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[evasives]

@cassian.andor | ■ ▲ ◌ ▼

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[motivation]

there's a difference?

[evasives]

Paranoia can be unreasonable. Caution is logical.

[ just... attacks himself, in defense of himself?? ]

[motivation]

[ oh boy

dutch has been trained to be sharp, to never let her guard down -- but despite that, she's found a place she could trust. two places, really. found people she trusts enough to drink with. to get drunk around. (the latter's more difficult than the former.)

she wouldn't even know where to begin putting any of that in words. wouldn't even know why it should matter, except it does. ]

and you're a logical man

[evasives]

[ he did participate in a drinking game, willingly. that's probably a good sign? not that he got particularly drunk, but he let himself join in in the safety of his own home. and it was... fun. he had fun? what a concept. ]

I try to be.

[motivation]

[ that's a good sign. drinking games as baby steps, a novel concept ]

i'm not

[evasives]

[ it was a learning experience. ]

I had to be. It does not work for everyone.

[motivation]

someone tried
not to turn me into a logical person
to turn me into something unfeeling

[ does knowing why khlyen did it make it better? make it all right? -- she goes back and forth on it. ]

[evasives]

Like those hullen you mentioned?

Or something else?

[ no one tried to turn off his feelings. cassian just did it to himself. he doesn't know if that's better or worse. ]

[motivation]

like them
to make it easier to survive the transformation
to protect me

[ this is the most she's ever talked about this to anyone not johnny or d'avin, to anyone not involved in the fight

she didn't turn off her feelings; she was broken out of them ]

[evasives]

Transformation into what?

[ he knows she said "into something unfeeling" earlier, but there are a lot of different reasons that could be deemed necessary. he has theories, but he won't ask. ]

[motivation]

[ well, fuck it
she's told him this much ]

hullen

[evasives]

[ at least he carved out his emotions himself. he can't imagine someone else doing it to him. ]

What was it supposed to protect you from?

[motivation]

dying
being killed by them

to give me better odds at killing them, too

[evasives]

[ well. it helped him, at least that's what he tells himself. but when she puts it that way, phrases it like a horror story, he wonders just how much good it actually did him in the end. ]

Someone tried to turn you into a weapon.

[motivation]

he did more than try

[ she is a weapon. she's been a weapon for almost all her life. the battles she fights these days are against other people pulling the trigger, are for her own agency. ]

[evasives]

[ isn't that what he was too? a weapon for the rebellion, albeit by his own choice? he weaponized all kinds of things about himself and lost a lot of pieces along the way. ]

And what about now? Do you still think of yourself that way?

[motivation]

i know what i am

[ that's a yes. he lost pieces of himself along the way, dutch was forcefully stripped of them. in the end, it makes little difference, does it? ]

[evasives]

[ not a direct answer, but he can read between the lines. what's left, after all that? dutch says she knows what she is, but cassian isn't sure about himself anymore. what's a weapon without a war? ]

Do you ever want to change that?

[motivation]

sometimes

[ johnny taught her that there's more to life than death and cold calculations, that she can be warm and have a family and people she cares for. that being a weapon can mean protecting those she cares for, too ]

mostly i want to change who pulls my strings
i hate being manipulated

[evasives]

I am not sure there are very many strings here.

But you can still cut them once you know they exist.

[motivation]

there's always strings
someone brought us here, someone's keeping us here

[ she's so sick and tired of being manipulated ]

[evasives]

Then we find those strings.

That is what I am after. If I am going to stay here, I do not want to be manipulated either.

[motivation]

deal

[evasives]

We have to use our skills for something.

[motivation]

you never told me all of yours

[ but then, she never told him hers, either. and still, she knows that they're alike. not all the ways in which they are, but that they are. ]