[ he pulls the bag closer, like it's suddenly more valuable, and pulls it open with both hands. whatever it is, it's shoved in haphazardly and reaches in to tug it out. ]
[ it's a jacket, he realizes, right before it unfolds. a pretty nice one, some kind of leather. cassian knows he always kept more coats than strictly necessary, but it was always the one luxury he allowed himself - one that he could also say was a necessity. ]
[ and she got him one. ]
[ he's biting on a smile. ] You got me a jacket. I thought you said I already had too many?
[ she's looking at the ceiling, but her arm flicks out toward the closet as if to indicate how half the closet is cassian's jackets and 1/8th is jyn's three sets of clothing. it's still a paltry collection considering how enormous the closet is, all their clothes -- jackets included -- fit in one corner while the rest of the bars hang empty. ]
Try it on.
[ marcos is taller and broader than cassian so it was a snug fit on him, but it should fit cassian very well. ]
[ again, he indulges her, dropping the bag to the floor and pulling the jacket on over his shoulders. ]
[ it does fit, almost perfectly. it's loose enough that he can hide things in the pockets without a bulge, but not too loose that it flaps in the wind like a cape. zipping it up, he tugs on the sleeves, adjusting it as his smile finally breaks out, however small and restrained it is. ]
[ he holds out his arms. ] It fits. [ a beat. ] Why did you get me a jacket?
[ jyn props herself up on her elbows to look at him, head tilted to the side thoughtfully. and because she can't keep it up straight. ]
You didn't have one for cool weather. [ for warm weather, yes. for cold weather, yes. for wind and snow and, really, for every type of weather. cassian is prepared for anything, plans on plans on plans. but he didn't have a jacket for cool weather once the sun has gone down. ]
[ it's such a practical reason and it makes him feel warm anyway. she's right, he hadn't gotten this kind of jacket yet, but he's maybe surprised she'd noticed, however small their collection of personal clothes are. it would be easy to notice. ]
Are you looking to put on a fashion show? [ he still doesn't know how to deal with how this is making him feel, and she's still drunk, so making a joke is clearly the logical step.]
Yes. [ she hums into a smile, pleased that making marcos try on the jacket was successful because it hits cassian in all the right places that had been slightly off on her taller friend.
she flops back on the bed, satisfied, and wrestles with her sleep pants. she is not so far gone that she needs cassian's help there but it's a close thing. she stares up at the ceiling again like it holds the secrets to the universe and smacks her hand on the bed again. ]
[ oh no another smile!! what is happening, why does that look on her face make him feel so warm. it's definitely the jacket. it's too warm in here to be wearing a coat! ]
[ and then he feels weirdly nervous about sitting beside her, but it doesn't stop him from walking back over, even if he stops at the foot of the bed first. ]
Can I take this off first or is the show still in progress?
[ why is this entire situation somehow both weird and utterly normal at once? what is he saying?? what is even happening here?? how much longer can he possibly play it cool?? ]
[ jyn lifts up on her elbows to look at cassian and debates it with a studious, solemnity that resembles her father so much that it would be hard to say she inherited it from anyone else. ]
You may take it off.
[ she flops back on the bed, short hair fanning out around her head. ]
[ he almost laughs at the look on her face and the solemn agreement that he can take the jacket off. shaking his head, he shrugs it off, setting it neatly on the chair before he finally climbs back over to sit on the bed. he shuffles until he's sitting up, leaning against the headboard. ]
[ then he frowns, smile disappearing. he's not surprised by the shift, but he does find he misses the lighter back and forth, especially because he doesn't have an answer, doesn't like thinking about it. ] I thought so. But it is hard to imagine a process by which we could then be resurrected. Maybe if we ever figure out how people come to this world, we will get our answer.
[ jyn had told marcos about the medi-units from the newbie guide, but it wasn't like she really believed in them. not for her and cassian -- she doesn't even know how the death star worked against people. jedha was destroyed but it was still there, a crater where an entire city used to be. were there bodies in that crater? there hadn't been time for the alliance to look before they her hurrying off to scarif. maybe knowing what this weapon could do to people would have helped but those people were already dead... maybe nothing could have convinced the council.
still. were they vaporized? was it fire that consumed them? sometimes the heat still licks at her and she wakes up feeling it all over again but she doesn't know what it is. ]
Maybe we should tell someone.
