[ eyes fluttering open, her fingers lift to touch at the faint imprint of her teeth against his collar bone. it wasn't intentional possessive at the time but now... now that she has the ability to linger, she rather likes it. indelible proof that she was there. ]
's not really the right word, is it?
[ she hums a considering noise, feeling warm and content, but she can't think of how she should describe it so she doesn't. when they had first kissed she had been a skittish bantha, running away to finn because she couldn't deal with her own emotions. they had settled since then, she had settled, and while most of the time she still feels like a disaster, she feels a little bit more whole with cassian, like he is helping her find all her broken pieces so she can put herself back together.
this was another broken piece and she feels more whole again. ]
[she touches him and the contact startles him. she's so content, she's laying with him, she doesn't want to leave, so why does cassian suddenly feel like he needs to? he's happy. he is definitely happy. but maybe he doesn't know how to actually be happy.]
It does not feel like... enough.
[he doesn't know what is enough. he doesn't know how to describe any of this.]
[his smile falters as his throat seemingly closes up.] I -
[he can't breathe. he tries to draw in a breath, but it's more like a gulp for air.] It's -
[nice. sex with jyn was nice. and a million other things he doesn't know how to even begin sorting.]
jyn scrambles to sit up, the movement leaving her feeling almost bereft for not being surrounded by cassian anymore. she doesn't dwell on it, pushing cassian to sit up as well.
he can't breathe. is he choking? does he have some kind of respiratory illness she doesn't know about because she's a horrible friend that doesn't ask him questions about himself? was it actually not nice sex at all and he took a second second lullaby and now she's going to watch him drown on dry land? every terrible and impossible scenario spins through jyn's mind. ]
Cassian, what's wrong? [ he can't breathe, jyn, how is he supposed to answer? she realizes this. ] Do you need water? Air? I can call Jim and have him bring Victor over?
[he falls back and leans against the couch when she pushes him. he covers his mouth which seems very counterproductive, but it's like he doesn't want her to see this. he knows what's happening now. he's having a panic attack.]
[how romantic.]
No. [no doctors, no water. he just needs to get this over with.]
[he drags his hand up from his mouth and over his cheeks, pressing his fingers over his eyes while he tries to get his breathing under control.] I just - need a minute.
[ he needs a minute. okay, jyn can do that, jyn can give him a minute.
jyn cannot. something like twelve seconds pass and jyn shuffles forward on her knees, stopping just in front of him and reaching out to pry his hands from his face. they're a team, for the love of force, whatever is going on they are going to deal with it together. ]
Hey. Look at me. Listen to my breathing. [ her breaths are steady, slow but not deep enough for him to choke on again, loud enough for him to hear without much effort even though she is normally incredibly quiet. ]
[it is not a minute, but he doesn't really know how long it is. he almost snaps his hands back away from her, because he should have some semblance of dignity left. then again, he's already ripped raw in front of her, what difference does this make?]
[cassian stares at her face, and he tries very hard to listen to her breathing, but it doesn't quite settle him. he doesn't know if it helps or not.]
[he tries to match her pace and heaves for a moment instead, because she's so close. he wants her to be close all the time, but he doesn't know if that's okay. he doesn't know if that's normal.]
[he feels dizzy, and he squeezes her hands, like maybe it can help ground him.] I'm sorry. I don't -
[he squeezes his eyes shut and listens to her breathing. she's right there. she's always right there. he wants to be honest with her, and he's done a pretty good job of it so far.]
[but it's not like they've talked about them much beyond that night he first kissed her. and now he is sitting naked with her on their couch and scrambling to figure out how he's supposed to deal with intimacy and being a real person with a -]
[with a what? jyn to him feels indescribable, but he doesn't know what to do next if he doesn't know. that's the crux of it, it all feels so much bigger than should be allowed. it isn't just sex, but that's more or less all he's ever had. he doesn't know what to ask, what to think, he can't even focus on jyn like he usually does. who knew shoving down all your emotions and pretending everything was fine could possibly backfire???]
[he shudders and breathes in sharply again.] I don't know how to do this.
