[he shudders and his breath catches when she touches him, trying very hard not to press into her hand. it's the completely bright and innocent smile, how dare she. he distracts himself by shoving his underwear the rest of the way down and off, not quite sure where it ends up but he doesn't seem to care.]
I asked. You didn't have to do it.
[well ok, if she can touch him on purpose, he can do the same. he dips his hand down briefly between her legs, sliding his fingers through coarse hair and making sure she is Ready To Go.]
[and also maybe just to see what she does, the fucking will commence soon he swears.]
[ she is 100% Ready To Go, warm and wet and wanting, and she jerks under his touch with a sharp gasp. the flush on her chest grows deeper, blush spreading to her cheeks as her eyes squeeze shut. ]
Do that again.
[ the fucking can take a pause if he keeps that up. ]
[he is 100% here for that sound and the way more of her skin turns red. her request - more of a demand, really - is one he can easily give in to, which he does with a very small innocent smile. found it, something else she likes.]
[his fingers slip between her folds, sliding and teasing, but it isn't meant to last or push her too far, and he doesn't try to dip inside of her. he finds himself sighing from it as though he's the one being touched, but he really was not lying when he'd told her listening and watching her really does do it for him.]
[ she knows cassian's fingers are deft and nimble but somehow never seemed to imagine it in relation to herself, at least not like this. he sighs and jyn swears, her hand curling around his bicep, nails pressing into his skin. not clawing, not digging, but it's close.
[yeah ok he is super into this. it's a hard press of her nails into his arm, and part of him wants to see how much tighter she can grab on.]
I think that is ultimately the goal. [he cannot resist! just like he can't resist keeping his hand in place. it's what he would do for anyone, but it feels especially good and nice with jyn, and if he wasn't so determined to just fuck her like he said, he would get her off like this.]
[but he can work his fingers against her for a little bit longer.]
[ it's frustrating that they've barely started and she feels like she is fraying at the seams already. she can't give in so easily! she refuses! they can take their time next time, they can explore and challenge and probably bicker next time. this time she has no patience. ]
[he swallows back any urge to ask her again if she's sure, if she's ready, if how they are is okay, any manner of questioning, though it doesn't feel like asking for her sake this time. it's something in him, which is ridiculous. he knows he wants her. she's made herself clear, that's what matters.]
[he sinks into her with a shudder and a sigh, keeping still with how overwhelming it is until she urges him on with impatience. he fucks her on the sofa, just like she asked, and even though he gets very caught up in it too, he does his best to make sure she's enjoying it, to make sure he doesn't hurt her. he doesn't make a lot of noise, just tiny sighs and whispers of her name. everything is to make sure she finishes before him, he's very determined on that.]
[ she comes with a scream, head thrown back on the couch and her nails digging into cassian's back, having left scratches all down his back and crescent moons across his arms and faint marks of her teeth on his shoulder and neck. she doesn't mean to leave marks, there is nothing possessive about it, she isn't trying to mark her territory, she simply wants to hold him as close as possible.
slumping against the couch, satiated and spent and sweaty, legs shaking around him, jyn breathes out a laugh. one hand falls to rest across her stomach and a stupidly pleased smile softens her expression, eyes closed as she tries to control her breathing. ]
[the way she clings and holds on to him is A Lot. he very much likes it, but it's not something he's felt quite like that before. jyn wants him close, because it's him. he sends her over the edge with a scream, and it doesn't take him too much longer to follow. he buries his face in her neck and groans into her skin.]
[cassian looks at her after, sweaty and smiling and he did that. she looks so happy and almost soft and there's still a sense of togetherness in the air. it's heavy and strange but still warm, her legs tangled around him and it's almost like they're just... going to settle in now. bask in the afterglow. he smiles at her and laughs.]
And not terrible, if my back has anything to say about it.
[he kisses her gently on the lips, waiting for his breathing to even out.]