[ maybe that idea is only acceptable to her right now because she is drunk. ]
[ it's the nature of the conversation for one, unprepared for thinking about their deaths, as much as it sneaks up on him half the time anyway. he won't shy away from it though, because... they probably should talk about it sometimes. even if she's drunk and might not even remember. there are a lot of questions about death and dying and the death star. ]
Do you want to tell someone? Who would we even tell?
[ he has told approximately no one yet. it feels weird to bring up at random, "how btw i died back home," and part of it is just keeping everything about himself locked up tight as a rule. ]
[ she rolls over to face him, body turning before her arm follows. she told marcos via text so she could walk the fuck away from it tbh but it was... kind of nice, being open with it.
her ghost joke wouldn't have made sense otherwise. ]
I didn't tell him about you. [ they died together, but that didn't mean she had any right to tell anyone about cassian dying as well. ]
[ he tilts his head, looking down at her. ] And it was not... strange? [ of course it was strange, but she doesn't seem bothered by speaking about it. it hadn't even occurred to him to worry about her sharing his death too, because no matter how much jyn comes to know about him, cassian still trusts her. ]
I have not told anyone. I am not sure I even know how.
[ it was probably easier with marcos because they don't know each other. she doesn't see him every day, they're friends in a very broad sense. which is maybe what jyn needs, friends that don't need her because she is unreliable.
jyn wriggles and shifts around until she can use cassian's lap as a pillow. ]
[ she is talking about being dead, but she is also now... in his lap. he blinks down at her and does his absolute best to avoid looking confused. where do his hands go now???? maybe he just... won't say anything about that. ]
No, I agree. Having someone we see virtually every day know sounds difficult.
[ he came close when he was talking about the rebellion, he thought about it, but it didn't feel right to leverage their deaths that way, especially knowing there would be follow up concern and questions. ]
[ good, they're in agreement to keep lying to their roommates. sounds good. not at all a bad idea. it isn't that jyn doesn't want daisy to know, she doesn't want to deal with daisy knowing. she already knows they were forgotten rebels in a war that someone else won for them. she doesn't need to know why they didn't keep fighting. ]
How did you come back for me, at the Citadel?
[ her drunk fuzzy brain doesn't think to segue into this new topic either, just bouncing along like a broken starship in a hyperspace lane. ]
[ roommates feel like the worst option to talk about being dead with, simply because you can't even go home to avoid further conversation. they're just in the next room. ]
[ he's not surprised by the sudden shift, jyn is very good at that, but maybe he is a little surprised by the question. he gets a bizarre urge to run his hand through her hair, but staves it off. ]
There was an elevator, once I managed to get out of the vault. [ how he got out of the vault is honestly kind of fuzzy; he just remembers doing his absolute damnest to push through the fact that his back was on fire, and he probably damaged it even more with all the movement but - but he had to get up to her. ] I just went up and hoped you would be there.
[ that makes sense and jyn feels like she should have known that but it's still a surprise. she'd thought... he'd followed her, which is absolutely absurd considering she barely made it up there uninjured. there is no way cassian could have followed the same path. ]
[ he did always come back for her, even if he can't explain why. it was like that since jedha, each time he chose to go find her again instead of carrying on. a constant pull towards jyn he never stopped to examine. still hasn't. ]
You would do the same for me. I hope. When I realized I could get out of the vault, I had to try.
[ at least at first. on jedha, on eadu. she would have left him to save herself. at least on jedha. probably on jedha. she thinks she would have left cassian, but she felt the same gravity tugging them together, even if she didn't really know what it was.
she'd always thought he was a better person than her, now she knows. ]
I'm glad you came.
[ it was the last thing she said to him, before the blinding, searing light of the death star enveloped them and burned away any other sentiment that might have passed between them if they had the time.
[ he doesn't stiffen, but it does give him pause. maybe he hoped wrong? was he getting ahead of himself with how he and jyn are? ]
[ no, it makes sense. no one is supposed to come back for him. that's why he kept a lullaby. there's no reason for the thought to make him sad. it's just a fact. ]
[ she repeats what she'd told him right before the end, and he closes his eyes. it's heartening against everything else, because he doesn't regret it. it feels almost like a rewind and reset, only she's drunk and he's confused again. there's an after now. ]
[ jyn hmms a noise, more to herself than anything, sounding satisfied with cassian's answer. still with her head in his lap, jyn's hand pats around the sheets until she finds his hand and curls her fingers around his. ]
I'd come back for you now. Don't make it too hard for me, I'm very blurry. Drunk. You're blurry.
