I thought if I could make my feelings small I wouldn't be hurt by them, but instead they died and... it's hard, growing them back.
[ she is a good gardener when it is soil and water and bright green leaves her dirty hands are coaxing to life, but when it comes to herself... she'd thought, honestly, that she had lost the ability to feel, that she had tucked emotion so far back in her mind that she forgot it was there until everything that happened after she'd been broken out of prison had blown up the door in her mind and everything exploded.
she's been careful to keep her grieve contained, tucked away again, but it's been harder to control all of her other emotions, harder to make them easier to deal with. ]
I don't want to ignore them either but it's-- I don't-- Force, I love you, Andor.
[ her head snaps up, expression as startled as a paralope in headlights. did she just say that. ]
[he wants to address her stunted emotions alongside his own, but he's still coming down from his panic attack, and apparently she loves him.]
[i love you andor.]
[he sort of just stares at her like he can't comprehend the words. people don't love him. they haven't for years. he hasn't heard anyone say it since he was six years old. cassian andor is unlovable, it's what he always believed.]
[despite everything - literally everything about how they are, how they speak to each other, how much he would do for her and vise versa, how much he loves her too - cassian is still completely surprised by the admission.]
[he squeezes her hands, lest she think he was having a negative reaction.]
You... do?
[his voice is quiet, surprised, and maybe a little bit hopeful; he's still processing this information, but it's still so baffling to him that he needs to confirm it.]
[ she was hoping that he would have said something first so she could just jump on the bandwagon after him and she had no intention of saying it now -- what if he panics more!! -- but it slipped out and now it's out and she can't put it back.
her lips purse slightly, that defiant look sliding across her expression again like she is afraid it will be used against her and she can preemptively bristle up in defense, her own chest feeling tight with nerves. ]
I'd thought you'd know.
[ without her having to tell him, that he would just know. ]
[even though she looks cross and ready 2 throw down, cassian still just looks like he's processing. downloading emotions.exe.]
[more than anything. it does not seem possible to him, that he could be loved like that. he never sought love and he never thought he deserved it.]
I don't know what it looks like. I didn't - [he and jyn were clearly not so normal, but cassian has never lived normally anyway. it took him ages to realize he was in love with her, partially because he didn't know what it was. he didn't know what it was like.]
People are stupid and so are you. [ maybe being a jerk is not the right way to go but here they are. ]
You single-handedly convinced all of those men to come with us to Scarif. Do you think they would have done that for me? Or Bodhi? Or Baze or Chirrut? No. They did it because they trusted you and they believed in you and they loved you. K2 loved you, and not because you programmed loyalty into him, that's garbage.
Poe loves you. Rey and Finn and Jim love you. Force, Taako probably loves you, but he'd pretend he doesn't know what it is because he's a twat like that. Chyler Silva has an enormous crush on you. Or she had before I ruined it. The cat loves you more than anyone.
You are kind when you don't have to be, when the galaxy doesn't deserve it from you. You are a good man and having done bad things doesn't make you less good. You gave me hope after I decided it was pointless, you brought me home. You are the best good thing that has ever happened to me. [ she frees her hands and cradles his face in her hands, maybe briefly smooshing his face because she can't handle emotions and that seems like a reasonable, brief moment of levity. ] Of course I love you, you dummy.
[he doesn't interrupt her, because he doesn't know how. his brain helpfully tries to supply him with several negative retorts, but he ignores them all and just listens, mouth open just so like he can't believe it, like he wants to speak. his grip on her hands is so tight until she squishes his face in making the little 'o' turn into more of a fish mouth.]
[he laughs nervously and finds his visions blurs, which makes him squeeze his eyes shut as her words echo over and over. he doesn't think he would be near to crying about this if he wasn't already riding some very hyped up emotions.]
I love you too. [it's what spills out in his refusal to deny her feelings towards him. he wants them, he wants to be loved, no matter what all his instincts try to tell him otherwise. he looks up at her, taking her face in his hands too, because he needs her to know he loves her back. he has so many things he wants to say and no idea where to begin!!!] I feel so much with you, and I want it all. I want to love you like this. You give me hope too, for myself and for so many other things.
[he shudders briefly.] You did not bring me home. You are home.
