No one else knows home, I didn't want us to forget.
[ as if there is a chance.
it is clarke's influence, sketching down her memories to carry on and show to madi. not many people are likely to see the planets of her and cassian's galaxy, they have no one to pass the memories on to, but that doesn't keep her from wanting to hang on to the memories of her and cassian own personal history. together.
they could take hundreds of selfies but she is too private. she doesn't want to share with anyone else anyway. ]
If we can't go back, what is stopping us from bringing some of it here?
[ he likes that even though some of these places have some less than pristine memories, he hadn't felt any of that looking at the wall. it just reminded him that everything they lived before has lead to their life here. ]
[ he pushes a strand of wet hair out of her eyes. ] Bringing the old home to the new one.
[ despite knowing that cassian would like it -- he is a sap, he would like most anything she made for him -- the smile of relief that spreads across her expression steals away decades of hurt and loneliness from the lines around her eyes.
she gets it now, why her parents went through such pains to stay together. there is something intensely empowering in knowing someone is there as a support system, a partner. she doesn't know if she can forgive her mother for leaving her to go after her father, but she does understand now. ]
[ he is. she doesn't have to say it aloud for him to feel it, to know it, to see the lines of loneliness disappear from her face all because of him and how happy he is to see their new wall and their lives coming together. ]
Then welcome home.
[ he's said it once before, of course, and it was no less significant. but this one is punctuated by a kiss, by a warm smile as he presses his lips to hers and finds himself coming home too. ]
despite cassian being very capable of looking after himself, jyn is fiercely protective of his happiness. he's such a gentle, good person who has spent so long slipping through the grey areas, blood on his hands, that jyn would do anything for cassian to feel happy and at home with the war behind them.
one war behind them, at least.
everything fuzzy and soft, jyn's arms curl around cassian's shoulders, soaking what remained of his dry clothes. they should get out of the bath but jyn figures they've earned this precious sliver of peace together. they fought for peace across the galaxy, they can have a tiny bit of it for themselves. she breathes out a contented sigh, dazzled by this beautiful, sodden man in her arms and too settled to let her anxieties colour in any other emotions for once. no fear, no running. ]
[ he doesn't often feel good or deserving of happiness, but the fact that jyn is still here with him too makes him feel like he could be. she knows what he's done, what he is capable of, but she wraps her arms around him anyway, like there's no place she'd rather be - and that feeling is very much mutual. soaking clothes and all. ]
[ he can't forget the war behind them, but in moments like this he can feel like there's more to him than war. there's a little bit of peace too, as warm as her hands from the water they're lounging in. ]
There is nowhere I would rather be.
[ not in the tub, of course. but with her. whether it's in their house, in a park, in the midst of another war on this planet - the place doesn't matter. he wants to tackle it all beside her. ]
[ life has told her otherwise; that she is unimportant, insignificant, meaningless. too inconsequential for her name to be more than "the child", too nonessential to come back for, too immaterial to be remembered.
worthless.
she still feels all those things, that her friends are going to drop her when push comes to shove, that she doesn't matter in the long run, that her second chance is going to end just like the first, forgotten ash on a forgotten beach, not even memories to keep them alive. it isn't that cassian makes all that go away; cassian makes it feel like she can carry on despite those feelings, that she is strong enough to push through against the odds. ]
Good.
[ anticlimactic, but genuine. it is good. they are together and it is good. a brief press of a kiss is all else she can manage, full up on emotions that feel like they're threatening to leak out. ]
Might as well get out of those clothes now that they're soaked through. [ her fingers play at his still mostly dry hair. ] Join me, Captain. The water's obviously cold enough for you.
[ sometimes it's nice to have a little anticlimactic. good, she says, and that's it. no justification or run around thoughts, just acceptance on both their parts and a smile on his face as she kisses him again. ]
[ finalized with a roll of his eyes. ] This water is not cold.
[ but it's a neat way to segue into sitting back in the tub, catching his balance in a new way to peel his soaking shirt up and off. that was the easier part he realizes, faced with folded legs and a pair of pants. he climbs to his feet and shucks the rest of his clothes, dropping them into a pile on the tiled floor so they don't soak up the bathrug too. ]
[ it's a strange form of intimacy to sit back down in the tub with her, scars bared across his skin and only wanting to exist with her. he just... doesn't know where to go from here? he's never done this, sitting awkwardly in front of her with a crooked sort of smile. ] It's a good temperature, actually.