[ jyn almost asks what this is, but she realizes just in time. ]
Neither do I.
[ she thought they were doing pretty well though? they have a cat and she kisses him goodnight every night and he kisses her good morning every morning and it's good, it's great. she likes what they have. ]
We can talk about it. If you want.
[ jyn would rather die but maybe cassian needs it and her stupid inability to talk to another human being has hurt him in some way. ]
[he looks up at her with some mild uncertainty, because she never wants to talk about things. not that he likes to get into deep emotional discussions either, but clearly winging it hasn't been settling well deep down.]
[he still can't quite breathe properly, but he focuses on her face and her hands. the only person whose ever seen him like this before wasn't even a person, and k2 just sat with him to wait it out, but it was still a comfort.]
I don't know what I am feeling. It's - everything.[it's overwhelming him in ways he's not quite sure he's dealt with before. he ignored it and ignored it but sleeping with jyn was so much, good and emotional and it stirred up feelings he hasn't handled in a long, long time. it's like he's been split open and it's almost a physical sensation right now too.]
[he still hesitates to say more, though part of it is just because he doesn't know where to begin. he closes his eyes again.]
[ if it's everything, that means it's her, too. resisting the urge to run away again, jyn squeezes his hands in reassurance, but concern clouds her expression. ]
[he doesn't answer her right away, holding her hands and trying to count out the spaces between breaths.]
When I cannot contain it.
[it feels harder now maybe because he doesn't... have to with jyn. he doesn't have to hide away pieces of himself with her, even the pieces he is terrified of, even the ones he's worried she might not want to see or talk about. he is allowed to have emotions here but it doesn't mean he knows what to do with them, and apparently sex was the tipping point.]
Sometimes - it's too much. [he shakes his head suddenly, even if it makes him dizzy again.] Not you, it is not you. You are not too much. I am.
[he exhales.] K2 used to sit with me. Until it was over.
[ it is her, she's not blind. they had sex and cassian's freaking out so. it's nice of him to reassure her but she kind of hates that he feels like he has to when he is the one freaking out. ]
You don't have to be. I don't want you to be anyone but you. [k2 was his best friend for years, but he was a droid. cassian would never say his lumbering robot was unemotional, but he doesn't bring the warm comfort jyn does. his grip tightens on her hands again and pulls them towards him.]
[he squeezes his eyes. you are enough. he doesn't know how to be enough, he doesn't know what enough is.]
Did you know people would call me Andor the Android? [he was a spy. of course he heard some of the things people would whisper about him.] I always thought they were kind of right sometimes.
I know how to shut it all down. But right now I can't. Like a glitch.
People are stupid. [ her retort is fast and immediately heated. how??? dare???? they??? cassian is a good man and her emotional support, who gives a shit if he can turn it off. she wishes she could turn it off sometimes, she tries her hardest to turn it off.
she frees one hand so she can lift it to curve against his jaw. ]
You don't have to shut it down anymore, Cassian. You have me. Yo have Jim and Poe and support.
[he leans into her hand. his breathing is starting to come in steadier; it's not over, but it's better. he's never had human contact during an attack like this before, and he puts his hand over hers, to keep it against him.]
I don't want to. But I don't - I don't know what to say. I don't know when to say it. [he doesn't know how to go to another person. sometimes he wants to talk to jyn but she hates talking, and he sort of flounders from there. his eyes kind of water just from the sheer abundance of Feelings he is suffering.]
Sex has never been this much before. You make me feel... happy. Good. It's never been - [this intimate? this is what he means, when he's not sure what to say or how to say it or what might scare her off. she makes him so happy he is going to burst from it, and he doesn't know how to tell her that.]
But - I don't know what you want. People always want something, but you - don't. Not like that. [it isn't that he thinks she's lying about anything. she just doesn't tell him anything, not with words. he isn't equipt to read between the emotional lines.]
It's too good. I don't - I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to be enough.