[ he's crying, she made him cry! she's briefly scared until he returns her affection and she feels the tickle in her nose that foretells her own tears. no, she refuses! not right now.
her own hands lift to cover his on her cheeks, pushing them together so he smooshes her cheeks the way she did to him. after a moment she pulls away, pressing one hand against his chest, his heart. ]
I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I really knew. [ maybe she could had stopped this before it started. ] And I'm sorry I'm still going to be absolute shit at this, but I'm getting better, I think.
[he laughs again when she makes him squish her cheeks, and even when she pulls away, he leaves his hands against her face. the steady pressure of her hand on his heart carefully settles the last of his nerves.]
[he shakes his head.] I did not tell you when I realized either. [he thought about it in idle terms, wondering how he could get her to know it.] You are getting better. I hope I am too. No one has... talked me down from that before.
[and they're both still here! they talked about their feelings! that has to be a sign they're both getting better at this, or at least very willing to try.]
I love you. [repeats it for clarity, mostly for himself but it doesn't hurt if she hears it too!!] Whatever else I am feeling cannot be bad, if you can make me feel this good.
[he does not mean physically, despite their prior couch exertion. jyn makes him feel like a good person. like it wasn't stomped all the way out, if she can crawl in and bring his heart back to life.]
[ jyn wants to say it back, to say it again, but she can't quite get it out and instead nods in answer, drumming up a smile because force, she feels so content, at peace again. it's not surprising with cassian. love is surprising, that they love... each other is surprising, but the peace she feels with cassian hasn't been a surprising things since that very first night they fell asleep next to each other. ]
I'll always be here, for whatever you need. Except waffles. Waffles will always be your job.
[ before he gets ahead of himself and thinks she's ever going to lift a finger to make waffles herself. ]
You're my best friend, Cassian. If we're shit at it, we're gonna be shit at it together. And if we're good at it, we'll be good at it together.
[jyn's smile is one of his favorite things. he has a lot of favorite things about her, no wonder he's so in love.]
I think I can still handle waffles. [they're talking about waffles, everything is definitely going to be okay.]
[he smiles back at her, a little reserved but no less happy. now that he's calm, it's easier to just... be happy, about everything he experienced and felt with her. it's still a new feeling, but it doesn't seem so intimidating or impossible anymore.]
Together. Because... you love me. [he still makes it sound like a marvel, but only because he is marveled by it. he's so lucky, it almost feels like more than he deserves.]
Does that mean we can talk about us now? [a beat.] Not... all the time. But sometimes. I need that sometimes. I want to figure it out with you. You make me feel like I can.
Yeah, because I love you. [ ah there it is, leaning in to kiss him again. maybe it will just come easier every time she says it, like kissing him came easier every time she did it. her case is made for immersive education. next up: fest. ]
I will. [ deep breath, nose wrinkling. ] I will talk about my feelings. Over waffles.
[ LOOK THAT IS A BIG STEP. especially because she didn't run away to finn to figure it out first. look at her, figuring out her relationship with the person she's actually in a relationship with instead of a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter. ]
[his smile turns a little stupid again and less reserved when she repeats it, doubly so when she punctuates it with a kiss. he returns it easily, always. she loves him. jyn erso loves him. cassian andor is loved by someone. how amazing and terrifying, but mostly amazing.]
[despite the (adorable) nose wrinkle, she's still promising him to talk and it puts him at a brand new level of peace. it's a very big step! he's so proud of her!]
Thank you. [force he really wants to figure this out. he wants to be happy with her. he squeezes her hands again.] We can grow them back together.
[ something they have to tend and take care of and help grow, it makes her smile a little but then her mouth slants into a frown. ]
Do you forgive me? For making you feel like you haven't always been exactly enough for me? You're the greatest thing in the galaxy but I never told you.
Like a garden. [he repeats it because there's something soft about it that's so unlike either of them but it feels fitting anyway.] Our own garden, just for us. [a personalized feelings garden that no one else is allowed to see. they can water it when necessary and plant all kinds of flowers.] We are just sorting through the weeds along the way.
[she frowns, and he does too. he lets go of one hand, so he can cup her cheek.]
I do. [it's instant forgiveness, because they were both being disasters. he's not sure he believes her that he's the greatest thing in the galaxy, but it's a nice warm thought anyway.] I should not have waited until now to bring it up either and made it worse for myself. It was disingenuous to pretend I was fine, and I don't like that with sex. I don't like that with you.
