Linguistics don't have to make any sense to be correct. [he speaks a lot of languages, he would know!]
[he still does not let go of her hand, because he likes holding her hand. he turns it around though, so he can plant another kiss to her palm this time. he knows she loves it and he loves drowning her in affection, so it's a win-win situation.]
[ her nose wrinkles on a reflex and she makes a face. ]
You can certainly try. Just know... that if you did say herb properly, I'd let you go down on me, any time you wanted, for the rest of our lives.
[ which would be a big win for him since most of the time she is still keen to just distract him with something else. it's not that she doesn't like it, she is just still struggling to accept that kind of willing and enthusiastic attention. ]
As tempting as that is, any time I want is not always when you want. [and that part is important to him! he can tell when she's not up for it by how much she tries to distract him, but it doesn't bother him. he would love to do it more, but they have time.]
Maybe it's like immersive learning, [ she considers, thinking out loud. because she doesn't hate it and she doesn't want him to think that, it's just so foreign to her still...
she leans in to kiss him this time, soft and sweet. ]
[ he is so patient with her, regardless of the situation, even when sometimes she doesn't deserve it, and she hates to think that anything good could have come out of their shit lives, but he is worth it.
she nods, to herself, but it is decisive. ]
Cassian. I want you to go down on me. Like, now. Also can we get a house with a bedroom so we don't have to worry about Raddus interrupting?
[he nearly does a double take over her sudden flip, letting out a stuttered surprised laugh.]
We can make sure it has a bedroom. And a kitchen, a living room - it sounds like a luxury to have more than one room, but I want that. [their cat really does not give a fuck what they get up to when she wants attention.]
[he nudges at her legs still sprawled over his lap.] Lay down please.
[ jyn scoots back out of his space, reaching back to adjust one of the pillows before she reclines back on it. talk about luxury, this feels indulgent, to have time to explore and get to know one another. it used to feel oppressive, the time, but now it stretches out before them, nebulously finite and it isn't as terrifying because there is one constant.
cassian will be by her side. ]
It's still kriffing herb, for the record, don't think I changed my mind.
[he crawls after and over her to steal a kiss, lingering for a few seconds against her mouth. this time he has with jyn is as much of a luxury as getting a house with her, one he didn't think he'd ever get to experience, with anyone. he thinks it's very lucky it's her; for all the ways they're alike and different, they really are a mosaic just like she said, gluing themselves together.]
We'll see when we are finished.
[he fiddles with her pants and her underwear to peel them off before settling himself comfortably between her legs. he loves her, a lot. time 2 go down to town, just like she asked.]
[it's definitely "erb," and he will change her mind, at least for the rest of the evening.]
Like a garden. [he repeats it because there's something soft about it that's so unlike either of them but it feels fitting anyway.] Our own garden, just for us. [a personalized feelings garden that no one else is allowed to see. they can water it when necessary and plant all kinds of flowers.] We are just sorting through the weeds along the way.
[she frowns, and he does too. he lets go of one hand, so he can cup her cheek.]
I do. [it's instant forgiveness, because they were both being disasters. he's not sure he believes her that he's the greatest thing in the galaxy, but it's a nice warm thought anyway.] I should not have waited until now to bring it up either and made it worse for myself. It was disingenuous to pretend I was fine, and I don't like that with sex. I don't like that with you.
To be perfectly fair, I don't think I sort of foster a community of open conversation. You can't really be blamed for not wanting to bring it up.
[ with her. because she'd already said multiple times on multiple occasions that she'd rather jump out an airlock than confront her own feelings so it tracks that he would be hesitant to confront his feelings with her. ]
It's not your fault I make this difficult.
[ almost nervously: ] You did like it though. Right?
[she is...not wrong, but it doesn't mean he wants to admit that to her! it was hard for him to bring up how he was feeling, too cautious about making her want to run away again. but he should have done it before they slept together, probably.]
It is not easy for either of us. [that much is definitely true.]
[he traces his thumb over her cheek.] I did. You made me feel very happy and very good. I hope it was good for you too.
[he pauses.] I am sorry I did not really tell you what I wanted or liked either. [he realizes she may have been worrying about that, especially since it was wrapped up in his inability to acknowledge Any Feelings.] I am not... used to that. To talking about what I want, to being asked. I don't know how to ask.
But I want to be able to tell you. It's something else we can work on.
[ she chews on her lip because it was easier to blurt that out when he was inside her, in the heat of the moment. she's not shy about sex but she's still all jelly-limbed and warm from earlier. ]
Okay. Good, I am glad. [because jyn's enjoyment was his priority yolo.]
[he freezes, put on the spot again!! only this time he can't distract her with kisses. he just... stares at her for a few seconds because he still doesn't know how to answer it!]
I need to work on that, remember? All I can think of wanting is just... you.
[ how is he meant to work on it if she doesn't keep asking! she reaches between them to tiptoe her fingers up his chest, glancing away from his face to watch the progress of her hands through the fine, coarse hair across his chest. ]
Immersive learning. How do you want me, Cassian?
[ if it's too much, too soon she expects him to tell her. ]
[he swallows, his own eyes dropping down to her fingers moving over his chest. he wants to answer her. he wants to figure out how to answer her, at least. there are probably a million ways he might want her, but trying to think about it in the context of his wants over making sure she's okay is Difficult.]
I don't know if I can do this now too. [he sounds apologetic. but he did just kind of... completely fall apart on her. he feels much more settled now that they've talked about Feelings but he's still kind of swimming in emotional drainage, he hasn't even begun processing how he might want her.]
I want you in a lot of ways, but I don't know how to... tell you. It does not feel like I should.
[he covers her hand with his own, keeping her there.]
You can ask me again next time. You should. Maybe even ask me tomorrow. Maybe the more you ask me, the more it will feel normal. I want us both to keep figuring this out, together.
[she doesn't know what she likes, he doesn't know how to bring it up. but... if they could figure out how to say i love you, sex can't be that hard.]
Together sounds good. [ tomorrow sounds good, next time, more, it's going to keep happening because they're going to keep happening. which is a nice thought, one that makes her feel warm inside. ]
Yeah. I do. [watching a movie feels so normal for them, he kind of wants to just sit with her and do something normal. relax with a movie, maybe some cuddling. they have tomorrow. they have time after that too.]
[he gives her a tiny smile.] We should clean ourselves up first though.
[and maybe put some clothes back on, he supposes.]
[ her free hand reaches up to ruffle his mussed up hair. ] I kind of like how you look now. All tired and messy and soft. [ her fingers trail down to brush against his collarbone, coasting over a mark left behind by her teeth. ]
[he didn't think he could be soft, but jyn is proving to him otherwise. he smiles at her, and even that is soft. he's much much more at ease now than he was immediately after, and it let's him take in the sight of her much more appreciatively. he cradles her cheek and just looks at her, completely enamored.] You wore me out.
We can always just lounge in our underwear. Our apartment, our rules. Even if I could look at you like this all day.
[ she might need new underwear, jyn assumes, glancing idly and their clothes thrown across the couch and floor, one leg of cassian's sweats on the coffee table. ]
That sounds good. The underwear part, you'll have to get your lookin' in now because I've got to pee.
[ so he is on a time crunch for staring at her. ]
When did you know? You know, that you love me.
[ he loves her. it's still bonkers and frankly at this point she isn't sure she will ever be over it. presumably one day it will be as natural and second nature as anything but right now it's a marvel she still can't quite understand. ]
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