[ he tilts his head, looking down at her. ] And it was not... strange? [ of course it was strange, but she doesn't seem bothered by speaking about it. it hadn't even occurred to him to worry about her sharing his death too, because no matter how much jyn comes to know about him, cassian still trusts her. ]
I have not told anyone. I am not sure I even know how.
[ it was probably easier with marcos because they don't know each other. she doesn't see him every day, they're friends in a very broad sense. which is maybe what jyn needs, friends that don't need her because she is unreliable.
jyn wriggles and shifts around until she can use cassian's lap as a pillow. ]
[ she is talking about being dead, but she is also now... in his lap. he blinks down at her and does his absolute best to avoid looking confused. where do his hands go now???? maybe he just... won't say anything about that. ]
No, I agree. Having someone we see virtually every day know sounds difficult.
[ he came close when he was talking about the rebellion, he thought about it, but it didn't feel right to leverage their deaths that way, especially knowing there would be follow up concern and questions. ]
[ good, they're in agreement to keep lying to their roommates. sounds good. not at all a bad idea. it isn't that jyn doesn't want daisy to know, she doesn't want to deal with daisy knowing. she already knows they were forgotten rebels in a war that someone else won for them. she doesn't need to know why they didn't keep fighting. ]
How did you come back for me, at the Citadel?
[ her drunk fuzzy brain doesn't think to segue into this new topic either, just bouncing along like a broken starship in a hyperspace lane. ]
[ roommates feel like the worst option to talk about being dead with, simply because you can't even go home to avoid further conversation. they're just in the next room. ]
[ he's not surprised by the sudden shift, jyn is very good at that, but maybe he is a little surprised by the question. he gets a bizarre urge to run his hand through her hair, but staves it off. ]
There was an elevator, once I managed to get out of the vault. [ how he got out of the vault is honestly kind of fuzzy; he just remembers doing his absolute damnest to push through the fact that his back was on fire, and he probably damaged it even more with all the movement but - but he had to get up to her. ] I just went up and hoped you would be there.
[ that makes sense and jyn feels like she should have known that but it's still a surprise. she'd thought... he'd followed her, which is absolutely absurd considering she barely made it up there uninjured. there is no way cassian could have followed the same path. ]
[ he did always come back for her, even if he can't explain why. it was like that since jedha, each time he chose to go find her again instead of carrying on. a constant pull towards jyn he never stopped to examine. still hasn't. ]
You would do the same for me. I hope. When I realized I could get out of the vault, I had to try.
[ at least at first. on jedha, on eadu. she would have left him to save herself. at least on jedha. probably on jedha. she thinks she would have left cassian, but she felt the same gravity tugging them together, even if she didn't really know what it was.
she'd always thought he was a better person than her, now she knows. ]
I'm glad you came.
[ it was the last thing she said to him, before the blinding, searing light of the death star enveloped them and burned away any other sentiment that might have passed between them if they had the time.
[ he doesn't stiffen, but it does give him pause. maybe he hoped wrong? was he getting ahead of himself with how he and jyn are? ]
[ no, it makes sense. no one is supposed to come back for him. that's why he kept a lullaby. there's no reason for the thought to make him sad. it's just a fact. ]
[ she repeats what she'd told him right before the end, and he closes his eyes. it's heartening against everything else, because he doesn't regret it. it feels almost like a rewind and reset, only she's drunk and he's confused again. there's an after now. ]
[ jyn hmms a noise, more to herself than anything, sounding satisfied with cassian's answer. still with her head in his lap, jyn's hand pats around the sheets until she finds his hand and curls her fingers around his. ]
I'd come back for you now. Don't make it too hard for me, I'm very blurry. Drunk. You're blurry.
[ she is considerably drunk still, it's true, but the emotions that slip through the empathy bond are clear and bright and not nearly as muddied as they can be when she tries to verbalize him. jyn is content, feeling at peace again with cassian. ]
[ he wants to pull his hand away because he doesn't want her to know what he's feeling, but her grip is surprisingly tight, and maybe that sense of calm he gets from her washes over him enough to keep him holding on too. ]
[ he's still confused, only now it's out of how he can give someone this kind of peace. he can tell she feels it because of him. instead of dealing with that and how relieved he is by her addendum, he just rolls off the other part of her slurry happiness. ]
You are a little blurry. [ he squeezes her hand, and with it comes a rush of gratitude. she'd come back for him, and he believes it. ] Thank you.