[ jyn has seen cassian naked before, but watching him pull his sodden shirt off does new and interesting things to her imagination, watching the water roll down his muscles. kriffing hell it is unfair how attractive he is? it is unfair that she is so attracted to him. why doesn't that turn off!
she makes a face as he sinks down again, nose wrinkled. ]
It's freezing, turn around and come here.
[ the water is cold so she needs some cassian andor shaped body heat. ]
[ cassian is not an oblivious man, but he does miss the way she watches him strip in this case, because he's not thinking of himself that way. he catches it only briefly at the end, at the scrunchy faces she makes. ]
[ he rolls his eyes, making sure she witnesses the expression before he does as she says and turns around in the tub, sloshing some of the (NOT COLD) water. ]
You might be coming down with something, if you think this is freezing. There was still steam when I came in the room.
Barely, [ she scoffs. jyn likes her water to be near scalding, it's not her fault cassian prefers his at a completely normal and reasonable temperature.
stretching back, she grabs one of the washcloths from the ledge, dunking it in the (perfectly warm) water. there is something incredibly intimate in sliding the washcloth across his shoulder and down his arm. ]
I have not lived regularly in the snow since I was six! [ there's almost a laugh with the argument, an easy sound. ]
[ it's a little scary, sitting here so quietly while jyn smooths the cloth over his skin. she's seen him naked before, she's seen his scars long before that too, but it's the kind of intimacy that spring his nerves to life. he's comfortable all the same, trusting and relaxed while she chases away longtime anxieties about being this close to another person with each swipe of water. ]
Part of living in the cold is knowing how to keep warm, you know.
[ his nice warm, fluffy jacket that smelled like blaster oil and was filled with whisperbird feathers. with his nice warm gloves. atop his other warm jacket. whilst jyn had one very thin jacket and vest and a scarf she straight up stole off a hook in the hangar. the alliance could have given her more appropriate outerwear but
[ he smiles a tiny bit. ] It was a very warm jacket, yes. But it is not all jackets.
[ a beat. ] It is mostly jackets. Layers. But I will give you that despite that, some people are just always cold.
[ like jyn. she'd probably need many many layers on fest. or maybe his planet is warmer than he remembers. it's not like he's been back, or will ever be back, to tell. ]
[ all the meat on her bones is muscle, she doesn't have enough body fat yet to keep her warm! this isn't a protest she makes aloud, quiet for a while remembering the feel of the fur when it brushed against her during those brief moments on jedha.
she keeps moving with the washcloth, almost massaging the tension out of his shoulders with the warm cloth, willing him to relax completely with her. ]
Do you remember the food on Jedha?
[ she would have killed to stop for a snack. thick soup or sweet fried cookies or fragrant yellow rice. ]
[ it occurs to him that they hadn't ate much on jedha. he was so rushed, so determined, so full of tivik's death while trying to meet the man's sister. there were a lot of planets like that, and he wonders how much he missed about them simply from the priorities of a mission. ]
[ it makes him a little sad, thinking about it like that. it's an undercurrent more than anything else, because her hands are pulling apart the stiff line of tension that virtually always exists in him. ]
[ jyn has been hunting for the cookies she'd almost gotten the chance to try before chirrut and then cassian interrupted her and she still hasn't found any that visually compare. not here, not in new tokyo, not in new prague. maybe in new beijing.
why can't she just find magical red cookies fried to perfect crisp and soaked with sugar?? why is this so difficult! ]
I wish you would have let me try that soup.
[ but he was in a hurry and jedha was a war zone and she understands, she just really wanted soup. cassian hasn't stopped her from trying any of the foods here. her knuckles press into a knot, bearing down until she feels it unravel, satisfied with the way cassian relaxes against her. ]
I didn't do that because of the soup. Just good timing.
[ it's okay, he wishes he'd let her try the soup too. he's trying very hard not to dwell on his regrets, but there are many of them. ]
[ he is distracted from that thought by the press of her knuckles into a particularly tense knot in his back, and he lets out a soft sound of relief when it dissipates, even if it spent a few seconds being painful. his back is so tense, all the time. his entire body is, if he's being honest. ]
[ but her hands are warm. ]
You could find another knot and prove it. [ pls keep at it. ] And we can keep looking for a similar soup.
[ she feels the regret, cold and sour, and she swallows to chase the taste of it away. there is really no escaping the empathy bond like this. maybe she could manipulate the water to act as a guard between them but she doesn't bother.
even before they could feel each other's emotions, she and cassian were connected. they never needed some mystical bond to build a closeness and intensity that burned brighter than the death star. ]
It was only soup.