I'm not sorry, [ jyn retorts, humor laced through her words and dripping from her tone. ]
Definitely not terrible. [ the agreement is slightly belated if only because she had to defend her scratches first, that seemed more important in the moment. ] It was...
[ what is the word? it's practically foreign to her. ] Nice.
I don't mind. [he doesn't, in theory. he's going to catch glimpses of all the marks the next day or so and just remember how much she wanted him.]
[the rise and fall of her chest slows, but his own feels like it's tightening and constricting his lungs. he can put it in a box, he's always good at shoving away physical discomforts.]
[but then there is jyn still beneath him, warm and comfortable and everything about this is just... intimate, in ways he isn't used to. he feels very open right now, and he can't seem to seal up that box.]
Nice. [he's smiling despite the simplicity of the word, despite the way it's starting to feel like the air is getting sucked right out of him. nice. is he allowed to have nice?] Yeah. It was very nice.
[ eyes fluttering open, her fingers lift to touch at the faint imprint of her teeth against his collar bone. it wasn't intentional possessive at the time but now... now that she has the ability to linger, she rather likes it. indelible proof that she was there. ]
's not really the right word, is it?
[ she hums a considering noise, feeling warm and content, but she can't think of how she should describe it so she doesn't. when they had first kissed she had been a skittish bantha, running away to finn because she couldn't deal with her own emotions. they had settled since then, she had settled, and while most of the time she still feels like a disaster, she feels a little bit more whole with cassian, like he is helping her find all her broken pieces so she can put herself back together.
this was another broken piece and she feels more whole again. ]
[she touches him and the contact startles him. she's so content, she's laying with him, she doesn't want to leave, so why does cassian suddenly feel like he needs to? he's happy. he is definitely happy. but maybe he doesn't know how to actually be happy.]
It does not feel like... enough.
[he doesn't know what is enough. he doesn't know how to describe any of this.]
[his smile falters as his throat seemingly closes up.] I -
[he can't breathe. he tries to draw in a breath, but it's more like a gulp for air.] It's -
[nice. sex with jyn was nice. and a million other things he doesn't know how to even begin sorting.]
jyn scrambles to sit up, the movement leaving her feeling almost bereft for not being surrounded by cassian anymore. she doesn't dwell on it, pushing cassian to sit up as well.
he can't breathe. is he choking? does he have some kind of respiratory illness she doesn't know about because she's a horrible friend that doesn't ask him questions about himself? was it actually not nice sex at all and he took a second second lullaby and now she's going to watch him drown on dry land? every terrible and impossible scenario spins through jyn's mind. ]
Cassian, what's wrong? [ he can't breathe, jyn, how is he supposed to answer? she realizes this. ] Do you need water? Air? I can call Jim and have him bring Victor over?
[he falls back and leans against the couch when she pushes him. he covers his mouth which seems very counterproductive, but it's like he doesn't want her to see this. he knows what's happening now. he's having a panic attack.]
[how romantic.]
No. [no doctors, no water. he just needs to get this over with.]
[he drags his hand up from his mouth and over his cheeks, pressing his fingers over his eyes while he tries to get his breathing under control.] I just - need a minute.
[ he needs a minute. okay, jyn can do that, jyn can give him a minute.
jyn cannot. something like twelve seconds pass and jyn shuffles forward on her knees, stopping just in front of him and reaching out to pry his hands from his face. they're a team, for the love of force, whatever is going on they are going to deal with it together. ]
Hey. Look at me. Listen to my breathing. [ her breaths are steady, slow but not deep enough for him to choke on again, loud enough for him to hear without much effort even though she is normally incredibly quiet. ]
[it is not a minute, but he doesn't really know how long it is. he almost snaps his hands back away from her, because he should have some semblance of dignity left. then again, he's already ripped raw in front of her, what difference does this make?]
[cassian stares at her face, and he tries very hard to listen to her breathing, but it doesn't quite settle him. he doesn't know if it helps or not.]
