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[evasives]

// candor

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XIMILIA

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text — un: kestrel

[realists]

[ a week or more into the mission: ]

I need your help with my personal goal

[ brb she has to throw up over asking for help, gross. ]

[evasives]

[ well. that's somewhat unexpected. he doesn't want to agree immediately but he thinks it'll be hard to say no, for the most part. ]

What is the goal?

[realists]

To let someone make all my decisions for me for a day

[ so, you know, torture. ]

[evasives]

[ it sounds like literal torture to him too, and he is baffled she would trust him to it, even knowing they are the only people each other really know at this point. ]

And you want me to do that for you?

[realists]

I'm not going to ask anyone else

[evasives]

I know.

I can do it.

[realists]

Thanks

Shampoo and conditioner or just shampoo?

[ it starts now, in the shower. ]

[evasives]

Both.

Your hair probably needs a good cleaning.

[realists]

[ fair enough.

a good 40 minutes later, the next decision comes: ]

Lunch?

[evasives]

Soup?

[ wait he has to make the choice. ]

A chicken soup, from Patty's Diner.

[realists]

[ chicken soup, intriguing. jyn doesn't ask him what to wear because that isn't a decision: trousers, boots, shirt, sweater, fraying scarf she found in a lost and found bin. she wears the same thing every day. ]

You want me to bring you a cup as well?

[evasives]

[ he has already looked into what a chicken is, and it seems a fairly innocuous and versatile poultry. the soup's a big hitter this time of the year, evidently. ]

Yes. I want to try some.

a present —

[realists]

[ it's not wrapped, but she stole a bow and slapped it on the box that contained their original belongings and set it on cassian's bed while he was in the shower.

inside is a note that reads—

gifts are a thing on that dirt planet

inside are a number of matching pairs of socks, new!, and a deliciously fluffy pair in dark blue that jyn doesn't think he will wear outside of this room.

jyn sits on her (mostly unused now) bed, reading, and studiously ignoring the box. ]

action —

[realists]

[ despite having done the healing herself, jyn doesn't trust it and immediately upon settling back into their room after making sure sabriel is looked after, she makes cassian take his trousers off so she can inspect the wound. it's fine, nary a scar, but her mind helpfully supplies blood and burned edges and embedded sand anyway. her nightmares, intermittent things usually, come nightly the following few days.

she knows cassian is trying to distract her when he suggests they spend a couple of days camping outside of town, away from all the people and the noise, away from the flickering torch and lamplights. it's beautiful in the meadow, shaded under a copse of trees heavy with sweet smelling flowers and draping vines, the buzz of wild bees. they'd seen a herd of wild ponies as the sun was setting, a distraction from a sight that bring neither of them comfort anymore. lightning bugs had flashed and flickered around the low burning fire as cassian made dinner and jyn diligently mended the tears in his trousers from the claws. cassian had said nothing then but she felt his eyes on her every time her gaze flickered to his unblemished and uninjured leg.

now, fire nothing but embers and the sky so thick with stars that it feels like a physical weight, a literal blanket, jyn's fingers trace across the line where his injury used to be, the exact shape and length of it because she can't force herself to forget. she doesn't even realise what she is doing until cassian's hand covers hers and she tears her eyes from the stars to look at him. ]

Hm?

[evasives]

[ he should have a scar, maybe not one that matches the jagged one down his spine, but the magic healing of this world sees to that, but he wouldn't be surprised if jyn's determination had gone above and beyond too. he lets her check him over, for her sake as well as his own, with a lingering distrust of magic, despite it being jyn's. ]

[ perhaps the camping distraction is for himself too, but it's mostly jyn. watching her, he can see the worry constantly flickering over her face, and bringing her into nature where she seems to thrive feels like the best course of action. ]

[ still she watches him, gaze flickering to the injuries that don't exist, and cassian knows it's born of more than just the caverns, but it's incessant in a way he isn't used to being looked after. as they lay down to sleep, at first he doesn't notice what she's doing, he's become so used to her idle touches. but the pattern moves so repeatedly he thinks she might just carve the wound anew. without thinking, he reaches out to cover her hand with his own. ]

There is nothing there, Jyn. [ he says it gently. ]

[realists]

[ his eyes are so dark they almost reflect the starlight hanging over them. ]

I know. [ even with his hand covering hers, wide palm warm and steady, she can't stop the compulsion to swipe her thumb in the same line across the scar that isn't.

