Yeah, because I love you. [ ah there it is, leaning in to kiss him again. maybe it will just come easier every time she says it, like kissing him came easier every time she did it. her case is made for immersive education. next up: fest. ]
I will. [ deep breath, nose wrinkling. ] I will talk about my feelings. Over waffles.
[ LOOK THAT IS A BIG STEP. especially because she didn't run away to finn to figure it out first. look at her, figuring out her relationship with the person she's actually in a relationship with instead of a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter. ]
[his smile turns a little stupid again and less reserved when she repeats it, doubly so when she punctuates it with a kiss. he returns it easily, always. she loves him. jyn erso loves him. cassian andor is loved by someone. how amazing and terrifying, but mostly amazing.]
[despite the (adorable) nose wrinkle, she's still promising him to talk and it puts him at a brand new level of peace. it's a very big step! he's so proud of her!]
Thank you. [force he really wants to figure this out. he wants to be happy with her. he squeezes her hands again.] We can grow them back together.
[ something they have to tend and take care of and help grow, it makes her smile a little but then her mouth slants into a frown. ]
Do you forgive me? For making you feel like you haven't always been exactly enough for me? You're the greatest thing in the galaxy but I never told you.
Like a garden. [he repeats it because there's something soft about it that's so unlike either of them but it feels fitting anyway.] Our own garden, just for us. [a personalized feelings garden that no one else is allowed to see. they can water it when necessary and plant all kinds of flowers.] We are just sorting through the weeds along the way.
[she frowns, and he does too. he lets go of one hand, so he can cup her cheek.]
I do. [it's instant forgiveness, because they were both being disasters. he's not sure he believes her that he's the greatest thing in the galaxy, but it's a nice warm thought anyway.] I should not have waited until now to bring it up either and made it worse for myself. It was disingenuous to pretend I was fine, and I don't like that with sex. I don't like that with you.
To be perfectly fair, I don't think I sort of foster a community of open conversation. You can't really be blamed for not wanting to bring it up.
[ with her. because she'd already said multiple times on multiple occasions that she'd rather jump out an airlock than confront her own feelings so it tracks that he would be hesitant to confront his feelings with her. ]
It's not your fault I make this difficult.
[ almost nervously: ] You did like it though. Right?
[she is...not wrong, but it doesn't mean he wants to admit that to her! it was hard for him to bring up how he was feeling, too cautious about making her want to run away again. but he should have done it before they slept together, probably.]
It is not easy for either of us. [that much is definitely true.]
[he traces his thumb over her cheek.] I did. You made me feel very happy and very good. I hope it was good for you too.
[he pauses.] I am sorry I did not really tell you what I wanted or liked either. [he realizes she may have been worrying about that, especially since it was wrapped up in his inability to acknowledge Any Feelings.] I am not... used to that. To talking about what I want, to being asked. I don't know how to ask.
But I want to be able to tell you. It's something else we can work on.
[ she chews on her lip because it was easier to blurt that out when he was inside her, in the heat of the moment. she's not shy about sex but she's still all jelly-limbed and warm from earlier. ]
Okay. Good, I am glad. [because jyn's enjoyment was his priority yolo.]
[he freezes, put on the spot again!! only this time he can't distract her with kisses. he just... stares at her for a few seconds because he still doesn't know how to answer it!]
I need to work on that, remember? All I can think of wanting is just... you.
[ how is he meant to work on it if she doesn't keep asking! she reaches between them to tiptoe her fingers up his chest, glancing away from his face to watch the progress of her hands through the fine, coarse hair across his chest. ]
Immersive learning. How do you want me, Cassian?
[ if it's too much, too soon she expects him to tell her. ]
[he swallows, his own eyes dropping down to her fingers moving over his chest. he wants to answer her. he wants to figure out how to answer her, at least. there are probably a million ways he might want her, but trying to think about it in the context of his wants over making sure she's okay is Difficult.]
I don't know if I can do this now too. [he sounds apologetic. but he did just kind of... completely fall apart on her. he feels much more settled now that they've talked about Feelings but he's still kind of swimming in emotional drainage, he hasn't even begun processing how he might want her.]
I want you in a lot of ways, but I don't know how to... tell you. It does not feel like I should.
[he covers her hand with his own, keeping her there.]
You can ask me again next time. You should. Maybe even ask me tomorrow. Maybe the more you ask me, the more it will feel normal. I want us both to keep figuring this out, together.
[she doesn't know what she likes, he doesn't know how to bring it up. but... if they could figure out how to say i love you, sex can't be that hard.]
Together sounds good. [ tomorrow sounds good, next time, more, it's going to keep happening because they're going to keep happening. which is a nice thought, one that makes her feel warm inside. ]
Yeah. I do. [watching a movie feels so normal for them, he kind of wants to just sit with her and do something normal. relax with a movie, maybe some cuddling. they have tomorrow. they have time after that too.]
[he gives her a tiny smile.] We should clean ourselves up first though.
[and maybe put some clothes back on, he supposes.]