[ she is considerably drunk still, it's true, but the emotions that slip through the empathy bond are clear and bright and not nearly as muddied as they can be when she tries to verbalize him. jyn is content, feeling at peace again with cassian. ]
[ he wants to pull his hand away because he doesn't want her to know what he's feeling, but her grip is surprisingly tight, and maybe that sense of calm he gets from her washes over him enough to keep him holding on too. ]
[ he's still confused, only now it's out of how he can give someone this kind of peace. he can tell she feels it because of him. instead of dealing with that and how relieved he is by her addendum, he just rolls off the other part of her slurry happiness. ]
You are a little blurry. [ he squeezes her hand, and with it comes a rush of gratitude. she'd come back for him, and he believes it. ] Thank you.
[ the longer jyn holds on, the warmer the feeling gets. she doesn't know how to name it, she honestly can't feel it as an emotion, it has settled into her bones now like it was burned there on the beach.
it feels like home. ]
Come with me tomorrow. [ have a drink, stop her from having forty two. right now she has the sleepy enthusiasm and ambition of a drunk white girl. stacy! do you wanna work out like tomorrow? do you wanna go at like six? it's five now!
[ everything gets warmer and warmer each passing second, and cassian still feels like he should pull away. it's scary and he shouldn't be allowed to get cozy with this sort of comfort, but he also wants to throw himself in the pool and drown in it. it feels like he's chasing something he lost so long ago. ]
[ there's probably a chill middle ground somewhere. ]
Go where? To more parties? [ at least he sounds more amused than ready to reject her. ] I think we should wait and see how you are feeling tomorrow first.
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[ it's a jacket, he realizes, right before it unfolds. a pretty nice one, some kind of leather. cassian knows he always kept more coats than strictly necessary, but it was always the one luxury he allowed himself - one that he could also say was a necessity. ]
[ and she got him one. ]
[ he's biting on a smile. ] You got me a jacket. I thought you said I already had too many?
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[ she's looking at the ceiling, but her arm flicks out toward the closet as if to indicate how half the closet is cassian's jackets and 1/8th is jyn's three sets of clothing. it's still a paltry collection considering how enormous the closet is, all their clothes -- jackets included -- fit in one corner while the rest of the bars hang empty. ]
Try it on.
[ marcos is taller and broader than cassian so it was a snug fit on him, but it should fit cassian very well. ]
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[ it does fit, almost perfectly. it's loose enough that he can hide things in the pockets without a bulge, but not too loose that it flaps in the wind like a cape. zipping it up, he tugs on the sleeves, adjusting it as his smile finally breaks out, however small and restrained it is. ]
[ he holds out his arms. ] It fits. [ a beat. ] Why did you get me a jacket?
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You didn't have one for cool weather. [ for warm weather, yes. for cold weather, yes. for wind and snow and, really, for every type of weather. cassian is prepared for anything, plans on plans on plans. but he didn't have a jacket for cool weather once the sun has gone down. ]
Turn around.
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Are you looking to put on a fashion show? [ he still doesn't know how to deal with how this is making him feel, and she's still drunk, so making a joke is clearly the logical step.]
[ he still turns around though. ]
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she flops back on the bed, satisfied, and wrestles with her sleep pants. she is not so far gone that she needs cassian's help there but it's a close thing. she stares up at the ceiling again like it holds the secrets to the universe and smacks her hand on the bed again. ]
Come back.
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[ and then he feels weirdly nervous about sitting beside her, but it doesn't stop him from walking back over, even if he stops at the foot of the bed first. ]
Can I take this off first or is the show still in progress?
[ why is this entire situation somehow both weird and utterly normal at once? what is he saying?? what is even happening here?? how much longer can he possibly play it cool?? ]
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You may take it off.
[ she flops back on the bed, short hair fanning out around her head. ]
Do you think we actually died?
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[ then he frowns, smile disappearing. he's not surprised by the shift, but he does find he misses the lighter back and forth, especially because he doesn't have an answer, doesn't like thinking about it. ] I thought so. But it is hard to imagine a process by which we could then be resurrected. Maybe if we ever figure out how people come to this world, we will get our answer.
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still. were they vaporized? was it fire that consumed them? sometimes the heat still licks at her and she wakes up feeling it all over again but she doesn't know what it is. ]
Maybe we should tell someone.