[ it is her fault, if he can't navigate what he is allowed to say and when he is allowed to say it. she'd just wanted to keep putting it off until it became irrelevant but it won't. ]
I want you. I want this, what we have. I want you to stay with me and be my friend and my partner. I don't... [ she trails off helplessly, unsure of how to explain what she wants. ] I don't need anything else. What we have is enough, more than enough.
[the one thing he does know is that he is in love with jyn, but it doesn't occur to him that it would be mutual.]
I want all that too. [he sounds so relieved to hear it from her, his shoulders sinking a little with it. it chips away at his anxiety and it's only a string of sentences and words but it's her words. he clings to them like he clings to her hand still at his face.] I want you and us more than anything I have wanted in a long time.
I am scared of how much I want it. [maybe he's not suited for it, especially if he's going to freak the fuck out on her after sleeping with her.] I just... feel so much right now.
[and she hates feelings and he's bad at them, how does it work!!!]
[ he relaxes when she answers him and jyn feels particularly terrible for withholding something that could have headed this off at the pass had she only just said something.
she knows cassian isn't going to take advantage of her vulnerabilities if she were to speak up, but it feels like she's so terrible at it, like she'd never be able to fully verbalize what she feels. she still hasn't even allowed herself to grieve all the loses in her live, how is she supposed to admit to all the wonderful things she feels when she's with him?
she licks her lips nervously. ]
I'm not used to having someone else, I know I'm shit at talking about what I'm feeling, but I--
[ a little sigh, she trails off, looking down at their still clasped hands. it took less courage to storm scarif, she doesn't know if she is brave enough for any of this. ]
[he has always known jyn cared about him, that she had his back no matter what, that she wanted to kiss him and hold him, but the verbal affirmations sink into his chest. who knew he wanted to hear it so badly?]
Do you think I am any better? [come on jyn. come on. he just had a breakdown immediately post coitus and honestly he is still kind of in the middle of it. self deprecation is go.]
[he follows her gaze down to their hands, still trying to fully even out his breathing.] I have boxed away any feelings for so long that I don't know what they are half the time.
I don't want to... ignore them with you. You bring them all out of me.
[he is glad to admit it, even if he still sounds nervous saying so.]
I thought if I could make my feelings small I wouldn't be hurt by them, but instead they died and... it's hard, growing them back.
[ she is a good gardener when it is soil and water and bright green leaves her dirty hands are coaxing to life, but when it comes to herself... she'd thought, honestly, that she had lost the ability to feel, that she had tucked emotion so far back in her mind that she forgot it was there until everything that happened after she'd been broken out of prison had blown up the door in her mind and everything exploded.
she's been careful to keep her grieve contained, tucked away again, but it's been harder to control all of her other emotions, harder to make them easier to deal with. ]
I don't want to ignore them either but it's-- I don't-- Force, I love you, Andor.
[ her head snaps up, expression as startled as a paralope in headlights. did she just say that. ]
[he wants to address her stunted emotions alongside his own, but he's still coming down from his panic attack, and apparently she loves him.]
[i love you andor.]
[he sort of just stares at her like he can't comprehend the words. people don't love him. they haven't for years. he hasn't heard anyone say it since he was six years old. cassian andor is unlovable, it's what he always believed.]
[despite everything - literally everything about how they are, how they speak to each other, how much he would do for her and vise versa, how much he loves her too - cassian is still completely surprised by the admission.]
[he squeezes her hands, lest she think he was having a negative reaction.]
You... do?
[his voice is quiet, surprised, and maybe a little bit hopeful; he's still processing this information, but it's still so baffling to him that he needs to confirm it.]
[ she was hoping that he would have said something first so she could just jump on the bandwagon after him and she had no intention of saying it now -- what if he panics more!! -- but it slipped out and now it's out and she can't put it back.
her lips purse slightly, that defiant look sliding across her expression again like she is afraid it will be used against her and she can preemptively bristle up in defense, her own chest feeling tight with nerves. ]
I'd thought you'd know.
[ without her having to tell him, that he would just know. ]
[even though she looks cross and ready 2 throw down, cassian still just looks like he's processing. downloading emotions.exe.]