To be perfectly fair, I don't think I sort of foster a community of open conversation. You can't really be blamed for not wanting to bring it up.
[ with her. because she'd already said multiple times on multiple occasions that she'd rather jump out an airlock than confront her own feelings so it tracks that he would be hesitant to confront his feelings with her. ]
It's not your fault I make this difficult.
[ almost nervously: ] You did like it though. Right?
[she is...not wrong, but it doesn't mean he wants to admit that to her! it was hard for him to bring up how he was feeling, too cautious about making her want to run away again. but he should have done it before they slept together, probably.]
It is not easy for either of us. [that much is definitely true.]
[he traces his thumb over her cheek.] I did. You made me feel very happy and very good. I hope it was good for you too.
[he pauses.] I am sorry I did not really tell you what I wanted or liked either. [he realizes she may have been worrying about that, especially since it was wrapped up in his inability to acknowledge Any Feelings.] I am not... used to that. To talking about what I want, to being asked. I don't know how to ask.
But I want to be able to tell you. It's something else we can work on.
[ she chews on her lip because it was easier to blurt that out when he was inside her, in the heat of the moment. she's not shy about sex but she's still all jelly-limbed and warm from earlier. ]
Okay. Good, I am glad. [because jyn's enjoyment was his priority yolo.]
[he freezes, put on the spot again!! only this time he can't distract her with kisses. he just... stares at her for a few seconds because he still doesn't know how to answer it!]
I need to work on that, remember? All I can think of wanting is just... you.
[ how is he meant to work on it if she doesn't keep asking! she reaches between them to tiptoe her fingers up his chest, glancing away from his face to watch the progress of her hands through the fine, coarse hair across his chest. ]
Immersive learning. How do you want me, Cassian?
[ if it's too much, too soon she expects him to tell her. ]
[he swallows, his own eyes dropping down to her fingers moving over his chest. he wants to answer her. he wants to figure out how to answer her, at least. there are probably a million ways he might want her, but trying to think about it in the context of his wants over making sure she's okay is Difficult.]
I don't know if I can do this now too. [he sounds apologetic. but he did just kind of... completely fall apart on her. he feels much more settled now that they've talked about Feelings but he's still kind of swimming in emotional drainage, he hasn't even begun processing how he might want her.]
I want you in a lot of ways, but I don't know how to... tell you. It does not feel like I should.
[he covers her hand with his own, keeping her there.]
You can ask me again next time. You should. Maybe even ask me tomorrow. Maybe the more you ask me, the more it will feel normal. I want us both to keep figuring this out, together.
[she doesn't know what she likes, he doesn't know how to bring it up. but... if they could figure out how to say i love you, sex can't be that hard.]
Together sounds good. [ tomorrow sounds good, next time, more, it's going to keep happening because they're going to keep happening. which is a nice thought, one that makes her feel warm inside. ]
Yeah. I do. [watching a movie feels so normal for them, he kind of wants to just sit with her and do something normal. relax with a movie, maybe some cuddling. they have tomorrow. they have time after that too.]
[he gives her a tiny smile.] We should clean ourselves up first though.
[and maybe put some clothes back on, he supposes.]
[ her free hand reaches up to ruffle his mussed up hair. ] I kind of like how you look now. All tired and messy and soft. [ her fingers trail down to brush against his collarbone, coasting over a mark left behind by her teeth. ]
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[ she is a good gardener when it is soil and water and bright green leaves her dirty hands are coaxing to life, but when it comes to herself... she'd thought, honestly, that she had lost the ability to feel, that she had tucked emotion so far back in her mind that she forgot it was there until everything that happened after she'd been broken out of prison had blown up the door in her mind and everything exploded.
she's been careful to keep her grieve contained, tucked away again, but it's been harder to control all of her other emotions, harder to make them easier to deal with. ]
I don't want to ignore them either but it's-- I don't-- Force, I love you, Andor.
[ her head snaps up, expression as startled as a paralope in headlights. did she just say that. ]
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[i love you andor.]
[he sort of just stares at her like he can't comprehend the words. people don't love him. they haven't for years. he hasn't heard anyone say it since he was six years old. cassian andor is unlovable, it's what he always believed.]