what if they get back to the station and her borrowed magic gives up the ghost and the blood spills free and she can't do anything this time? they were never meant to have this time or this space but now she has it and it's terrifying because she knows what she could lose this time. not a maybe, not a possibility, not an almost, it's a reality. an unsteady belonging because neither of them knows how to let themselves have... anything. not yet, at least.

but she doesn't want to lose the chance to get there. ]

[evasives]

[ cassian entwines their hands, half to stop her from repeating the motion again, half to hold the warmness of her fingers in his, reassuring himself that they're no longer stone. he worries too, of course he does, but it manifests in a smaller way than jyn's, like he doesn't really know how to let it out. not sure if it's allowed. ]

[ he shifts, to get a better look at her directly and pulling their hands up between them. her face carries the concern of beyond the caverns. ]

You healed it. It is as clear as your hand is flesh and bone again.

[realists]

[ her scoff is dismissive. clearly her own injuries mean nothing at all, just a little stone. she would do it again. ]

I'm not a healer, this wasn't first aid.

[ she would trust that! saw made sure she knew how to fix injuries because he made sure she knew how to cause injuries. his thigh... cassian could have bled out just as easily as sabriel and it still feels like her hands are sticky and wet with hot blood.

they could barely help sabriel and jyn knows very well she would have let sabriel die to heal cassian and still she doesn't trust it. healing is an ability that should be saved for people less selfish than jyn. ]

[evasives]

[ he has plenty of his own skepticism about magic, a deep distrust of the force and jedi and all it entails, but the longer they spend here, the more he's able to disconnect the force from this world's natural state of ability and power. from a practical standpoint he does not want to be injured, and he isn't, so he can accept it just because he wouldn't want to acknowledge it anyway. ]

It was healing of some kind. I am not hurt. I do not feel any pain from it.

[ he squeezes her hand, to make a show of how malleable her fingers are. that's what he tells himself, at least. ]

It does not have to make sense but I need you to trust me that my leg is now fine, because of you.

[realists]

It's not you I don't trust.

[ he says he is fine and she will accept that, she can't seem to accept that it will last. ]

I don't— [ the words tangle on her tongue, stuck behind her teeth and she swallows like it is a physical block, lips pinching into a line as she fights for the ability to admit a weakness and not immediately implode in of herself like a starship in a black hole. ]

I hate seeing you hurt.

[evasives]

[ his face falls but softens as once, caught off guard by the admittance while simultaneously understanding to an extent where it's coming from. i hate seeing you hurt is not something cassian hears much, if at all, and he doesn't quite know what to do with it, despite knowing that coming from jyn it's utterly true. ]

[ he squeezes her hand again, then covers it with his other one too, enveloping her concern like he can cage it and save it for when he might need it for real. but maybe that's not how concern is supposed to work. the thought of being stuck with jyn's concern isn't as uncomfortable as expected. ]

My track record probably does not look so great to you. [ it's as much of a joke as it is a bit of self-deprecation. ] I cannot promise it will not happen again but... it seems less likely as long as you have my back.

[ it surprises him too how true that feels. ]

[realists]

[ she had his back on scarif and she still wakes up from nightmares of the symphony of his bones crunching and cracking as he fell down the data tower. she doesn't have as much faith in herself as cassian does.

her mouth stays set in an uncomfortable moue, even with cassian's warm hands around hers. ]

I hate this place. [ she doesn't want magic! she wants to feel comfortable in her skin again. ]

[evasives]

[ cassian still doesn't let go of her hand. he can tell she doesn't believe him, but he isn't sure how to persuade her otherwise when her inability to believe he'll be okay doesn't seem to be currently based on the tangible. ]

It is not permanent. [ he frowns, though it's more a thoughtful thing than upset. ] At least you have your normal ears.

[ he doesn't mind it so much; he'd picked elf just to see it happen in real time, but maybe he can make something light of it against jyn's troubles. ]

[realists]

[ it works, softening jyn's dour expression. she doesn't want to let go of his hand but she wants her hand free, which is easy enough to rectify by swapping hands. she draws her hand free, but keeps hold of cassian's hand so she can tangle the fingers of her other hand with his.

she reaches up, tracing her fingers along the shell of his ear. ]

They're cute.

[ his ears, his little pointy ears. ]

[evasives]

[ he isn't expecting her to simply swap out hands to keep holding his, which is how he manages to miss where her fingers go, and he starts at her touch on his ear. ]

[ and then he wrinkles his nose. ]

It felt like the least obtrusive change. [ it's weird to be touched, but he has no desire to tell her to stop either. ]