[ her free hand reaches up to ruffle his mussed up hair. ] I kind of like how you look now. All tired and messy and soft. [ her fingers trail down to brush against his collarbone, coasting over a mark left behind by her teeth. ]
[he didn't think he could be soft, but jyn is proving to him otherwise. he smiles at her, and even that is soft. he's much much more at ease now than he was immediately after, and it let's him take in the sight of her much more appreciatively. he cradles her cheek and just looks at her, completely enamored.] You wore me out.
We can always just lounge in our underwear. Our apartment, our rules. Even if I could look at you like this all day.
[ she might need new underwear, jyn assumes, glancing idly and their clothes thrown across the couch and floor, one leg of cassian's sweats on the coffee table. ]
That sounds good. The underwear part, you'll have to get your lookin' in now because I've got to pee.
[ so he is on a time crunch for staring at her. ]
When did you know? You know, that you love me.
[ he loves her. it's still bonkers and frankly at this point she isn't sure she will ever be over it. presumably one day it will be as natural and second nature as anything but right now it's a marvel she still can't quite understand. ]
[he lets his hand drop from her cheek to her neck, running his thumb over one of his own marks. her skin is so pale, it's a lot more noticeable than he thought it would be. good thing she likes to wear scarves.]
There is always time to look, no matter what you are wearing.
[he sighs a little. he remembers the exact moment he realized he was in love with her, even if he can't pinpoint when his feelings became love in the first place.]
You are going to laugh at me. [he takes her hand with his free one, lightly winding their fingers together.] It was the day that Jim asked you out on a date.
[ jyn's mouth opens in confusion. he was so cross that day, he'd been grumpy even after jim left. jyn had always chalked it up to, well, ]
I thought you liked Jim and that's why you were cross. [ she makes a face. ] Wow, I was really off, wasn't I? I even told Poe. Oh, he's going to be so smug.
[he huffs out a laugh. wow, they are both super dumb.]
I did not like the idea of you going on a date with Jim, or anyone else. It made no sense, until I realized why. I was cross because I thought you liked him.
[even though she said straight out it was just for the free food. it still kickstarted his brain into realizing he was stupidly, ridiculously in love with her.]
[ she squeezes his hand, leaning in a little to give him a soft kiss. they're idiots, for sure. emotionally constipated morons who have the worst conversation skills and suck at everything. ]
I was. [admits it with a sigh. he eagerly accepts her kiss though. he's starved for affection.]
Even if it was not Jim. It could have been anyone. It did not occur to me that you might feel the same as I did, which I think upset me even more. [he wouldn't have stopped her, just died inside, it's fine.]
[ and that was it. that was when she knew she was in love with him and their life together. such a simple, commonplace event but he'd gone out of his way to protect her favorite blanket and it hit her in a rush.
[saving her blanket hadn't even been a real thought. he just... did it. so much about them is instinctual, maybe that's what made it so hard to realize what was happening. it felt normal, not necessarily special.]
[he smiles at her, almost shyly.]
You love that blanket. [so duh, of course he saved it.]
[but she loves him. that's still the greater takeaway here.]
[ jyn didn't have anything growing up except her mother's crystal and eventually the beautiful purple scarf from saw and she clung to both of them fiercely. saw's scarf was lost, but her mother's crystal remained and jyn made sacrifices to keep it.
here she finally has things and she is meticulous about their care -- clothing aside -- and hanging on to them. her blanket, the rug, their pillows, the pictures that have become just as precious to her. and cassian made sure to protect her blanket when she couldn't. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I will. [ deep breath, nose wrinkling. ] I will talk about my feelings. Over waffles.
[ LOOK THAT IS A BIG STEP. especially because she didn't run away to finn to figure it out first. look at her, figuring out her relationship with the person she's actually in a relationship with instead of a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter. ]
no subject
[despite the (adorable) nose wrinkle, she's still promising him to talk and it puts him at a brand new level of peace. it's a very big step! he's so proud of her!]
Thank you. [force he really wants to figure this out. he wants to be happy with her. he squeezes her hands again.] We can grow them back together.
no subject
[ something they have to tend and take care of and help grow, it makes her smile a little but then her mouth slants into a frown. ]
Do you forgive me? For making you feel like you haven't always been exactly enough for me? You're the greatest thing in the galaxy but I never told you.
no subject
[she frowns, and he does too. he lets go of one hand, so he can cup her cheek.]
I do. [it's instant forgiveness, because they were both being disasters. he's not sure he believes her that he's the greatest thing in the galaxy, but it's a nice warm thought anyway.] I should not have waited until now to bring it up either and made it worse for myself. It was disingenuous to pretend I was fine, and I don't like that with sex. I don't like that with you.
[honesty! the honesty house.]
no subject
[ with her. because she'd already said multiple times on multiple occasions that she'd rather jump out an airlock than confront her own feelings so it tracks that he would be hesitant to confront his feelings with her. ]
It's not your fault I make this difficult.
