[ he wants to pull his hand away because he doesn't want her to know what he's feeling, but her grip is surprisingly tight, and maybe that sense of calm he gets from her washes over him enough to keep him holding on too. ]
[ he's still confused, only now it's out of how he can give someone this kind of peace. he can tell she feels it because of him. instead of dealing with that and how relieved he is by her addendum, he just rolls off the other part of her slurry happiness. ]
You are a little blurry. [ he squeezes her hand, and with it comes a rush of gratitude. she'd come back for him, and he believes it. ] Thank you.
[ the longer jyn holds on, the warmer the feeling gets. she doesn't know how to name it, she honestly can't feel it as an emotion, it has settled into her bones now like it was burned there on the beach.
it feels like home. ]
Come with me tomorrow. [ have a drink, stop her from having forty two. right now she has the sleepy enthusiasm and ambition of a drunk white girl. stacy! do you wanna work out like tomorrow? do you wanna go at like six? it's five now!
[ everything gets warmer and warmer each passing second, and cassian still feels like he should pull away. it's scary and he shouldn't be allowed to get cozy with this sort of comfort, but he also wants to throw himself in the pool and drown in it. it feels like he's chasing something he lost so long ago. ]
[ there's probably a chill middle ground somewhere. ]
Go where? To more parties? [ at least he sounds more amused than ready to reject her. ] I think we should wait and see how you are feeling tomorrow first.
Festivities then. [ it seems like the whole town is turning into a party, but jyn would be the person to find the fun with the least amount of people. ]
[ he half grins. she didn't ask directly! ] I do. It is something I would have picked out myself.
[ which also makes him feel warm? that she could know exactly what he might like. ]
[ another hum, sounding sleepier but not looking like she is going to move from her spot any time soon. he might find himself with a lap full of sleeping jyn. ]
Good. [ that is what she was intending and if she was sober and quicker, she would have simply hung it up in the closet and let him find it that way and wonder if he'd bought a jacket in his sleep. sleep shopping. if she was sober she wouldn't have wanted to give it to him because she'd be uncomfortable with making a thing of it.
[ he can't sleep like this! that's a lie, cassian can sleep almost anywhere, but it doesn't mean he wants to. ]
[ good thing he's still distracted by the idea of the jacket, by the way she's holding his hand, and by all the strange feelings to do anything about that just yet. ]
What - here? [ in their bed? where they usually sleep? ] Where else would I go, Jyn?
[ this makes sense in her head but that is the only place it makes sense, somehow her brain leaped from cassian moving a whole inch to his former (current?) vocation. ]
[ now she is being purposefully stupid. and she still doesn't move, she's very comfortable! as lean as cassian is, muscled under that scrawny frame, he has a very comfortable lap. ]
All of them, [ jyn reiterates firmly. she is not generally demanding, too used to having nothing to insist on anything. but she wants this. she wants to know this, one of cassian's many secrets. ]
I knew a Xosad, and we pulled him from Saw. He was terrible at recruitment. How long ago was this? A few years?
[ it probably isn't something he should pick her brain over while she's not in her best state of mind, but he can't help it. was he really that close to her before finding her on wobani? ]
[ she was seventeen-ish, but her brain won't do the math because she can't settle on how old she is now. ]
It was after Saw left me. He wasn't like that, you know. What you saw. He was different, stronger, whole. He was like that 'cause of me. [ broken, damaged. ]
[ she rattles off her birthday easily, so it is clearly that she lost track of time. everything blended together in prison and she didn't keep track of the days on her wall, why would she? it would be a countdown to her death. after that is was a blur of battles and hyperspace and time is meaningless when you're hurtling through space.
but it's the part about saw that draws her attention back. ]
No. No. It was me. [ her free hand taps her chest to definitively illustrate that she means herself, sadness drifting through the empathy bond. sadness and grief and guilt. ] It was a set up. Someone figured out who I was and they told the Empire and they set us up. There was a bomb and Saw threw himself on top of me and...