[despite everything - literally everything about how they are, how they speak to each other, how much he would do for her and vise versa, how much he loves her too - cassian is still completely surprised by the admission.]
[he squeezes her hands, lest she think he was having a negative reaction.]
You... do?
[his voice is quiet, surprised, and maybe a little bit hopeful; he's still processing this information, but it's still so baffling to him that he needs to confirm it.]
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Yeah, I do. More than anything.
[ she was hoping that he would have said something first so she could just jump on the bandwagon after him and she had no intention of saying it now -- what if he panics more!! -- but it slipped out and now it's out and she can't put it back.
her lips purse slightly, that defiant look sliding across her expression again like she is afraid it will be used against her and she can preemptively bristle up in defense, her own chest feeling tight with nerves. ]
I'd thought you'd know.
[ without her having to tell him, that he would just know. ]
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[more than anything. it does not seem possible to him, that he could be loved like that. he never sought love and he never thought he deserved it.]
I don't know what it looks like. I didn't - [he and jyn were clearly not so normal, but cassian has never lived normally anyway. it took him ages to realize he was in love with her, partially because he didn't know what it was. he didn't know what it was like.]
[he squeezes her hands.]
People do not love me. How would I have known?
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You single-handedly convinced all of those men to come with us to Scarif. Do you think they would have done that for me? Or Bodhi? Or Baze or Chirrut? No. They did it because they trusted you and they believed in you and they loved you. K2 loved you, and not because you programmed loyalty into him, that's garbage.
Poe loves you. Rey and Finn and Jim love you. Force, Taako probably loves you, but he'd pretend he doesn't know what it is because he's a twat like that. Chyler Silva has an enormous crush on you. Or she had before I ruined it. The cat loves you more than anyone.
You are kind when you don't have to be, when the galaxy doesn't deserve it from you. You are a good man and having done bad things doesn't make you less good. You gave me hope after I decided it was pointless, you brought me home. You are the best good thing that has ever happened to me. [ she frees her hands and cradles his face in her hands, maybe briefly smooshing his face because she can't handle emotions and that seems like a reasonable, brief moment of levity. ] Of course I love you, you dummy.
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[he laughs nervously and finds his visions blurs, which makes him squeeze his eyes shut as her words echo over and over. he doesn't think he would be near to crying about this if he wasn't already riding some very hyped up emotions.]
I love you too. [it's what spills out in his refusal to deny her feelings towards him. he wants them, he wants to be loved, no matter what all his instincts try to tell him otherwise. he looks up at her, taking her face in his hands too, because he needs her to know he loves her back. he has so many things he wants to say and no idea where to begin!!!] I feel so much with you, and I want it all. I want to love you like this. You give me hope too, for myself and for so many other things.
[he shudders briefly.] You did not bring me home. You are home.
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her own hands lift to cover his on her cheeks, pushing them together so he smooshes her cheeks the way she did to him. after a moment she pulls away, pressing one hand against his chest, his heart. ]
I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I really knew. [ maybe she could had stopped this before it started. ] And I'm sorry I'm still going to be absolute shit at this, but I'm getting better, I think.
[ maybe..? ]
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[he shakes his head.] I did not tell you when I realized either. [he thought about it in idle terms, wondering how he could get her to know it.] You are getting better. I hope I am too. No one has... talked me down from that before.
[and they're both still here! they talked about their feelings! that has to be a sign they're both getting better at this, or at least very willing to try.]
I love you. [repeats it for clarity, mostly for himself but it doesn't hurt if she hears it too!!] Whatever else I am feeling cannot be bad, if you can make me feel this good.
[he does not mean physically, despite their prior couch exertion. jyn makes him feel like a good person. like it wasn't stomped all the way out, if she can crawl in and bring his heart back to life.]
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I'll always be here, for whatever you need. Except waffles. Waffles will always be your job.
[ before he gets ahead of himself and thinks she's ever going to lift a finger to make waffles herself. ]
You're my best friend, Cassian. If we're shit at it, we're gonna be shit at it together. And if we're good at it, we'll be good at it together.
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I think I can still handle waffles. [they're talking about waffles, everything is definitely going to be okay.]