[ the longer jyn holds on, the warmer the feeling gets. she doesn't know how to name it, she honestly can't feel it as an emotion, it has settled into her bones now like it was burned there on the beach.
it feels like home. ]
Come with me tomorrow. [ have a drink, stop her from having forty two. right now she has the sleepy enthusiasm and ambition of a drunk white girl. stacy! do you wanna work out like tomorrow? do you wanna go at like six? it's five now!
[ everything gets warmer and warmer each passing second, and cassian still feels like he should pull away. it's scary and he shouldn't be allowed to get cozy with this sort of comfort, but he also wants to throw himself in the pool and drown in it. it feels like he's chasing something he lost so long ago. ]
[ there's probably a chill middle ground somewhere. ]
Go where? To more parties? [ at least he sounds more amused than ready to reject her. ] I think we should wait and see how you are feeling tomorrow first.
Festivities then. [ it seems like the whole town is turning into a party, but jyn would be the person to find the fun with the least amount of people. ]
[ he half grins. she didn't ask directly! ] I do. It is something I would have picked out myself.
[ which also makes him feel warm? that she could know exactly what he might like. ]
[ another hum, sounding sleepier but not looking like she is going to move from her spot any time soon. he might find himself with a lap full of sleeping jyn. ]
Good. [ that is what she was intending and if she was sober and quicker, she would have simply hung it up in the closet and let him find it that way and wonder if he'd bought a jacket in his sleep. sleep shopping. if she was sober she wouldn't have wanted to give it to him because she'd be uncomfortable with making a thing of it.
[ he can't sleep like this! that's a lie, cassian can sleep almost anywhere, but it doesn't mean he wants to. ]
[ good thing he's still distracted by the idea of the jacket, by the way she's holding his hand, and by all the strange feelings to do anything about that just yet. ]
What - here? [ in their bed? where they usually sleep? ] Where else would I go, Jyn?
[ this makes sense in her head but that is the only place it makes sense, somehow her brain leaped from cassian moving a whole inch to his former (current?) vocation. ]
[ now she is being purposefully stupid. and she still doesn't move, she's very comfortable! as lean as cassian is, muscled under that scrawny frame, he has a very comfortable lap. ]
All of them, [ jyn reiterates firmly. she is not generally demanding, too used to having nothing to insist on anything. but she wants this. she wants to know this, one of cassian's many secrets. ]
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I have not told anyone. I am not sure I even know how.
[ beyond just... telling anyone he's head. talking about himself. ]
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[ it was probably easier with marcos because they don't know each other. she doesn't see him every day, they're friends in a very broad sense. which is maybe what jyn needs, friends that don't need her because she is unreliable.
jyn wriggles and shifts around until she can use cassian's lap as a pillow. ]
I don't think I could tell Daisy.
[ not to her face, at least. ]
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No, I agree. Having someone we see virtually every day know sounds difficult.
[ he came close when he was talking about the rebellion, he thought about it, but it didn't feel right to leverage their deaths that way, especially knowing there would be follow up concern and questions. ]
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How did you come back for me, at the Citadel?
[ her drunk fuzzy brain doesn't think to segue into this new topic either, just bouncing along like a broken starship in a hyperspace lane. ]
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[ he's not surprised by the sudden shift, jyn is very good at that, but maybe he is a little surprised by the question. he gets a bizarre urge to run his hand through her hair, but staves it off. ]
There was an elevator, once I managed to get out of the vault. [ how he got out of the vault is honestly kind of fuzzy; he just remembers doing his absolute damnest to push through the fact that his back was on fire, and he probably damaged it even more with all the movement but - but he had to get up to her. ] I just went up and hoped you would be there.
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[ that makes sense and jyn feels like she should have known that but it's still a surprise. she'd thought... he'd followed her, which is absolutely absurd considering she barely made it up there uninjured. there is no way cassian could have followed the same path. ]
You always came back for me.