[ maybe that idea is only acceptable to her right now because she is drunk. ]
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[ it's the nature of the conversation for one, unprepared for thinking about their deaths, as much as it sneaks up on him half the time anyway. he won't shy away from it though, because... they probably should talk about it sometimes. even if she's drunk and might not even remember. there are a lot of questions about death and dying and the death star. ]
Do you want to tell someone? Who would we even tell?
[ he has told approximately no one yet. it feels weird to bring up at random, "how btw i died back home," and part of it is just keeping everything about himself locked up tight as a rule. ]
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[ she rolls over to face him, body turning before her arm follows. she told marcos via text so she could walk the fuck away from it tbh but it was... kind of nice, being open with it.
her ghost joke wouldn't have made sense otherwise. ]
I didn't tell him about you. [ they died together, but that didn't mean she had any right to tell anyone about cassian dying as well. ]
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I have not told anyone. I am not sure I even know how.
[ beyond just... telling anyone he's head. talking about himself. ]
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[ it was probably easier with marcos because they don't know each other. she doesn't see him every day, they're friends in a very broad sense. which is maybe what jyn needs, friends that don't need her because she is unreliable.
jyn wriggles and shifts around until she can use cassian's lap as a pillow. ]
I don't think I could tell Daisy.
[ not to her face, at least. ]
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No, I agree. Having someone we see virtually every day know sounds difficult.
[ he came close when he was talking about the rebellion, he thought about it, but it didn't feel right to leverage their deaths that way, especially knowing there would be follow up concern and questions. ]
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How did you come back for me, at the Citadel?
[ her drunk fuzzy brain doesn't think to segue into this new topic either, just bouncing along like a broken starship in a hyperspace lane. ]
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[ he's not surprised by the sudden shift, jyn is very good at that, but maybe he is a little surprised by the question. he gets a bizarre urge to run his hand through her hair, but staves it off. ]
There was an elevator, once I managed to get out of the vault. [ how he got out of the vault is honestly kind of fuzzy; he just remembers doing his absolute damnest to push through the fact that his back was on fire, and he probably damaged it even more with all the movement but - but he had to get up to her. ] I just went up and hoped you would be there.
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[ that makes sense and jyn feels like she should have known that but it's still a surprise. she'd thought... he'd followed her, which is absolutely absurd considering she barely made it up there uninjured. there is no way cassian could have followed the same path. ]
You always came back for me.
[ three times is an always. ]
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You would do the same for me. I hope. When I realized I could get out of the vault, I had to try.
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[ at least at first. on jedha, on eadu. she would have left him to save herself. at least on jedha. probably on jedha. she thinks she would have left cassian, but she felt the same gravity tugging them together, even if she didn't really know what it was.
she'd always thought he was a better person than her, now she knows. ]
I'm glad you came.
[ it was the last thing she said to him, before the blinding, searing light of the death star enveloped them and burned away any other sentiment that might have passed between them if they had the time.
it hasn't changed. ]
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[ no, it makes sense. no one is supposed to come back for him. that's why he kept a lullaby. there's no reason for the thought to make him sad. it's just a fact. ]
[ she repeats what she'd told him right before the end, and he closes his eyes. it's heartening against everything else, because he doesn't regret it. it feels almost like a rewind and reset, only she's drunk and he's confused again. there's an after now. ]
Me too. [ that much remains too. ]
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I'd come back for you now. Don't make it too hard for me, I'm very blurry. Drunk. You're blurry.
[ she is considerably drunk still, it's true, but the emotions that slip through the empathy bond are clear and bright and not nearly as muddied as they can be when she tries to verbalize him. jyn is content, feeling at peace again with cassian. ]
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[ he's still confused, only now it's out of how he can give someone this kind of peace. he can tell she feels it because of him. instead of dealing with that and how relieved he is by her addendum, he just rolls off the other part of her slurry happiness. ]
You are a little blurry. [ he squeezes her hand, and with it comes a rush of gratitude. she'd come back for him, and he believes it. ] Thank you.
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it feels like home. ]
Come with me tomorrow. [ have a drink, stop her from having forty two. right now she has the sleepy enthusiasm and ambition of a drunk white girl. stacy! do you wanna work out like tomorrow? do you wanna go at like six? it's five now!
tomorrow she will be hungover. ]
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[ there's probably a chill middle ground somewhere. ]
Go where? To more parties? [ at least he sounds more amused than ready to reject her. ] I think we should wait and see how you are feeling tomorrow first.
[ she's 100% going to be super hungover. ]
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