[ cassian had seen him.
jyn remembers the hot blood drenching her clothes, saw's scream of agony as fire and metal rained down on them, the splutter of blood in his mouth every time he spoke. the man on jedha, he had become that because of her, and it seemed unfair that cassian didn't get to see him the way jyn remembered him -- strong and proud and laughing when she managed to best him.
the sorrow that pours from her is deep and tinged with the bitter longing she'd felt when he abandoned her, to protect her. it had hurt to much to see it at the time, but now she knows. and it still hurts, softened only by grief and too much more loss. ]
[ they can figure out how old she is later, it feels unimportant now. ]
[ he can feel her sadness so strongly that it starts making him sad, sympathy bubbling up too, but never pity. he had seen saw, he saw the injuries, heard his breathing, knew the rumors - but saw had been fighting since the clone wars, and cassian wasn't surprised to find him in such a state. ]
[ his grip on her hand is tight enough to tell her he is here and he is listening, but not tight enough to be a distraction. hopefully. ]
To me, that is still the war's doing. His decision to save you is not your fault, Jyn. The galaxy has been fighting him down since before you were born, it has created ways of life where these things happen. But what happened to Saw was not you.
[ a beat. ] I have always found it ironic that the Alliance calls the actions of a cadre like Saw's terrorism when the Empire does the same thing.
[ when some of his own work would be right up the partisan's alley. ]
How else would they distance themselves and pretend their hands are clean?
[ gotta put the blame somewhere! she doesn't need to be sober to know that! with some hilariously dramatic noises like an old lady, jyn creaks and groans her way out of his lap and slides down to lay on the bed properly. she wriggles like she wants to be under the covers but.
[ oh. he kind of misses her when she moves, which is a strange thought, one he tries to disregard completely. it's better to focus on biting back a laugh at how frustrated she is by the concept of Moving Her Body. he could help. but. ]
[ he does not. for the hilarity of it. ]
You do not have to tell me that. [ his work is definitely done in secret. so many secrets, cassian often feels like that's all he's made of. ] There are some in high command who very likely do not even know all of what is done.
[ he would argue that it's mostly former champions of the republic who want to separate themselves, but he's willing to say that might be a bias. maybe. ]
Come down here. [ he did say he wanted to lay down, jyn is deciding that he is going to lay down now, with her. which isn't different from how they usually sleep; usually they're next to each other and sometimes when they wake jyn is pressed against his chest but she squirms away before cassian wakes up.
now she wants to be cuddled up to him but she doesn't now how to ask so instead she demands he lay down and then she will worm into his arms without saying anything.
[ he doesn't lay down right away. he wants to, which is another strange thought to add to his growing pile of them. ]
[ it feels like forever, but in reality it's only about thirty, forty seconds before he sighs a little, then carefully shifts himself downward on the bed until he's laying rather than sitting upright. ]
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[ he's still confused, only now it's out of how he can give someone this kind of peace. he can tell she feels it because of him. instead of dealing with that and how relieved he is by her addendum, he just rolls off the other part of her slurry happiness. ]
You are a little blurry. [ he squeezes her hand, and with it comes a rush of gratitude. she'd come back for him, and he believes it. ] Thank you.
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it feels like home. ]
Come with me tomorrow. [ have a drink, stop her from having forty two. right now she has the sleepy enthusiasm and ambition of a drunk white girl. stacy! do you wanna work out like tomorrow? do you wanna go at like six? it's five now!
tomorrow she will be hungover. ]
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[ there's probably a chill middle ground somewhere. ]
Go where? To more parties? [ at least he sounds more amused than ready to reject her. ] I think we should wait and see how you are feeling tomorrow first.
[ she's 100% going to be super hungover. ]
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[ people are at parties! it was just two stupid idiots drinking too much because they're two stupid idiots. ]
Do you like your jacket?
[ did she ask him already? she's forgotten. ]
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[ he half grins. she didn't ask directly! ] I do. It is something I would have picked out myself.
[ which also makes him feel warm? that she could know exactly what he might like. ]
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Good. [ that is what she was intending and if she was sober and quicker, she would have simply hung it up in the closet and let him find it that way and wonder if he'd bought a jacket in his sleep. sleep shopping. if she was sober she wouldn't have wanted to give it to him because she'd be uncomfortable with making a thing of it.
luckily she is drunk. ]
Will you stay with me?
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[ good thing he's still distracted by the idea of the jacket, by the way she's holding his hand, and by all the strange feelings to do anything about that just yet. ]
What - here? [ in their bed? where they usually sleep? ] Where else would I go, Jyn?
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[ this makes sense in her head but that is the only place it makes sense, somehow her brain leaped from cassian moving a whole inch to his former (current?) vocation. ]
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I am planning to stay right here, though I would like to lay down eventually. Hopefully before we sleep. Even spies need to rest sometimes.