[more than anything. it does not seem possible to him, that he could be loved like that. he never sought love and he never thought he deserved it.]
I don't know what it looks like. I didn't - [he and jyn were clearly not so normal, but cassian has never lived normally anyway. it took him ages to realize he was in love with her, partially because he didn't know what it was. he didn't know what it was like.]
People are stupid and so are you. [ maybe being a jerk is not the right way to go but here they are. ]
You single-handedly convinced all of those men to come with us to Scarif. Do you think they would have done that for me? Or Bodhi? Or Baze or Chirrut? No. They did it because they trusted you and they believed in you and they loved you. K2 loved you, and not because you programmed loyalty into him, that's garbage.
Poe loves you. Rey and Finn and Jim love you. Force, Taako probably loves you, but he'd pretend he doesn't know what it is because he's a twat like that. Chyler Silva has an enormous crush on you. Or she had before I ruined it. The cat loves you more than anyone.
You are kind when you don't have to be, when the galaxy doesn't deserve it from you. You are a good man and having done bad things doesn't make you less good. You gave me hope after I decided it was pointless, you brought me home. You are the best good thing that has ever happened to me. [ she frees her hands and cradles his face in her hands, maybe briefly smooshing his face because she can't handle emotions and that seems like a reasonable, brief moment of levity. ] Of course I love you, you dummy.
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's not really the right word, is it?
[ she hums a considering noise, feeling warm and content, but she can't think of how she should describe it so she doesn't. when they had first kissed she had been a skittish bantha, running away to finn because she couldn't deal with her own emotions. they had settled since then, she had settled, and while most of the time she still feels like a disaster, she feels a little bit more whole with cassian, like he is helping her find all her broken pieces so she can put herself back together.
this was another broken piece and she feels more whole again. ]
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It does not feel like... enough.
[he doesn't know what is enough. he doesn't know how to describe any of this.]
[his smile falters as his throat seemingly closes up.] I -
[he can't breathe. he tries to draw in a breath, but it's more like a gulp for air.] It's -
[nice. sex with jyn was nice. and a million other things he doesn't know how to even begin sorting.]
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jyn scrambles to sit up, the movement leaving her feeling almost bereft for not being surrounded by cassian anymore. she doesn't dwell on it, pushing cassian to sit up as well.
he can't breathe. is he choking? does he have some kind of respiratory illness she doesn't know about because she's a horrible friend that doesn't ask him questions about himself? was it actually not nice sex at all and he took a second second lullaby and now she's going to watch him drown on dry land? every terrible and impossible scenario spins through jyn's mind. ]
Cassian, what's wrong? [ he can't breathe, jyn, how is he supposed to answer? she realizes this. ] Do you need water? Air? I can call Jim and have him bring Victor over?
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[how romantic.]
No. [no doctors, no water. he just needs to get this over with.]
[he drags his hand up from his mouth and over his cheeks, pressing his fingers over his eyes while he tries to get his breathing under control.] I just - need a minute.
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jyn cannot. something like twelve seconds pass and jyn shuffles forward on her knees, stopping just in front of him and reaching out to pry his hands from his face. they're a team, for the love of force, whatever is going on they are going to deal with it together. ]
Hey. Look at me. Listen to my breathing. [ her breaths are steady, slow but not deep enough for him to choke on again, loud enough for him to hear without much effort even though she is normally incredibly quiet. ]
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[cassian stares at her face, and he tries very hard to listen to her breathing, but it doesn't quite settle him. he doesn't know if it helps or not.]
[he tries to match her pace and heaves for a moment instead, because she's so close. he wants her to be close all the time, but he doesn't know if that's okay. he doesn't know if that's normal.]
[he feels dizzy, and he squeezes her hands, like maybe it can help ground him.] I'm sorry. I don't -
[his breath shorts out again on him.]
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I'm right here. Tell me what's wrong, we'll figure it out.