[he tries to match her pace and heaves for a moment instead, because she's so close. he wants her to be close all the time, but he doesn't know if that's okay. he doesn't know if that's normal.]
[he feels dizzy, and he squeezes her hands, like maybe it can help ground him.] I'm sorry. I don't -
[he squeezes his eyes shut and listens to her breathing. she's right there. she's always right there. he wants to be honest with her, and he's done a pretty good job of it so far.]
[but it's not like they've talked about them much beyond that night he first kissed her. and now he is sitting naked with her on their couch and scrambling to figure out how he's supposed to deal with intimacy and being a real person with a -]
[with a what? jyn to him feels indescribable, but he doesn't know what to do next if he doesn't know. that's the crux of it, it all feels so much bigger than should be allowed. it isn't just sex, but that's more or less all he's ever had. he doesn't know what to ask, what to think, he can't even focus on jyn like he usually does. who knew shoving down all your emotions and pretending everything was fine could possibly backfire???]
[he shudders and breathes in sharply again.] I don't know how to do this.
[ jyn almost asks what this is, but she realizes just in time. ]
Neither do I.
[ she thought they were doing pretty well though? they have a cat and she kisses him goodnight every night and he kisses her good morning every morning and it's good, it's great. she likes what they have. ]
We can talk about it. If you want.
[ jyn would rather die but maybe cassian needs it and her stupid inability to talk to another human being has hurt him in some way. ]
[he looks up at her with some mild uncertainty, because she never wants to talk about things. not that he likes to get into deep emotional discussions either, but clearly winging it hasn't been settling well deep down.]
[he still can't quite breathe properly, but he focuses on her face and her hands. the only person whose ever seen him like this before wasn't even a person, and k2 just sat with him to wait it out, but it was still a comfort.]
I don't know what I am feeling. It's - everything.[it's overwhelming him in ways he's not quite sure he's dealt with before. he ignored it and ignored it but sleeping with jyn was so much, good and emotional and it stirred up feelings he hasn't handled in a long, long time. it's like he's been split open and it's almost a physical sensation right now too.]
[he still hesitates to say more, though part of it is just because he doesn't know where to begin. he closes his eyes again.]
[ if it's everything, that means it's her, too. resisting the urge to run away again, jyn squeezes his hands in reassurance, but concern clouds her expression. ]
[he doesn't answer her right away, holding her hands and trying to count out the spaces between breaths.]
When I cannot contain it.
[it feels harder now maybe because he doesn't... have to with jyn. he doesn't have to hide away pieces of himself with her, even the pieces he is terrified of, even the ones he's worried she might not want to see or talk about. he is allowed to have emotions here but it doesn't mean he knows what to do with them, and apparently sex was the tipping point.]
Sometimes - it's too much. [he shakes his head suddenly, even if it makes him dizzy again.] Not you, it is not you. You are not too much. I am.
[he exhales.] K2 used to sit with me. Until it was over.
[ it is her, she's not blind. they had sex and cassian's freaking out so. it's nice of him to reassure her but she kind of hates that he feels like he has to when he is the one freaking out. ]
You don't have to be. I don't want you to be anyone but you. [k2 was his best friend for years, but he was a droid. cassian would never say his lumbering robot was unemotional, but he doesn't bring the warm comfort jyn does. his grip tightens on her hands again and pulls them towards him.]
[he squeezes his eyes. you are enough. he doesn't know how to be enough, he doesn't know what enough is.]
Did you know people would call me Andor the Android? [he was a spy. of course he heard some of the things people would whisper about him.] I always thought they were kind of right sometimes.
I know how to shut it all down. But right now I can't. Like a glitch.
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I asked. You didn't have to do it.
[well ok, if she can touch him on purpose, he can do the same. he dips his hand down briefly between her legs, sliding his fingers through coarse hair and making sure she is Ready To Go.]
[and also maybe just to see what she does, the fucking will commence soon he swears.]
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Do that again.
