if you need classes in self defense, I am sure it would not be hard to find a teacher. [ because he's trying to keep things light! he can't dive into the psyche of marcos and being hit. ]
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[ he shrugs. ]
I'm exaggerating a bit but it's happened. We're still friends.
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[ regardless, marcos seems to have come down from his panic attack significantly. ]
Maybe you should all join those fighting rings.
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he takes a breath and looks down, a little shy about what he'd just let cassian see. ]
Thanks for, uh, thanks for the help. Sorry to have derailed your day.
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You did not. [ he waves idly upward. ] You should come up for a few minutes. Have a drink, or eat something. [ also maybe he just wants to make sure marcos is fully over it and not liable to trigger it all over again by stepping outside again so soon. he was probably coming over anyway, if he was this close to the apartment building. ]
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[ and yes, he knows cassian invited him up and he knows that jyn wouldn't mind if she were there especially considering the circumstances but he still feels like he's putting people out by making them deal with him after these episodes. ]
I'm really all right. [ he thinks. ] I feel better.
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[ it's the little pause between the i'm all right and i feel better that makes cassian doubt both reassurances. ]
Jyn just got a bunch of churros. [ gotta lure him in. ] Imagine how annoyed Miss Erso will be if you eat some before she gets to.
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You're trying to lure me in with the prospect of pissing Jyn off.
[ a good tactic. ]
Maybe...maybe for a few minutes. I won't stay long.
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[ he shrugs, but it's too carefully casual, slow-mo like he is completely innocent in wanting to purposely annoy jyn. besides, he thinks she'll understand when he tells her why. ]
It does not have to be long. Just enough for a churro.
[ a churro of annoyance. ]
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