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[but it's not like they've talked about them much beyond that night he first kissed her. and now he is sitting naked with her on their couch and scrambling to figure out how he's supposed to deal with intimacy and being a real person with a -]
[with a what? jyn to him feels indescribable, but he doesn't know what to do next if he doesn't know. that's the crux of it, it all feels so much bigger than should be allowed. it isn't just sex, but that's more or less all he's ever had. he doesn't know what to ask, what to think, he can't even focus on jyn like he usually does. who knew shoving down all your emotions and pretending everything was fine could possibly backfire???]
[he shudders and breathes in sharply again.] I don't know how to do this.
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Neither do I.
[ she thought they were doing pretty well though? they have a cat and she kisses him goodnight every night and he kisses her good morning every morning and it's good, it's great. she likes what they have. ]
We can talk about it. If you want.
[ jyn would rather die but maybe cassian needs it and her stupid inability to talk to another human being has hurt him in some way. ]
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[he still can't quite breathe properly, but he focuses on her face and her hands. the only person whose ever seen him like this before wasn't even a person, and k2 just sat with him to wait it out, but it was still a comfort.]
I don't know what I am feeling. It's - everything.[it's overwhelming him in ways he's not quite sure he's dealt with before. he ignored it and ignored it but sleeping with jyn was so much, good and emotional and it stirred up feelings he hasn't handled in a long, long time. it's like he's been split open and it's almost a physical sensation right now too.]
[he still hesitates to say more, though part of it is just because he doesn't know where to begin. he closes his eyes again.]
It will stop soon. It always does.
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Always?
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When I cannot contain it.
[it feels harder now maybe because he doesn't... have to with jyn. he doesn't have to hide away pieces of himself with her, even the pieces he is terrified of, even the ones he's worried she might not want to see or talk about. he is allowed to have emotions here but it doesn't mean he knows what to do with them, and apparently sex was the tipping point.]
Sometimes - it's too much. [he shakes his head suddenly, even if it makes him dizzy again.] Not you, it is not you. You are not too much. I am.
[he exhales.] K2 used to sit with me. Until it was over.
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[ it is her, she's not blind. they had sex and cassian's freaking out so. it's nice of him to reassure her but she kind of hates that he feels like he has to when he is the one freaking out. ]
You are not too much, Cassian. You are... enough.
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[he squeezes his eyes. you are enough. he doesn't know how to be enough, he doesn't know what enough is.]
Did you know people would call me Andor the Android? [he was a spy. of course he heard some of the things people would whisper about him.] I always thought they were kind of right sometimes.
I know how to shut it all down. But right now I can't. Like a glitch.
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she frees one hand so she can lift it to curve against his jaw. ]
You don't have to shut it down anymore, Cassian. You have me. Yo have Jim and Poe and support.
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I don't want to. But I don't - I don't know what to say. I don't know when to say it. [he doesn't know how to go to another person. sometimes he wants to talk to jyn but she hates talking, and he sort of flounders from there. his eyes kind of water just from the sheer abundance of Feelings he is suffering.]
Sex has never been this much before. You make me feel... happy. Good. It's never been - [this intimate? this is what he means, when he's not sure what to say or how to say it or what might scare her off. she makes him so happy he is going to burst from it, and he doesn't know how to tell her that.]
But - I don't know what you want. People always want something, but you - don't. Not like that. [it isn't that he thinks she's lying about anything. she just doesn't tell him anything, not with words. he isn't equipt to read between the emotional lines.]
It's too good. I don't - I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how to be enough.
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I want you. I want this, what we have. I want you to stay with me and be my friend and my partner. I don't... [ she trails off helplessly, unsure of how to explain what she wants. ] I don't need anything else. What we have is enough, more than enough.
[ the life they've made. ]
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[the one thing he does know is that he is in love with jyn, but it doesn't occur to him that it would be mutual.]
I want all that too. [he sounds so relieved to hear it from her, his shoulders sinking a little with it. it chips away at his anxiety and it's only a string of sentences and words but it's her words. he clings to them like he clings to her hand still at his face.] I want you and us more than anything I have wanted in a long time.
I am scared of how much I want it. [maybe he's not suited for it, especially if he's going to freak the fuck out on her after sleeping with her.] I just... feel so much right now.