[ almost nervously: ] You did like it though. Right?
no subject
It is not easy for either of us. [that much is definitely true.]
[he traces his thumb over her cheek.] I did. You made me feel very happy and very good. I hope it was good for you too.
[he pauses.] I am sorry I did not really tell you what I wanted or liked either. [he realizes she may have been worrying about that, especially since it was wrapped up in his inability to acknowledge Any Feelings.] I am not... used to that. To talking about what I want, to being asked. I don't know how to ask.
But I want to be able to tell you. It's something else we can work on.
no subject
[ she chews on her lip because it was easier to blurt that out when he was inside her, in the heat of the moment. she's not shy about sex but she's still all jelly-limbed and warm from earlier. ]
Alright, so tell me. What do you want?
no subject
[he freezes, put on the spot again!! only this time he can't distract her with kisses. he just... stares at her for a few seconds because he still doesn't know how to answer it!]
I need to work on that, remember? All I can think of wanting is just... you.
no subject
Immersive learning. How do you want me, Cassian?
[ if it's too much, too soon she expects him to tell her. ]
no subject
I don't know if I can do this now too. [he sounds apologetic. but he did just kind of... completely fall apart on her. he feels much more settled now that they've talked about Feelings but he's still kind of swimming in emotional drainage, he hasn't even begun processing how he might want her.]
I want you in a lot of ways, but I don't know how to... tell you. It does not feel like I should.
no subject
[ two fingers still against his heart. ]
I can wait. We have time to figure it all out.
no subject
[he covers her hand with his own, keeping her there.]
You can ask me again next time. You should. Maybe even ask me tomorrow. Maybe the more you ask me, the more it will feel normal. I want us both to keep figuring this out, together.
[she doesn't know what she likes, he doesn't know how to bring it up. but... if they could figure out how to say i love you, sex can't be that hard.]
no subject
[ that sounds good to her, fair and smart. ]
Together sounds good. [ tomorrow sounds good, next time, more, it's going to keep happening because they're going to keep happening. which is a nice thought, one that makes her feel warm inside. ]
Do you want to watch a film?
no subject
[he gives her a tiny smile.] We should clean ourselves up first though.
[and maybe put some clothes back on, he supposes.]
no subject
[ her free hand reaches up to ruffle his mussed up hair. ] I kind of like how you look now. All tired and messy and soft. [ her fingers trail down to brush against his collarbone, coasting over a mark left behind by her teeth. ]
I guess we should put pants on. If we must.
no subject
We can always just lounge in our underwear. Our apartment, our rules. Even if I could look at you like this all day.
no subject
That sounds good. The underwear part, you'll have to get your lookin' in now because I've got to pee.
[ so he is on a time crunch for staring at her. ]
When did you know? You know, that you love me.
[ he loves her. it's still bonkers and frankly at this point she isn't sure she will ever be over it. presumably one day it will be as natural and second nature as anything but right now it's a marvel she still can't quite understand. ]
no subject
There is always time to look, no matter what you are wearing.
[he sighs a little. he remembers the exact moment he realized he was in love with her, even if he can't pinpoint when his feelings became love in the first place.]
You are going to laugh at me. [he takes her hand with his free one, lightly winding their fingers together.] It was the day that Jim asked you out on a date.
no subject
I thought you liked Jim and that's why you were cross. [ she makes a face. ] Wow, I was really off, wasn't I? I even told Poe. Oh, he's going to be so smug.
[ right now she doesn't even care. ]
no subject
I did not like the idea of you going on a date with Jim, or anyone else. It made no sense, until I realized why. I was cross because I thought you liked him.
[even though she said straight out it was just for the free food. it still kickstarted his brain into realizing he was stupidly, ridiculously in love with her.]
no subject
[ she squeezes his hand, leaning in a little to give him a soft kiss. they're idiots, for sure. emotionally constipated morons who have the worst conversation skills and suck at everything. ]
I like food, not James Kirk.
no subject
Even if it was not Jim. It could have been anyone. It did not occur to me that you might feel the same as I did, which I think upset me even more. [he wouldn't have stopped her, just died inside, it's fine.]
When did you know?
no subject
[ and that was it. that was when she knew she was in love with him and their life together. such a simple, commonplace event but he'd gone out of his way to protect her favorite blanket and it hit her in a rush.
her shoulders lift in a shrug. ]
That was when I knew.
no subject
[he smiles at her, almost shyly.]
You love that blanket. [so duh, of course he saved it.]
[but she loves him. that's still the greater takeaway here.]
no subject
[ jyn didn't have anything growing up except her mother's crystal and eventually the beautiful purple scarf from saw and she clung to both of them fiercely. saw's scarf was lost, but her mother's crystal remained and jyn made sacrifices to keep it.
here she finally has things and she is meticulous about their care -- clothing aside -- and hanging on to them. her blanket, the rug, their pillows, the pictures that have become just as precious to her. and cassian made sure to protect her blanket when she couldn't. ]
No one's ever cared about me the way you do.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)