[ three times is an always. ]
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You would do the same for me. I hope. When I realized I could get out of the vault, I had to try.
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[ at least at first. on jedha, on eadu. she would have left him to save herself. at least on jedha. probably on jedha. she thinks she would have left cassian, but she felt the same gravity tugging them together, even if she didn't really know what it was.
she'd always thought he was a better person than her, now she knows. ]
I'm glad you came.
[ it was the last thing she said to him, before the blinding, searing light of the death star enveloped them and burned away any other sentiment that might have passed between them if they had the time.
it hasn't changed. ]
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[ no, it makes sense. no one is supposed to come back for him. that's why he kept a lullaby. there's no reason for the thought to make him sad. it's just a fact. ]
[ she repeats what she'd told him right before the end, and he closes his eyes. it's heartening against everything else, because he doesn't regret it. it feels almost like a rewind and reset, only she's drunk and he's confused again. there's an after now. ]
Me too. [ that much remains too. ]
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I'd come back for you now. Don't make it too hard for me, I'm very blurry. Drunk. You're blurry.
[ she is considerably drunk still, it's true, but the emotions that slip through the empathy bond are clear and bright and not nearly as muddied as they can be when she tries to verbalize him. jyn is content, feeling at peace again with cassian. ]
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[ he's still confused, only now it's out of how he can give someone this kind of peace. he can tell she feels it because of him. instead of dealing with that and how relieved he is by her addendum, he just rolls off the other part of her slurry happiness. ]
You are a little blurry. [ he squeezes her hand, and with it comes a rush of gratitude. she'd come back for him, and he believes it. ] Thank you.
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it feels like home. ]
Come with me tomorrow. [ have a drink, stop her from having forty two. right now she has the sleepy enthusiasm and ambition of a drunk white girl. stacy! do you wanna work out like tomorrow? do you wanna go at like six? it's five now!
tomorrow she will be hungover. ]
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[ there's probably a chill middle ground somewhere. ]
Go where? To more parties? [ at least he sounds more amused than ready to reject her. ] I think we should wait and see how you are feeling tomorrow first.
[ she's 100% going to be super hungover. ]
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[ people are at parties! it was just two stupid idiots drinking too much because they're two stupid idiots. ]
Do you like your jacket?
[ did she ask him already? she's forgotten. ]
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[ he half grins. she didn't ask directly! ] I do. It is something I would have picked out myself.
[ which also makes him feel warm? that she could know exactly what he might like. ]
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Good. [ that is what she was intending and if she was sober and quicker, she would have simply hung it up in the closet and let him find it that way and wonder if he'd bought a jacket in his sleep. sleep shopping. if she was sober she wouldn't have wanted to give it to him because she'd be uncomfortable with making a thing of it.
luckily she is drunk. ]
Will you stay with me?
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[ good thing he's still distracted by the idea of the jacket, by the way she's holding his hand, and by all the strange feelings to do anything about that just yet. ]
What - here? [ in their bed? where they usually sleep? ] Where else would I go, Jyn?
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[ this makes sense in her head but that is the only place it makes sense, somehow her brain leaped from cassian moving a whole inch to his former (current?) vocation. ]
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I am planning to stay right here, though I would like to lay down eventually. Hopefully before we sleep. Even spies need to rest sometimes.
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[ now she is being purposefully stupid. and she still doesn't move, she's very comfortable! as lean as cassian is, muscled under that scrawny frame, he has a very comfortable lap. ]
Tell me all your fake names and I'll move.
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[ there's not that many but it is a significant amount of names! some more used than others. some he forgot, some he tried to forget. ]
Can we pick a smaller number? Or is that too suspiciously a spy question?
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[ he does not move. he keeps their fingers entwined instead. ]
There was Joreth Sward. Willix. Aach. Janev. Kiran Solimar. A fulcrum. It might be easier to just write a list one day.
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I have seen the fulcrum upon which the fate of the galaxy is balanced.
[ a beat. ] Blah blah blah
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How did you learn that phrase?
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