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[evasives]

@cassian.andor | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[evasives]

[ it was a learning experience. ]

I had to be. It does not work for everyone.

[motivation]

someone tried
not to turn me into a logical person
to turn me into something unfeeling

[ does knowing why khlyen did it make it better? make it all right? -- she goes back and forth on it. ]

[evasives]

Like those hullen you mentioned?

Or something else?

[ no one tried to turn off his feelings. cassian just did it to himself. he doesn't know if that's better or worse. ]

[motivation]

like them
to make it easier to survive the transformation
to protect me

[ this is the most she's ever talked about this to anyone not johnny or d'avin, to anyone not involved in the fight

she didn't turn off her feelings; she was broken out of them ]

[evasives]

Transformation into what?

[ he knows she said "into something unfeeling" earlier, but there are a lot of different reasons that could be deemed necessary. he has theories, but he won't ask. ]

[motivation]

[ well, fuck it
she's told him this much ]

hullen

[evasives]

[ at least he carved out his emotions himself. he can't imagine someone else doing it to him. ]

What was it supposed to protect you from?

[motivation]

dying
being killed by them

to give me better odds at killing them, too

[evasives]

[ well. it helped him, at least that's what he tells himself. but when she puts it that way, phrases it like a horror story, he wonders just how much good it actually did him in the end. ]

Someone tried to turn you into a weapon.

[motivation]

he did more than try

[ she is a weapon. she's been a weapon for almost all her life. the battles she fights these days are against other people pulling the trigger, are for her own agency. ]

[evasives]

[ isn't that what he was too? a weapon for the rebellion, albeit by his own choice? he weaponized all kinds of things about himself and lost a lot of pieces along the way. ]

And what about now? Do you still think of yourself that way?

[motivation]

i know what i am

[ that's a yes. he lost pieces of himself along the way, dutch was forcefully stripped of them. in the end, it makes little difference, does it? ]

[evasives]

[ not a direct answer, but he can read between the lines. what's left, after all that? dutch says she knows what she is, but cassian isn't sure about himself anymore. what's a weapon without a war? ]

Do you ever want to change that?

[motivation]

sometimes

[ johnny taught her that there's more to life than death and cold calculations, that she can be warm and have a family and people she cares for. that being a weapon can mean protecting those she cares for, too ]

mostly i want to change who pulls my strings
i hate being manipulated

[evasives]

I am not sure there are very many strings here.

But you can still cut them once you know they exist.

[motivation]

there's always strings
someone brought us here, someone's keeping us here

[ she's so sick and tired of being manipulated ]

[evasives]

Then we find those strings.

That is what I am after. If I am going to stay here, I do not want to be manipulated either.

[motivation]

deal

[evasives]

We have to use our skills for something.

[motivation]

you never told me all of yours

[ but then, she never told him hers, either. and still, she knows that they're alike. not all the ways in which they are, but that they are. ]

[evasives]

There are a few. I imagine they are quite similar to yours.

Except they were not forced on me by a person so much as circumstance.

[motivation]

did you learn how to kill, dance and marry a prince, too?

[ she figures it's the first more than the last two ]

still shit

[evasives]

I have been fighting in wars and rebellions since I was six. I probably could have married a prince, if I needed to.

[ there are so many things he learned just because he needed to. he's used his looks for information a lot along the way. ]

It was done to overthrow an empire. But yes. Still shit.

[motivation]

did knowing the reason help?

[evasives]

Yes. Mostly.

[ not nearly as much as he pretends. ]