[ her arm curls around his chest, drawing herself forward so she can kiss the back of his neck. she made it off jedha with more important things than soup. ]
[ it's not that cassian forgets about the bond; it's just easier with jyn because she already knows so much about him. it's scarier too, but not the kind of emotional fear he runs from. ]
[ she wraps her arms around him, and he can feel her lips on his skin as much as the warmth and affection she has for him. it's enveloping him as physically as it is emotionally thanks to her hug, and he very carefully settle his hands on her arms. keeping her there, letting himself sit with the sensation of being loved. it feels like it shouldn't be allowed, but he wants to drown in it anyway. ]
[ a real goodbye, a message that she had been loved her whole life, a purpose, the beginnings of what would become her home. at the time it felt like a failure, overwhelmed by the feeling of losing saw all over again, but time and distance has revealed that she had gained more than she lost.
cassian had said her father would be proud of her and she knows he meant galen, but saw would have been proud of them all, they had fought to the end. ]
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no subject
[ as if there is a chance.
it is clarke's influence, sketching down her memories to carry on and show to madi. not many people are likely to see the planets of her and cassian's galaxy, they have no one to pass the memories on to, but that doesn't keep her from wanting to hang on to the memories of her and cassian own personal history. together.
they could take hundreds of selfies but she is too private. she doesn't want to share with anyone else anyway. ]
If we can't go back, what is stopping us from bringing some of it here?
no subject
[ he likes that even though some of these places have some less than pristine memories, he hadn't felt any of that looking at the wall. it just reminded him that everything they lived before has lead to their life here. ]
[ he pushes a strand of wet hair out of her eyes. ] Bringing the old home to the new one.
no subject
she gets it now, why her parents went through such pains to stay together. there is something intensely empowering in knowing someone is there as a support system, a partner. she doesn't know if she can forgive her mother for leaving her to go after her father, but she does understand now. ]
Yeah. This place isn't home though.
[ he is. ]
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Then welcome home.
[ he's said it once before, of course, and it was no less significant. but this one is punctuated by a kiss, by a warm smile as he presses his lips to hers and finds himself coming home too. ]
no subject
despite cassian being very capable of looking after himself, jyn is fiercely protective of his happiness. he's such a gentle, good person who has spent so long slipping through the grey areas, blood on his hands, that jyn would do anything for cassian to feel happy and at home with the war behind them.
one war behind them, at least.
everything fuzzy and soft, jyn's arms curl around cassian's shoulders, soaking what remained of his dry clothes. they should get out of the bath but jyn figures they've earned this precious sliver of peace together. they fought for peace across the galaxy, they can have a tiny bit of it for themselves. she breathes out a contented sigh, dazzled by this beautiful, sodden man in her arms and too settled to let her anxieties colour in any other emotions for once. no fear, no running. ]
Thanks for sticking around.
no subject
[ he can't forget the war behind them, but in moments like this he can feel like there's more to him than war. there's a little bit of peace too, as warm as her hands from the water they're lounging in. ]
There is nowhere I would rather be.
[ not in the tub, of course. but with her. whether it's in their house, in a park, in the midst of another war on this planet - the place doesn't matter. he wants to tackle it all beside her. ]
no subject
worthless.
she still feels all those things, that her friends are going to drop her when push comes to shove, that she doesn't matter in the long run, that her second chance is going to end just like the first, forgotten ash on a forgotten beach, not even memories to keep them alive. it isn't that cassian makes all that go away; cassian makes it feel like she can carry on despite those feelings, that she is strong enough to push through against the odds. ]
Good.
[ anticlimactic, but genuine. it is good. they are together and it is good. a brief press of a kiss is all else she can manage, full up on emotions that feel like they're threatening to leak out. ]
Might as well get out of those clothes now that they're soaked through. [ her fingers play at his still mostly dry hair. ] Join me, Captain. The water's obviously cold enough for you.
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[ finalized with a roll of his eyes. ] This water is not cold.
[ but it's a neat way to segue into sitting back in the tub, catching his balance in a new way to peel his soaking shirt up and off. that was the easier part he realizes, faced with folded legs and a pair of pants. he climbs to his feet and shucks the rest of his clothes, dropping them into a pile on the tiled floor so they don't soak up the bathrug too. ]
[ it's a strange form of intimacy to sit back down in the tub with her, scars bared across his skin and only wanting to exist with her. he just... doesn't know where to go from here? he's never done this, sitting awkwardly in front of her with a crooked sort of smile. ] It's a good temperature, actually.
no subject
she makes a face as he sinks down again, nose wrinkled. ]
It's freezing, turn around and come here.