[he smiles back at her, a little reserved but no less happy. now that he's calm, it's easier to just... be happy, about everything he experienced and felt with her. it's still a new feeling, but it doesn't seem so intimidating or impossible anymore.]
Together. Because... you love me. [he still makes it sound like a marvel, but only because he is marveled by it. he's so lucky, it almost feels like more than he deserves.]
Does that mean we can talk about us now? [a beat.] Not... all the time. But sometimes. I need that sometimes. I want to figure it out with you. You make me feel like I can.
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I will. [ deep breath, nose wrinkling. ] I will talk about my feelings. Over waffles.
[ LOOK THAT IS A BIG STEP. especially because she didn't run away to finn to figure it out first. look at her, figuring out her relationship with the person she's actually in a relationship with instead of a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter. ]
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[despite the (adorable) nose wrinkle, she's still promising him to talk and it puts him at a brand new level of peace. it's a very big step! he's so proud of her!]
Thank you. [force he really wants to figure this out. he wants to be happy with her. he squeezes her hands again.] We can grow them back together.
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[ something they have to tend and take care of and help grow, it makes her smile a little but then her mouth slants into a frown. ]
Do you forgive me? For making you feel like you haven't always been exactly enough for me? You're the greatest thing in the galaxy but I never told you.
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[she frowns, and he does too. he lets go of one hand, so he can cup her cheek.]
I do. [it's instant forgiveness, because they were both being disasters. he's not sure he believes her that he's the greatest thing in the galaxy, but it's a nice warm thought anyway.] I should not have waited until now to bring it up either and made it worse for myself. It was disingenuous to pretend I was fine, and I don't like that with sex. I don't like that with you.
[honesty! the honesty house.]
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[ with her. because she'd already said multiple times on multiple occasions that she'd rather jump out an airlock than confront her own feelings so it tracks that he would be hesitant to confront his feelings with her. ]
It's not your fault I make this difficult.
[ almost nervously: ] You did like it though. Right?
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It is not easy for either of us. [that much is definitely true.]
[he traces his thumb over her cheek.] I did. You made me feel very happy and very good. I hope it was good for you too.
[he pauses.] I am sorry I did not really tell you what I wanted or liked either. [he realizes she may have been worrying about that, especially since it was wrapped up in his inability to acknowledge Any Feelings.] I am not... used to that. To talking about what I want, to being asked. I don't know how to ask.
But I want to be able to tell you. It's something else we can work on.
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[ she chews on her lip because it was easier to blurt that out when he was inside her, in the heat of the moment. she's not shy about sex but she's still all jelly-limbed and warm from earlier. ]
Alright, so tell me. What do you want?
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[he freezes, put on the spot again!! only this time he can't distract her with kisses. he just... stares at her for a few seconds because he still doesn't know how to answer it!]
I need to work on that, remember? All I can think of wanting is just... you.
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Immersive learning. How do you want me, Cassian?
[ if it's too much, too soon she expects him to tell her. ]
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I don't know if I can do this now too. [he sounds apologetic. but he did just kind of... completely fall apart on her. he feels much more settled now that they've talked about Feelings but he's still kind of swimming in emotional drainage, he hasn't even begun processing how he might want her.]
I want you in a lot of ways, but I don't know how to... tell you. It does not feel like I should.
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[ two fingers still against his heart. ]
I can wait. We have time to figure it all out.
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[he covers her hand with his own, keeping her there.]
You can ask me again next time. You should. Maybe even ask me tomorrow. Maybe the more you ask me, the more it will feel normal. I want us both to keep figuring this out, together.
[she doesn't know what she likes, he doesn't know how to bring it up. but... if they could figure out how to say i love you, sex can't be that hard.]
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[ that sounds good to her, fair and smart. ]
Together sounds good. [ tomorrow sounds good, next time, more, it's going to keep happening because they're going to keep happening. which is a nice thought, one that makes her feel warm inside. ]
Do you want to watch a film?
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[he gives her a tiny smile.] We should clean ourselves up first though.
[and maybe put some clothes back on, he supposes.]
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[ her free hand reaches up to ruffle his mussed up hair. ] I kind of like how you look now. All tired and messy and soft. [ her fingers trail down to brush against his collarbone, coasting over a mark left behind by her teeth. ]
I guess we should put pants on. If we must.
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