[ the fucking can take a pause if he keeps that up. ]
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[his fingers slip between her folds, sliding and teasing, but it isn't meant to last or push her too far, and he doesn't try to dip inside of her. he finds himself sighing from it as though he's the one being touched, but he really was not lying when he'd told her listening and watching her really does do it for him.]
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she swears again. ]
Fuck. Cassian.
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I think that is ultimately the goal. [he cannot resist! just like he can't resist keeping his hand in place. it's what he would do for anyone, but it feels especially good and nice with jyn, and if he wasn't so determined to just fuck her like he said, he would get her off like this.]
[but he can work his fingers against her for a little bit longer.]
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Now.
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[he swallows back any urge to ask her again if she's sure, if she's ready, if how they are is okay, any manner of questioning, though it doesn't feel like asking for her sake this time. it's something in him, which is ridiculous. he knows he wants her. she's made herself clear, that's what matters.]
[he sinks into her with a shudder and a sigh, keeping still with how overwhelming it is until she urges him on with impatience. he fucks her on the sofa, just like she asked, and even though he gets very caught up in it too, he does his best to make sure she's enjoying it, to make sure he doesn't hurt her. he doesn't make a lot of noise, just tiny sighs and whispers of her name. everything is to make sure she finishes before him, he's very determined on that.]
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slumping against the couch, satiated and spent and sweaty, legs shaking around him, jyn breathes out a laugh. one hand falls to rest across her stomach and a stupidly pleased smile softens her expression, eyes closed as she tries to control her breathing. ]
Lasted way more then three minutes.
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[cassian looks at her after, sweaty and smiling and he did that. she looks so happy and almost soft and there's still a sense of togetherness in the air. it's heavy and strange but still warm, her legs tangled around him and it's almost like they're just... going to settle in now. bask in the afterglow. he smiles at her and laughs.]
And not terrible, if my back has anything to say about it.
[he kisses her gently on the lips, waiting for his breathing to even out.]
[but it doesn't. that's odd.]
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Definitely not terrible. [ the agreement is slightly belated if only because she had to defend her scratches first, that seemed more important in the moment. ] It was...
[ what is the word? it's practically foreign to her. ] Nice.
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[the rise and fall of her chest slows, but his own feels like it's tightening and constricting his lungs. he can put it in a box, he's always good at shoving away physical discomforts.]
[but then there is jyn still beneath him, warm and comfortable and everything about this is just... intimate, in ways he isn't used to. he feels very open right now, and he can't seem to seal up that box.]
Nice. [he's smiling despite the simplicity of the word, despite the way it's starting to feel like the air is getting sucked right out of him. nice. is he allowed to have nice?] Yeah. It was very nice.
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's not really the right word, is it?
[ she hums a considering noise, feeling warm and content, but she can't think of how she should describe it so she doesn't. when they had first kissed she had been a skittish bantha, running away to finn because she couldn't deal with her own emotions. they had settled since then, she had settled, and while most of the time she still feels like a disaster, she feels a little bit more whole with cassian, like he is helping her find all her broken pieces so she can put herself back together.
this was another broken piece and she feels more whole again. ]
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It does not feel like... enough.
[he doesn't know what is enough. he doesn't know how to describe any of this.]
[his smile falters as his throat seemingly closes up.] I -
[he can't breathe. he tries to draw in a breath, but it's more like a gulp for air.] It's -
[nice. sex with jyn was nice. and a million other things he doesn't know how to even begin sorting.]
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jyn scrambles to sit up, the movement leaving her feeling almost bereft for not being surrounded by cassian anymore. she doesn't dwell on it, pushing cassian to sit up as well.
he can't breathe. is he choking? does he have some kind of respiratory illness she doesn't know about because she's a horrible friend that doesn't ask him questions about himself? was it actually not nice sex at all and he took a second second lullaby and now she's going to watch him drown on dry land? every terrible and impossible scenario spins through jyn's mind. ]
Cassian, what's wrong? [ he can't breathe, jyn, how is he supposed to answer? she realizes this. ] Do you need water? Air? I can call Jim and have him bring Victor over?