[and she hates feelings and he's bad at them, how does it work!!!]
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she knows cassian isn't going to take advantage of her vulnerabilities if she were to speak up, but it feels like she's so terrible at it, like she'd never be able to fully verbalize what she feels. she still hasn't even allowed herself to grieve all the loses in her live, how is she supposed to admit to all the wonderful things she feels when she's with him?
she licks her lips nervously. ]
I'm not used to having someone else, I know I'm shit at talking about what I'm feeling, but I--
[ a little sigh, she trails off, looking down at their still clasped hands. it took less courage to storm scarif, she doesn't know if she is brave enough for any of this. ]
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Do you think I am any better? [come on jyn. come on. he just had a breakdown immediately post coitus and honestly he is still kind of in the middle of it. self deprecation is go.]
[he follows her gaze down to their hands, still trying to fully even out his breathing.] I have boxed away any feelings for so long that I don't know what they are half the time.
I don't want to... ignore them with you. You bring them all out of me.
[he is glad to admit it, even if he still sounds nervous saying so.]
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[ she is a good gardener when it is soil and water and bright green leaves her dirty hands are coaxing to life, but when it comes to herself... she'd thought, honestly, that she had lost the ability to feel, that she had tucked emotion so far back in her mind that she forgot it was there until everything that happened after she'd been broken out of prison had blown up the door in her mind and everything exploded.
she's been careful to keep her grieve contained, tucked away again, but it's been harder to control all of her other emotions, harder to make them easier to deal with. ]
I don't want to ignore them either but it's-- I don't-- Force, I love you, Andor.
[ her head snaps up, expression as startled as a paralope in headlights. did she just say that. ]
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[i love you andor.]
[he sort of just stares at her like he can't comprehend the words. people don't love him. they haven't for years. he hasn't heard anyone say it since he was six years old. cassian andor is unlovable, it's what he always believed.]
[despite everything - literally everything about how they are, how they speak to each other, how much he would do for her and vise versa, how much he loves her too - cassian is still completely surprised by the admission.]
[he squeezes her hands, lest she think he was having a negative reaction.]
You... do?
[his voice is quiet, surprised, and maybe a little bit hopeful; he's still processing this information, but it's still so baffling to him that he needs to confirm it.]
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Yeah, I do. More than anything.
[ she was hoping that he would have said something first so she could just jump on the bandwagon after him and she had no intention of saying it now -- what if he panics more!! -- but it slipped out and now it's out and she can't put it back.
her lips purse slightly, that defiant look sliding across her expression again like she is afraid it will be used against her and she can preemptively bristle up in defense, her own chest feeling tight with nerves. ]
I'd thought you'd know.
[ without her having to tell him, that he would just know. ]
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[more than anything. it does not seem possible to him, that he could be loved like that. he never sought love and he never thought he deserved it.]
I don't know what it looks like. I didn't - [he and jyn were clearly not so normal, but cassian has never lived normally anyway. it took him ages to realize he was in love with her, partially because he didn't know what it was. he didn't know what it was like.]
[he squeezes her hands.]
People do not love me. How would I have known?
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You single-handedly convinced all of those men to come with us to Scarif. Do you think they would have done that for me? Or Bodhi? Or Baze or Chirrut? No. They did it because they trusted you and they believed in you and they loved you. K2 loved you, and not because you programmed loyalty into him, that's garbage.
Poe loves you. Rey and Finn and Jim love you. Force, Taako probably loves you, but he'd pretend he doesn't know what it is because he's a twat like that. Chyler Silva has an enormous crush on you. Or she had before I ruined it. The cat loves you more than anyone.
You are kind when you don't have to be, when the galaxy doesn't deserve it from you. You are a good man and having done bad things doesn't make you less good. You gave me hope after I decided it was pointless, you brought me home. You are the best good thing that has ever happened to me. [ she frees her hands and cradles his face in her hands, maybe briefly smooshing his face because she can't handle emotions and that seems like a reasonable, brief moment of levity. ] Of course I love you, you dummy.
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