[ the water is cold so she needs some cassian andor shaped body heat. ]
no subject
[ he rolls his eyes, making sure she witnesses the expression before he does as she says and turns around in the tub, sloshing some of the (NOT COLD) water. ]
You might be coming down with something, if you think this is freezing. There was still steam when I came in the room.
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stretching back, she grabs one of the washcloths from the ledge, dunking it in the (perfectly warm) water. there is something incredibly intimate in sliding the washcloth across his shoulder and down his arm. ]
You're just a snow creature.
no subject
[ it's a little scary, sitting here so quietly while jyn smooths the cloth over his skin. she's seen him naked before, she's seen his scars long before that too, but it's the kind of intimacy that spring his nerves to life. he's comfortable all the same, trusting and relaxed while she chases away longtime anxieties about being this close to another person with each swipe of water. ]
Part of living in the cold is knowing how to keep warm, you know.
no subject
[ his nice warm, fluffy jacket that smelled like blaster oil and was filled with whisperbird feathers. with his nice warm gloves. atop his other warm jacket. whilst jyn had one very thin jacket and vest and a scarf she straight up stole off a hook in the hangar. the alliance could have given her more appropriate outerwear but
nah. ]
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[ a beat. ] It is mostly jackets. Layers. But I will give you that despite that, some people are just always cold.
[ like jyn. she'd probably need many many layers on fest. or maybe his planet is warmer than he remembers. it's not like he's been back, or will ever be back, to tell. ]
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she keeps moving with the washcloth, almost massaging the tension out of his shoulders with the warm cloth, willing him to relax completely with her. ]
Do you remember the food on Jedha?
[ she would have killed to stop for a snack. thick soup or sweet fried cookies or fragrant yellow rice. ]
no subject
[ it occurs to him that they hadn't ate much on jedha. he was so rushed, so determined, so full of tivik's death while trying to meet the man's sister. there were a lot of planets like that, and he wonders how much he missed about them simply from the priorities of a mission. ]
[ it makes him a little sad, thinking about it like that. it's an undercurrent more than anything else, because her hands are pulling apart the stiff line of tension that virtually always exists in him. ]
I wish I had recipes to recreate here.
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why can't she just find magical red cookies fried to perfect crisp and soaked with sugar?? why is this so difficult! ]
I wish you would have let me try that soup.
[ but he was in a hurry and jedha was a war zone and she understands, she just really wanted soup. cassian hasn't stopped her from trying any of the foods here. her knuckles press into a knot, bearing down until she feels it unravel, satisfied with the way cassian relaxes against her. ]
I didn't do that because of the soup. Just good timing.
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[ he is distracted from that thought by the press of her knuckles into a particularly tense knot in his back, and he lets out a soft sound of relief when it dissipates, even if it spent a few seconds being painful. his back is so tense, all the time. his entire body is, if he's being honest. ]
[ but her hands are warm. ]
You could find another knot and prove it. [ pls keep at it. ] And we can keep looking for a similar soup.
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even before they could feel each other's emotions, she and cassian were connected. they never needed some mystical bond to build a closeness and intensity that burned brighter than the death star. ]
It was only soup.
[ her arm curls around his chest, drawing herself forward so she can kiss the back of his neck. she made it off jedha with more important things than soup. ]
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[ it's not that cassian forgets about the bond; it's just easier with jyn because she already knows so much about him. it's scarier too, but not the kind of emotional fear he runs from. ]
[ she wraps her arms around him, and he can feel her lips on his skin as much as the warmth and affection she has for him. it's enveloping him as physically as it is emotionally thanks to her hug, and he very carefully settle his hands on her arms. keeping her there, letting himself sit with the sensation of being loved. it feels like it shouldn't be allowed, but he wants to drown in it anyway. ]
Probably good soup.
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[ a real goodbye, a message that she had been loved her whole life, a purpose, the beginnings of what would become her home. at the time it felt like a failure, overwhelmed by the feeling of losing saw all over again, but time and distance has revealed that she had gained more than she lost.
cassian had said her father would be proud of her and she knows he meant galen, but saw would have been proud of them all, they had fought to the end. ]
Better than soup.