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[how romantic.]
No. [no doctors, no water. he just needs to get this over with.]
[he drags his hand up from his mouth and over his cheeks, pressing his fingers over his eyes while he tries to get his breathing under control.] I just - need a minute.
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jyn cannot. something like twelve seconds pass and jyn shuffles forward on her knees, stopping just in front of him and reaching out to pry his hands from his face. they're a team, for the love of force, whatever is going on they are going to deal with it together. ]
Hey. Look at me. Listen to my breathing. [ her breaths are steady, slow but not deep enough for him to choke on again, loud enough for him to hear without much effort even though she is normally incredibly quiet. ]
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[cassian stares at her face, and he tries very hard to listen to her breathing, but it doesn't quite settle him. he doesn't know if it helps or not.]
[he tries to match her pace and heaves for a moment instead, because she's so close. he wants her to be close all the time, but he doesn't know if that's okay. he doesn't know if that's normal.]
[he feels dizzy, and he squeezes her hands, like maybe it can help ground him.] I'm sorry. I don't -
[his breath shorts out again on him.]
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I'm right here. Tell me what's wrong, we'll figure it out.
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[but it's not like they've talked about them much beyond that night he first kissed her. and now he is sitting naked with her on their couch and scrambling to figure out how he's supposed to deal with intimacy and being a real person with a -]
[with a what? jyn to him feels indescribable, but he doesn't know what to do next if he doesn't know. that's the crux of it, it all feels so much bigger than should be allowed. it isn't just sex, but that's more or less all he's ever had. he doesn't know what to ask, what to think, he can't even focus on jyn like he usually does. who knew shoving down all your emotions and pretending everything was fine could possibly backfire???]
[he shudders and breathes in sharply again.] I don't know how to do this.
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Neither do I.
[ she thought they were doing pretty well though? they have a cat and she kisses him goodnight every night and he kisses her good morning every morning and it's good, it's great. she likes what they have. ]
We can talk about it. If you want.
[ jyn would rather die but maybe cassian needs it and her stupid inability to talk to another human being has hurt him in some way. ]
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[he still can't quite breathe properly, but he focuses on her face and her hands. the only person whose ever seen him like this before wasn't even a person, and k2 just sat with him to wait it out, but it was still a comfort.]
I don't know what I am feeling. It's - everything.[it's overwhelming him in ways he's not quite sure he's dealt with before. he ignored it and ignored it but sleeping with jyn was so much, good and emotional and it stirred up feelings he hasn't handled in a long, long time. it's like he's been split open and it's almost a physical sensation right now too.]
[he still hesitates to say more, though part of it is just because he doesn't know where to begin. he closes his eyes again.]
It will stop soon. It always does.
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Always?
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When I cannot contain it.
[it feels harder now maybe because he doesn't... have to with jyn. he doesn't have to hide away pieces of himself with her, even the pieces he is terrified of, even the ones he's worried she might not want to see or talk about. he is allowed to have emotions here but it doesn't mean he knows what to do with them, and apparently sex was the tipping point.]
Sometimes - it's too much. [he shakes his head suddenly, even if it makes him dizzy again.] Not you, it is not you. You are not too much. I am.
[he exhales.] K2 used to sit with me. Until it was over.
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[ it is her, she's not blind. they had sex and cassian's freaking out so. it's nice of him to reassure her but she kind of hates that he feels like he has to when he is the one freaking out. ]
You are not too much, Cassian. You are... enough.
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[he squeezes his eyes. you are enough. he doesn't know how to be enough, he doesn't know what enough is.]
Did you know people would call me Andor the Android? [he was a spy. of course he heard some of the things people would whisper about him.] I always thought they were kind of right sometimes.
I know how to shut it all down. But right now I can't. Like a glitch.
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