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[ now she is being purposefully stupid. and she still doesn't move, she's very comfortable! as lean as cassian is, muscled under that scrawny frame, he has a very comfortable lap. ]
Tell me all your fake names and I'll move.
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[ there's not that many but it is a significant amount of names! some more used than others. some he forgot, some he tried to forget. ]
Can we pick a smaller number? Or is that too suspiciously a spy question?
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[ he does not move. he keeps their fingers entwined instead. ]
There was Joreth Sward. Willix. Aach. Janev. Kiran Solimar. A fulcrum. It might be easier to just write a list one day.
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I have seen the fulcrum upon which the fate of the galaxy is balanced.
[ a beat. ] Blah blah blah
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How did you learn that phrase?
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[ which is obvious now since it took being plucked out of prison for jyn to join forces with the alliance. it's clear she thinks nothing of it. ]
He used to be with Saw but he joined your rebels.
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[ it probably isn't something he should pick her brain over while she's not in her best state of mind, but he can't help it. was he really that close to her before finding her on wobani? ]
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[ she was seventeen-ish, but her brain won't do the math because she can't settle on how old she is now. ]
It was after Saw left me. He wasn't like that, you know. What you saw. He was different, stronger, whole. He was like that 'cause of me. [ broken, damaged. ]
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[ he's met many people, mostly war orphans like the two of them, who only have a vague idea about how old they are. it's not unusual. ]
[ he squeezes her hand. ] Not because of you. That is what war does to people.
[ he does have a better general idea though, given the records the alliance had of jyn with saw, even if it's not exact dates. ]
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but it's the part about saw that draws her attention back. ]
No. No. It was me. [ her free hand taps her chest to definitively illustrate that she means herself, sadness drifting through the empathy bond. sadness and grief and guilt. ] It was a set up. Someone figured out who I was and they told the Empire and they set us up. There was a bomb and Saw threw himself on top of me and...
[ cassian had seen him.
jyn remembers the hot blood drenching her clothes, saw's scream of agony as fire and metal rained down on them, the splutter of blood in his mouth every time he spoke. the man on jedha, he had become that because of her, and it seemed unfair that cassian didn't get to see him the way jyn remembered him -- strong and proud and laughing when she managed to best him.
the sorrow that pours from her is deep and tinged with the bitter longing she'd felt when he abandoned her, to protect her. it had hurt to much to see it at the time, but now she knows. and it still hurts, softened only by grief and too much more loss. ]
That was when they started calling us terrorists.
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[ he can feel her sadness so strongly that it starts making him sad, sympathy bubbling up too, but never pity. he had seen saw, he saw the injuries, heard his breathing, knew the rumors - but saw had been fighting since the clone wars, and cassian wasn't surprised to find him in such a state. ]
[ his grip on her hand is tight enough to tell her he is here and he is listening, but not tight enough to be a distraction. hopefully. ]
To me, that is still the war's doing. His decision to save you is not your fault, Jyn. The galaxy has been fighting him down since before you were born, it has created ways of life where these things happen. But what happened to Saw was not you.
[ a beat. ] I have always found it ironic that the Alliance calls the actions of a cadre like Saw's terrorism when the Empire does the same thing.
[ when some of his own work would be right up the partisan's alley. ]
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[ gotta put the blame somewhere! she doesn't need to be sober to know that! with some hilariously dramatic noises like an old lady, jyn creaks and groans her way out of his lap and slides down to lay on the bed properly. she wriggles like she wants to be under the covers but.
effort. ]
That's why Intelligence is a secret.
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[ he does not. for the hilarity of it. ]
You do not have to tell me that. [ his work is definitely done in secret. so many secrets, cassian often feels like that's all he's made of. ] There are some in high command who very likely do not even know all of what is done.
[ he would argue that it's mostly former champions of the republic who want to separate themselves, but he's willing to say that might be a bias. maybe. ]
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now she wants to be cuddled up to him but she doesn't now how to ask so instead she demands he lay down and then she will worm into his arms without saying anything.
perfect. ]
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[ he doesn't lay down right away. he wants to, which is another strange thought to add to his growing pile of them. ]
[ it feels like forever, but in reality it's only about thirty, forty seconds before he sighs a little, then carefully shifts himself downward on the bed until he's laying rather than sitting upright. ]
Is it bed time now?
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